| Disc 1 | ||||||
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| 1. |
| 4:19 | 
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Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Jon Rosenburg
Schnine He's a pretty good guy He's nice to his neighbors You can count on him to buy your school candy bars He's a real nic guy He's always got the jumper cables He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation He's a good-hearted man Volunteers at the library He'll help you find a book on whales He's a thoughtfull man Rememers your birthday Says God bless you when you sneeze But there's a problem It's not your average problem But it's a pretty big problem His hobby is moyda His hobby is moyda He'll eat a hamboyga Then commit moyda He's a friendly guy He waves to all the joggers Children use his backyard as a short-cut He's a real sweet guy He always recycles Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay He's a great, great man He'll sign your petition Then proceed to compliment your new haircut But there's a problem It's not your average problem But it's a pretty big problem His hobby is moyda His hobby is moyda South of the boyda He's wanted for moyda Here he comes Hey Larry, how ya doing? How's the garden coming? You know, it's interesting I just read at the library That you need to rotate the soil To get real plump, read tomatoes Oh, and one more thing My hobby is moyda Two, three, four I'm a sick man My hobby is moyda My hobby is moyda I'll eat a hamboyga Then commit moyda [Chanting] I never loiter After committing the doity deed of moyda Only Sigmund Freuda Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder |
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| 2. |
| 5:56 |
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Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service One might think it comes with glory You might think different after you listen to my story My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask What it possibly could protect, I do not know The other guys on the team Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads And also like to hide the special shoe I need to kick in the snow People think it's so easy To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line They forget to add seven yards for the snap And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line But some of the players were running into them And getting hurt So screw the kicker Who cares about the kicker? But I kick that ball And I pray it goes straight If it does The coach says "Good job, number 8" He doesn't even know my name is Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr. But that's the life I live The Lonesome Kicker Kickoffs can be so very scary Especially, if the returner breaks on through And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him I don't want to get hurt So I pretend to tie my shoe Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches "Go back where you came from!" Scream 70,000 fans Well, I know I could win their love back By catching a winning touch-down But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close 'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood And the splinters go deep in my thighs And the towel boy snickers as he walks by The Lonesome Kicker Another blocked kick And everybody blames me But it was the Left Guard Who didn't pick up his man Oh, why can't they see... In my home country I could have been a minor league soccer player But I came to America Seeking fortune and seeking fame I didn't realize that if I shanked one and blew the point spread Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi After the game So I go home at night 'Cause I never get invited To go drinking with the other guys And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot As I eat a plate of cold french fries And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend And my son can't look me in the eyes But that's the life I live The Lonesome Kicker Kicking for you They took my snow shoe They're going for two Oooh, ooh ooh |
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| 3. |
| 3:54 |
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Why don't you pick up after your done?
I'm not your slave I'm not your mother I'm not your maid I mean I've got a life too So fuck you! Why can't you be nicer to my friend? They're gonna be here soon Last time they were here You just sat in the bedroom Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou Fuck you! Why don't you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class? I only took it 'cause you like moo shu Fuck you! I'm sorry honey, about the way I've been acting lately Fuck you! Don't be like that, we'll visit your mom when I get some time off Fuck you! I had the beer at work, for God's sake Fuck you! By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow? Fuck you! I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you Why don't you ever take me to a play? Or a museum? There's an art gallery two blocks away And we've never been there We always do what you wanna do Fuck you! You didn't notice I got new throw pillows for the sofa You didn't notice I had the kitched painted blue Why don't you notice all those guys looking at me? You take me for granted Do you know there's a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch? I always try to look my best and you should too Fuck you! Why won't I ever get out of this relationship? You're such a jerk The only thing you do right is Tell me that you love me Well, I guess I love you too But fuck you! Seriously |
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| 4. |
| 6:05 |
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("what's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
it's okay, mama will take care of you") not really sick, but don't you know i still say i am dad just mumbles, 'there goes my girlie son actin' up again' ("how could you be my kid?") mom knows i'm fakin' it, but she understands what'll happen if i go the last four days the tough guys have been on a roll (they show him no mercy) plenty of name calling and pushing my head in the toilet bowl (they call him a loser) but they won't get their hands on me today cause home with mama is where i'm gonna stay we're pickin' daisies ("who cares about them anyway?") pickin' daisies ("they'll all be working for you someday") pickin' daisies ("they're just jealous of you") pickin' daisies ("next year you'll go to private school") can't play sports or games, i'm only really good at reading (he can't catch a football) apparently that's not too cool, that's why my nose is usually bleeding (plus they give him fat lips) at this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head but i'll be safe today, i know cause mama said we're pickin' daisies ("who really cares what they think?") pickin' daisies ("you should talk about it with your shrink") pickin' daisies ("they'll all end up in jail") pickin' daisies ("marshall's is having a sale") i know tomorrow it'll all start up again (he'll be greeted with a headlock) and all that i can do is sit and pray for the weekend but i know when i'm older, i'll look back and laugh at all those kids who pulled my pants down and took that photograph cause we'll be through with kickball we'll all be weak and old but i will be the only one with a magic place to go pickin' daisies ("you're better off in the end") pickin' daisies ("who cares? i'll be your friend") pickin' daisies ("you can always count on me") pickin' daisies ("i made you some iced tea") pickin' daisies.... ("you are, too, very handsome, just not in a traditional way".... "when i was a kid we didn't have videogames, just pinball. but i could learn".. "well they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs".... "you can come to aerobics class with me and watch, all the ladies love you!"... "who needs name brand shirts? yours is the same thing without a fancy tag"... "why don't you go to sleep? and when you wake up, then i'll play you the eddie fisher record"...) |
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| 5. |
| 4:04 |
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When I was a boy
There was no limit on what I could eat Shake after shake after shake after shake Followed by all kinds of red meat Metabolism runnin' around so fast My body never gained no weight That pissed off all my Momma's friends And made my big-boned sister irate But now I'm a man And all that food frolicking has caused my ego to hurt 'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone I'm too embarrassed to remove my shirt What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me And all them cookies I been munching lately My feets are becoming difficult to see I believe it was my Daddy Who led to this eating disease By calling me "The Little Candy-ass" When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese Or maybe it was my Momma Who got me addicted to the wrong foods Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet Would I get to see Momma's good moods They said eat this, they said eat that To stay skinny there was no chance And now when I walk I hear corduroy Even though I ain't wearing pants What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me (You fat f**k, you fat f**k) What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me (You fat f**k, you fat f**k) And all that ice cream I been eatin' lately My chins alone weigh 203 The diet starts tomorrow! I have a grapefruit for breakfast For lunch a bowl of white rice Dinnertime it's a saltless potato I ain't allowed no spice If this diet's gonna work Tonight I can't eat no more "Just go to sleep," I say to myself As I close the bedroom door Two in the morning, I wake up to piss My belly's hungry and achin' Tiptoe to the kitchen, f**k the diet Bring on the chips flavored with bacon What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay Make a tub o' shit outta me And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately I shoulda bought stock in Sara Lee |
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| 6. |
| 4:39 |
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where is my Peggy Sue
i could use a Rosaletta if there is a long tall Sally out there i'm dying to meet her why can't i hear Beth calling me why can't i be the one to make Sara smile i wish i was arm in arm with Jeannie, Jeannie walking down the aisle oh yeah, all right but i got no Mary Jane there's no sloopy or dancing queen i'm just a fool in the rain waiting on my Billie Jean Chorus I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-o a devil in a dress of blue a Roseanna, Diana, Sweet Caroline i'd even take a Runaround Sue oh yeah, all right well, i never got to scream for a Layla, i never saw Mary Ann, walking away. i never danced on the sand with a Rio woke up with a Maggie Mae. i dialed 8 6 7 5 3 0 9 but there was no Jenny, Jenny. why can't get myself a brown-eyed girl when Willie Nelson loved so many? and why does Jack have Diane? and Billy Joe have Bobby Sue? and everybody had Roxanne except you know whooooooo Chorus Come on well, i'd take any ole Suzy Q i got no reason to be picky she could be a goody goody two shoes or she could be my Darlin' Nikki oh Brandy would be such a fine girl and so would the sweet Judy Blue i guess i sound just like that other fella cause you know i wish that i had Jesse's girl too oh yeah, all right but i'd die for a kiss from Allison even though i know she'd break my heart or give me a lo lo Lola minus the extra part Chorus x 2 you know i'd even take a Runaround Sue well i'd even take a Runaround Sue oh yeah, all right |
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| 7. |
| 6:55 |
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Hangin' with my sweet amour
She came out with a lion's roar Yellin' "I'm goin' to the corner store," Be back at quarter to four "Don't slam you pinkies in the drawer" She can be like a maiden from the days of yore Hangin' out at Studio 54 Break-dancin' on the slick, brick disco floor With Lionel Richie Who, by the way, was a Commodore One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle-tooth boar Who couldn't breathe right since the Vietnam War Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor And went camping with Eva Gabor She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice And, she's coming home I got a picture of her down by the seashore Wearing a bikini made of purple velour Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour With the smile of Guy LeFleur She got the ups and the downs like an elevator But deep inside she's a marshmallow s'more Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor Either/or, neither/nor She'll share it with your Labrador She can run faster than a blazing meteor Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore Can make a pipe out of an apple core That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish Down in Ecuador You know why? She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice And she's coming home Well, for sure, she opened the door Whipped out a three-foot fishing lure Sexually, that made me feel insecure Like the time I was a roadie On Elton John's tour She said "Let's go catch some Piscatore!" I said "Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more" She said "By G-d, you're right!" So we took ourselves a snore And when we woke up 10 hours later We made "Love Du Jour" She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice She's my sweet Beatrice And she came home She likes to clean out the attic every now and then She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel She gonna try on my third grade mittens She'll keep 'em on even though they're way to small Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me She ain't never gonna let me down She ain't never gonna tell nobody I'm afraid of birds and spiders Well, Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice And she loves Pat Summerall |
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| 8. |
| 3:56 |
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Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Jon Rosenburg, Frank Coraci, and Bob Glaub
When I was a young man I didn't like to dance I was shy I'd stand against the wall all night I'd never take a chance So afraid I wouldn't get on that dance floor Unless I was really drunk 10 shots But I found a place where the stars hang out And they taught me how to funk Real nasty It ain't too far away It's just on the edge of town Nearby But be ready when you get there 'Cause these folks don't fuck around You can Rub your belly with Liza Minelli Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS Lick your lips Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen It's fucking obscense Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight If you don't know how to move Just feel the groove And dance Like you just shit your pants Spin like a little girl With cross-dressing Milton Berle Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino Wave your weeno, even more obsceno Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink Piss in the sink Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif What a relief Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell Then spew all over the room With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum And dance Like you just shit your pants Mr. Belvedere Fatty Fatty Finger in his own rear Bernard King Basketball, basketball Showing off his ding-a-ling Swimming Mark Spitz Moustache, moustache Playing with his hairy tits Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver Both of them got the boogie fever Shit your pants You can Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore Pump it sore Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple Drink some Ripple Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down Come to the funkiest place in town The stars will show you how to move And dance Like you just shit your pants |
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| 9. |
| 2:29 |
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well I had myself a girlfriend
for almost two whole years we had ourselves no secrets we had no fears there was nothin we wouldn't do when we were in the sack she'd even pop a zit on my back one night I was out a-cheatin' after i'd had a few she caught me red handed and said "we're through" boo-hoo now she got a new boyfriend it nearly gave me a heart attack cause who's gonna pop this zit on my back? well I got a pimple and I don't know why it keeps growin' in the same place I can't reach it with my left or right hand I wish it was on my face it's four days old and it hurts so bad but it's ready for a squeeze won't somebody pop it for me please? i'll give you ten dollars if you're a girl in this lonely world and you're lookin' for a guy i'll never cheat again, I promise that's no lie there's only one thing I ask of you, could we name our first child zach? oh, one more thing, please pop this zit on my back (i'm dyin' here!) a pimple-ay-hee a pop-a-doodle-e-doo squirt-heedle-e-hoo well i'm sittin' alone by the phone and no one seems to call I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall well that don't work so I look around and find a big shiny thumb tack put it on the floor, layed down, popped the zit on my back. (yeah... rock steady man) |
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| 10. |
| 2:32 |
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Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Jon Rosenburg
Hey Why'd you wake me from my nap? I'm not in the mood To play your games Or sit on your lap You Where's my Yankees drinking glass? I want some juice And I want it now So you better move your ass And feel bad for me 'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold I'm four years old! I'm four years old! I'm four years old! Somebody better tie my shoes! Now I run down the hall I scream and I yell And I cry 'cuz I fell Bring the rubbing alcohol Outside I get mud on my shoe I come back in the house I get it on the rug The cleanging's up to you And I won't take a bath Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's I'm four years old! I'm four years old! I'm four years old! Mommy reads to me at night Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Well I can't have a job And I can't go to school If no grownups are around I can't go near the pool I'm not alowed to climb My neighbor's apple tree I'm not allowed to sit Too close to the TV I don't know how to drive And I don't know how to spell But if I hear my brother cursing I do know how to tell 'Cuz he made me eat some bread That was covered in mold I'm four years old! I'm four years old! I'm four years old! I just threw up on my grandmother |
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| 11. |
| 4:09 |
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Performed by Adam Sandler, Alan Covert, and Jon Rosenburg
A 1, A 2, A 1, 2 voodoo. ADAM: This song is intended as a warning, to all the bad people of the world. M1: You know who you are. Juan? ADAM: Yes? Hey there Mr. Leafblower Man, keep is down for goodness sake. It's way too early in the morning, can't you please use your wooden rake? You choose to ignore I even though me hungover, and that's no being nice. So tonight your head will be covered in lice. Voodoo spell on you. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. ADAM: You shouldn't have given I that dirty stare. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. M1: Too late for sorries, go cut off your hair. ADAM: Hey there old, old woman. M1: Old and fat. ADAM: Shopping for food at the store. Why'd you run your cart into I, and knock me eggs on the floor? Then took the last unbruised cantelope, and laughed so loud with glee. M1: That's not funny. But you won't be laughing 'cause from now on it'll burn when you pee. Voodoo spell on you. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. ADAM: You couldn't have made I any madder. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. M1: That's why he put a curse on your bladder. EVERYONE: Boodaloo-boodalay Boodalee-boodalie. Are the words that he say, ADAM: When you fuck with I! Voooodoo! Hey Mr. Big Shot in the Mercedes, You should have let me merge. Oh, oh, oh! Hey there Mr. State Trooper, me was only going 58. Please don't you write up that ticket, It'll ruin me insurance rate. You say you have a quota to meet, so straight to hell with I. Me have only one response, EVERYONE: Boodalee, boodalie! ADAM: Voodoo spell on you. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. ADAM: You cost I 80 dollars cash. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. M1: We hope you like your new skin rash. M2: Voodoo, voodoo. ADAM: Boodalee, a boodalapa! M1 & M2: Voodoo, voodoo.(repeat in background until end) ADAM: To the TV repair man who didn't show up-a. Anytime from 11 to 5 my ass. M1: His ass. M2: His voodoo ass. ADAM: Boodalie, boodalaper. To that chick who gave I a fake phone number. Come on sweetheart, don't tease I all night long and then pull that old trick. M1: He's no dummy. ADAM: Oh, and Mr. IRS Man, we made a doll that looks just like you. So lighten up with the audit crets or I'll burn it's fucking toes off, OK? Boodalie, boodalayhe |
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| 12. |
| 0:59 |
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Performed by Adam Sandler, Don Heffington, and V. Gervickas
Respect Respect You gotta show the fucking respect (Repeat Over And Over) |
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| 13. |
| 7:50 |
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I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope Am I happy he don't give a fuck "Hey goat im going to beat your head in with a hickory stick" Somtimes he uses his fists He's filled with anger, and filled with rage And tells me I smell like piss His drink, Jimmy Bean His chaser, a beer After that, various alcohols That's when the beatings get so severe Asleep I pray he falls But don't feel sorry for me Things weren't always this bad Why, when I was a young talking goat The Old Man was just like my dad I come from the hills of Europe That's where I met the Old Man He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions He gave me a tuna can Then he stopped in his tracks And he said, "Hey Goat! Would you like to live with me? I've got a house with a pick-up truck In a place across the sea" I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family You seem like a nice guy" So we went off to America The home of apple pie On the boat, the Old Man told me I would be a present for his wife "A talking goat!" he exclaimed, "She'd never seen this in her life" I felt so special! Well, I just couldn't believe it After all these years I finally had a friend He trimmed my beard He scraped my hooves I prayed it would never end But when we got to his house There was no wife Only a short, short letter It said: "I'm leaving you for your brother Because he fucks me better" His eyes filled with tears of sadness His heart was filled with grief To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad And beat me like a side of beef I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!" He just shook his head and said, "Nope! No one will ever leave me again To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope." Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years My only friend is the AM radio Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by But it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw At first they're excited to see a talking goat They gather around to hear what I have to say But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long So they leave and giggle I need a bidet But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck When the Old Man was passed out drunk Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert The kind of music, old-school funk It was the first time I got off the truck The music made me lose control The lead singer asked if we were having fun I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!" The women at the show were beautiful As they danced sexily on the soft grass One of them even petted my fur Fuck me in the goat-ass! Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns And threw me in the mosh pit They passed me around and treated me nice Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit Then the music stopped And everything was quite And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot Kill the goat! Kill the goat! Kill the goat! Kill the goat! They chased me under the bleachers They chased me onto the street They chased me into an alley And said I was a dead fucking goat meat But then I saw a sight That I never thought I'd see The Old Man swinging his hickory stick But he wasn't swinging at me "Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys! Don't you press your luck!" The long hairs ran away screaming As I scrambled onto the truck When we got home, the Old Man said, "Goat, you broke the sacred law No! Please! Sorry! Shit! I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again I'll break your fucking jaw!" Super! Great! Okay! "Thank you Old Man, for saving my life Thank you again and again You could have let them barbeque me, But you acted like a friend" "I'm not your friend, I don't even like you I'm just not drunk," he said To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol And beat the fucking shit out of my head. That night a suffered a concusion deep inside my goat brain I still cannot feel my tailbone And Ill probaby never walk straight again I guess you'd call me a scapegoat A punching bag for the Old Man to mock Just because his wife left him For his brother's abnormally large cock He could have been my buddy But instead he's a crazy old fuck And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home The back of the pick-up truck Goodnight, Old Man! Yeah, goodnight Goat! |
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| 14. |
| 5:57 |
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My mom bought you when I was just 13,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen. She got an extra large so I wouldn't grow out, "That's too big for you!" the other chlidren would shout. But we stuck together, we didn't quit, and now the children say, "What a perfect fit." I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded sweeeeatshirt dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt shama lama ding dong sweeeeatshirt. I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch, it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch. And I don't care if the weather's no good, I say "See you later rain" as I pull up my hood. Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap?, I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap. I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded sweeeeatshirt dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt shama lama ding dong sweeeeatshirt. Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly? Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly? I don't knoooooooww ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo. Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together like that time I played in that shirts and skins basketball game and I had to take you off and throw you in the corner of the gym. I was midway through the game and then I saw you looking at me. You were staring as if to say "Adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman. " I was so mad I challenged you to a game of one on one and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9, deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose. You let me win and that why Kevin- help me out I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded sweeeeatshirt dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt shama lama ding dong sweeeeatshirt. Come on audience members, help me out here. I love you sweeeeatshirt red hooded sweeeeatshirt dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt shama lama ling dong sweeeeatshirt. I love you sooooooooooo. Happy Valentine's Everybody! |
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