| Disc 1 | ||||||
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| 1. |
| 4:29 | 
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Ryan, tomorrow's the big day your mom's coming home with your new baby sister
"baby sister" That's right ryan, baby sister. Now, we have to go over a few safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister. "safety rules" Alright, rule number one: always wash your hands before touching the baby. "wash hands" Do you know why? "no" Well, because you have germs on your hands, and germs make the baby sick. "germs make baby sick" That's right ryan, germs make baby sick Okay, rule number two: Dont feed the baby anything. "why?" Well, because the baby has to eat special baby food, because other food is bad for the baby. "other food bad for the baby" That's right ryan. Now, rule number three: no hot water near the baby cause hot water will burn the baby. "i don't understand, daddy." Well, that's all I know so far, I'll update you on the rest later. |
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| 2. |
| 0:58 |
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-{Sean on the phone with a call-girl.}-
SEAN: What's your name, baby? GIRL #4: Desiree. SEAN: Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self. GIRL #4: What's your name? -{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}- SEAN: My name's sean, I want to get it on. GIRL #4: Ooh. SEAN: you know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama. GIRL #4: Oh sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want. SEAN: Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you,-- GIRL #4: Oh my. SEAN: --You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you? GIRL #4: That's sounds nice, sean. SEAN: You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears. GIRL #4: I'm already naked, how about you? SEAN: Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine. GIRL #4: You must look good you stud, are you hard? SEAN: Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go. GIRL #4: ..."Tally-whacker"? SEAN: No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat. GIRL #4: Oh my god. SEAN: What? GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- I just heard some fucking idiot call it a tally-whacker. -{Sean groans}- CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- your kidding? GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- And his sweet-meat. CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- that's so gross. -{she hangs up}- SEAN: No. She did not just fucking hang up on me for 4 dollars a fucking minute. -{hangs up}- what the fuck is happening -{weeping}- ... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. Fucking, this is so un-chill. |
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| 3. |
| 3:44 |
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I'm the seven foot man, I've commited no crime
Bumping my head into doorways, it happens all the time I'm seven feet tall and I repeat They don't make a ski boot that can fit my feet I'm seven feet tall and I don't play basketball I'm seven feet tall, but I'm still just a man So of course it hurts me a lot when I walk into the ceiling fan Small people say, "I wish I was him" But it's been nine years since I've had a trim The barber said, "I can't reach the top of his head" Seven foot man I cannot hide Seven foot man I know 'cause I've tried Seven foot man My last girlfriend died Because my penis is seven foot wide So the next time you see me walking around And my head's right about to hit a tree branch tell me to duck down And I'll pay you back soon you will see By getting your frisbee down from that tree I do what I can, I'm the seven foot man Seven foot man Seven foot man |
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| 4. |
| 6:04 |
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singers: The Peeper, The Peeper, whats goin' through his head? woah!
(Leaves rusteling) Peeper: Climin' the tree. slowly. quietly. lookin' for next branch. found it. got it. windo high. great view. settelin' in. keepin' it quiet. hidden. heart pounding through chest. waiting. lookin' around. nervous. lights on, jackpot, here she is. oh my. no pants. classey. not to tight. walkin around the room. no idea Im here. lovin' it. Rubbin her feet. tough day. relaxin'. hops off bed, goin twards bathroom. shuttin' the door. alone again... waiting. lookin' around. board. pullin' out nippel clips. Painful! ow... but these are a bit. (door opening) Bathroom door opens. lovin' it. oooh my.... hairs in a pony tale. she picks up the tv clicker. click (tv makes noises) sittin' back. watchin. watchin' her watch. lovin it. (giggling) she laughs. ha ha ha. I laugh. oh yea. sharin a moment. (dog panting) theres a dog. not good. (sniffing) he can smell me. should've shoured. (barking) barkin. wont leave. oh no, here she comes. stayin motionless. fuckin' dogs loosin it. (window open) girl: Bud! you be quiet and go home like a good boy. (dog stops barking and walks off) Peeper: dosnt see me. she's gorgous. Im grotesque. (knock) Peeper: knock at front door! she goes to answer! (door opens) Peeper: Its him.... chizzeled features.. they kiss. Im fuming. also hard. hatin' myself. sniffin fingers. woman: ohhh... Peeper: she moans! ohhhh! I moan. He looks up. busted. should not have moaned... (footsteps) Peeper: he walks toword windo. muscular man: this guy. gotta be fuckin kiddin me Peeper: full of rage. looking right at me. man: theres a guy in the tree out here. Peeper: full of shame. woman: are you serious? Peeper: completely worthless. hard as a rock. man: I see you shit head! well the cops are comin you sick fuck! and if you even think of runnin away Ill bash your fuckin' skull with a lead pipe! Peeper: stayin still. motionless. pretending to be a squirrel. (squirrel noises) (dialing) Peeper: not working. shes calling. dreams shattered (talking) Peeper: ultamate humiliation. (squirt) Peeper: ejaculating. man: AWWW!!! YOU GROSS PIG! YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT YA KNOW THAT! Peeper: yes I do... cant help myself. (car pulling up and door opening) cop: L.A.P.D. get down from the tree buddy. (squirrel noises) Peeper: trying the squirrel thing again. looking for a nut. cop: I said get down from there! Peeper: down I go... (Slam, slam, slam, slam) Peeper: Oh! woman: I hope they put you im for a long time! you need some serious help you ass hole! Peeper walking away: I know I do... Its an addiction cop: lets go big guy, c'mon Peeper: wifes going to kill me. cop: dont be doing this shit mr... nippel clips. (Peeper slamming into cp car seat) Peeper: handcuffed... cant sniff fingers... (door slams and engine warms up) Peeper: please piss on me... cop: yea, this is officer Tyler, everythings under controle. Peeper: PLEASE piss on me? If somebody could piss on me, that would be great. singers: The peeper, belly eaper, hes goin off to jail! WOAH! |
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| 5. |
| 1:37 |
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-{The Sounds of waves crashing-
SEAN:This is quite the chill night.kicking back on the beach with a fine girl such as yourself. GIRL #2:Yeah, the waves are so calming. SEAN:So, is your body.looking like michaelangelo made you or some shit. GIRL #2:Thanks sean, that's so sweet. -{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player- SEAN:Let's see what's going on under this velvet top of yours. GIRL #2:Uh-oh. SEAN:Oh calming, your coming off strong with some beautiful waves of your own there, baby. GIRL #2:Oh sean, you're so cute. SEAN:Why don't we leave the summer skirt on, but let's take those fine panties passed those long, strong legs of yours, hmm? GIRL #2:Oh my god. SEAN:Yeah. GIRL #2:And how about you take off clothes, sean. SEAN:Oh, oh is that right, baby?You want me to show my stuff, too? GIRL #2:My god, you look good, sean. SEAN:Yeah, yeah baby I keep in shape, you know. GIRL #2:Ooh. -{she starts to unbuckle his pants- SEAN:Yeah, unbuckle my pants, move hands on my wet weiner and let's get it swingin'. GIRL #2:What's that? SEAN:Let's get it swingin'. GIRL #2:No, the other thing you said? SEAN:...The wet-weiner? GIRL #2:-{gasps- You know what? SEAN:Yeah? GIRL #2:I'm going to go throw up, now.See you. SEAN:Hmm, leave me all horny here.How-- how you going to get home there, baby? GIRL #2:I'll walk.-{She begins to walk away- SEAN:Mm-hm. I'm-a call you. GIRL #2:Don't. -{She's gone- SEAN:A'ight, A'ight.I'm go in for a swim anyways, you know that baby.-{to self- Going to get this swing-ding wet somehow. Salted off the rubarbs, ain't that a bitch? THE END |
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| 6. |
| 2:59 |
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He said he'd be here at seven
The clock just hit 7:22 It's too cold outside To wait for my ride Watching mama try out a new doo (Bruins) He said he'd be here at seven But it just hit 7:35 (already?) Here in Brockton, Mass., I got my thumb in my ass Mama's combing up a big beehive (Celtics) Where the fuck is he? Where the fuck is he? The bitch doesn't even bother calling Even though it's 7:44 (I fell asleep, pally) I'm feeling kinda antsy Mama's getting fancy Slicking back a wet pompadour (Red Sox) He said he'd be here at seven It's closing in on 8:01 (Trimmin' the ????stache, kid) Me lookin' like a sap In a wool knit cap Mama's next move is a bun (fuckin' Patriots) Where the fuck is he? (My pants are still in the dryer, dude) Where the fuck is he? (I couldn't find my fuckin' snowboots, pal) I wish I had a car (Huge, huge hangover) Oh, no (Massive hailstorm, massive hailstorm, massive) That stupid little punk He's probably fuckin' drunk I bet he drank a case Wanna pop him in the face right now Mama's eyebrow Wicked good Wicked good (Oh, GOD) Wicked good Wicked good (Fuck yeah) Wicked good Wicked good (Pisser?) Well my friend is still a no-show And I'm getting' fucking pissed (Why?) ????Cause I could've gone with Charlie In the side of his Harley Mama's on the phone with a stylist (Fuck Charlie!) So I guess I ain't going out tonight ????Cause the digits say 12:09 (Shit-faced) But call the operator ????Cause one perm later Mama's hair sure do look fine (Heffenreffer!!!) Where the fuck |
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| 7. |
| 16:19 | 
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| 8. |
| 1:23 |
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-{Sean pouring champagne-
SEAN: Yeah.Yeah.That's right.Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there. GIRL #3:Oh Sean, you're so sweet. SEAN:Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I tink I want to taste'em. -{He presses the 'play' button on his tape player- I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes. GIRL #3:Mm, sounds nice. what else? SEAN:Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course.I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot.But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't. -{she laughs sensually- Ooh, zippity, dippity. -{she takes a sip on the champagne- -{she laughs sensually- GIRL #3:Tell me, what do you want me to do to you? SEAN:Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special:My pud. GIRL #3:What did you just say? SEAN:I said you going to like tonight's special... GIRL #3:And that's your pud? SEAN:Yeah. GIRL #3:You got to leave. SEAN:Mm-hmm.A'ight.Just let me find my pants and I-- -{looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on- I'm leaving. -{zips up pants--{stops tape player, pulls out tape- Could you at least tell me the best way home? |
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| 9. |
| 4:01 |
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Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast But she loves me the most Even though she's a highly paid whore She'll give head to a sheep She can stuff three cocks in her cheek But she comes home to me She'll do the groom and the best man She'll slap your ass in the back of a van But she comes home to me She could fuck nine guys in a row But still have a tenth for me And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips Unless you pay an extra fifty So mister, don't you fall in love Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove Since her heart belongs to me She has a throat that just won't quit She can take all of it And still have room for your balls but she shops in the malls for me She'll say twelve then call back and say one But I don't care I know it's just work not fun When she blows you, Jack Don't you think she's not thinking of me She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack But strictly for the cash And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee to watch her put a water bottle in her gash (Put a water bottle in her gash) She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin' But don't you dare try to go antique-ing Cause she does that with me Her pussy's sweet as honey But when she moans, it's just for the money Unless she's sittin' on me She'll cram your asshole with a mouse But she won't do it in our house Tough luck, Jack She knows that don't fly with me She might eat your wife's box But she won't tell ya where you left your socks She rolled up and down your fat prick But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick She's got a face full of nuts And a mouth full of cocks She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block, She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game But they never got to know her actual name On your face she will piss On your chest she might poop But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup That's simply reserved.. Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya But she'll never thank you for free Cause baby... comes home to me. Comin' home!! |
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| 10. |
| 7:57 |
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Gaze upon the stake,
flames will soon start to embrace Condemned, auto da f? she about to fall from grace In the land of the rising sun shadows are falling again The die is cast, the future and past coming to her at last Oh, oh, oh All she needed was a Champion Oh, oh, oh Crying for a saviour to fight for her life Behold, the freedom cries by the dying of the light Too late to justify for vindication upon this night In the land of the rising sun shadows are falling again From out of nowhere, a rider declared to answer her final prayer Oh, oh, oh He stood up to be the Champion Oh, oh, oh He became the saviour that fought for her life Face to face, eye to eye The saviour fought to save her pride Far beyond the starlit skies, the encounter went on Gaze upon the stake, as the flames start to embrace A life, an act of faith, long-lost gone without a trace In the land of the rising sun Shadows are falling again The die is cast for the future and past came for her at last Oh, oh, oh All she needed was a Champion Oh, oh, oh Crying for a saviour to fight for her Oh, oh, oh He stood up to be the Champion Oh, oh, oh He became the saviour that fought for her life |
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| 11. |
| 1:15 |
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-{Sean on the phone with a call-girl.}-
SEAN: What's your name, baby? GIRL #4: Desiree. SEAN: Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self. GIRL #4: What's your name? -{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}- SEAN: My name's sean, I want to get it on. GIRL #4: Ooh. SEAN: you know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama. GIRL #4: Oh sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want. SEAN: Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you,-- GIRL #4: Oh my. SEAN: --You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you? GIRL #4: That's sounds nice, sean. SEAN: You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears. GIRL #4: I'm already naked, how about you? SEAN: Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine. GIRL #4: You must look good you stud, are you hard? SEAN: Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go. GIRL #4: ..."Tally-whacker"? SEAN: No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat. GIRL #4: Oh my god. SEAN: What? GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- I just heard some f**king idiot call it a tally-whacker. -{Sean groans}- CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- your kidding? GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- And his sweet-meat. CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- that's so gross. -{she hangs up}- SEAN: No. She did not just f**king hang up on me for 4 dollars a f**king minute. -{hangs up}- what the f**k is happening -{weeping}- ... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. F**king, this is so un-chill. |
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| 12. |
| 3:59 |
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Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah So much funnaka To celebrate Chanukah Chanukah is the festival of lights Instead of one day of presents We get eight crazy nights When you feel like the only kid in town Without a Christmas tree Here's a new list of people who are Jewish Just like you and me Winona Ryder, Drinks Manischewitz wine Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein Guess who gives and receives Loads of Chanukah toys The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish, Courtney Love is half too Put them together What a funky bad ass Jew We got Harvey Keitel And flash dancer Jennifer Beals Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish And yes her boobs are real Put on your yarmulka Its time for Chanukah 2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka celebrates Chanukah O.J. Simpson Still not a Jew But guess who is, The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo Bob Dylan was born a Jew Then he wasn't but now he's back, Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish 'Cause we're pretty good in the sack. Guess who got bar-mitzvahed On the PGA tour No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore. So many Jews are in the show biz Bruce Springsteen isn't But my mother thinks he is. Tell the world-amanaka It's time for Chanukah It's not pronounced Ch-nakah The C is silent in Chanukah So get your hooked on phonica Get drunk in Tijuanaka If you really really wannaka Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah! |
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| 13. |
| 4:30 |
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I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses I got a ten story mansion on the beach With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues And how did I get to be the man that I am? A god among men, only without the tan It's simple, every time I have to make a choice I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says "Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils" OK "Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it back in the cows" Alright "Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable" OK "Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw and Regis Philbin" Yeah! So how do I explain my little cranial expressions Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession? It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know 'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends "Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album" Done, and done. "Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'" OK "There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater." Hmm, no, I suppose not. "Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'" He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it "Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'" Good idea "It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like" If you say so "Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask, and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it, and tiptoe around the airport." Sounds like fun "How old does a baby need to be before it's too big to fit down the toilet?" I don't know. Let's find out. "Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes." Will do So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say "Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!" Yeah! "Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions, pez, and lint." With pleasure! "If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now." Yeah, I guess so. "Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'" You got it! "Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist." Oh... do I have to? |
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| 14. |
| 1:37 |
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-{Sean pulling up in his car to a hooker-
GIRL #5:Hey, honey. SEAN:S'up baby?looking all smooth, standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit.You cold, baby?You want to use me as a blanket? GIRL #5:I'm just doing my thing. SEAN:Well, does doing your thing mean your tricky?'Cause I'd like to invest some of my hard earned money towards loving you, if you know what I getting at. GIRL #5:Well, how much you got, big man? SEAN:Well, I'm willing to drop 50 dollars on your ass, but there's a condition going on. GIRL #5:What's that? SEAN:You're going to have to put those lucious lips of yours on... my... slub-a-dub. GIRL #5:Ooh, I can do that. SEAN:You can? GIRL #5:Mm-hmm. SEAN:You mean, you ain't going make fun of the fact that I called my gizza-gazza a "slub-a-dub"? GIRL #5:Honey you can call your thing what ever you want to as long as you got 50 bucks. SEAN:oh sna-- well, alright then here's the 50 dollars,-{unzips pants- and here's my flip stick, now start wetting that thing up. GIRL #5:-{Opens his door- Sir, you are under arrest. -{police car pulls up- SEAN:You got to be f**king with mind here. GIRL #5:No, I'm not. COP:Good job denise.we'll take him from here. -{Cop hand cuffs Sean- SEAN:WHAT?!?! You going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slip 'n' slide?F**k that shit. GIRL #5:Hey honey,when you get to jail, you're going to be on the other end of a slip 'n' slide, and I hope you enjoy yourself. SEAN:WWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!?! -{cop throws sean in back of police car- COP:Just get in the back, asshole. GIRL #5:-{from outside- You sick f**k. SEAN:Damn!!-{crying- This is a bunch of bullshit!!! PEEPER: Piss on me.-{also in the back of the police car- SEAN:WHAT?! PEEPER:Please, piss me. SEAN:NO!!! PEEPER:Just a tinkle. SEAN:F**k that, keep him away from me. PEEPER:Urine. SEAN:Keep this man away from me. |
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| 15. |
| 2:12 |
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Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way I love you with all my heart And my love is here to stay But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed? Soon enough you'll be walking You and me hand in hand The silly words you'll be talkin' Only daddy can understand We'll go out making snowmen Building castles in the sand And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed? But time keeps on going And you keep on growin' You're now six years old You're getting so good at your spellin' But my mind is always dwellin' On the fact that you could be the kind of guy Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch All the time All the time So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead? There's other things in life That can make you feel good But you just keep on smoking' your herb You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer Where you getting all this money To buy so much Hawaiian dope? |
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| 16. |
| 11:17 |
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holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie.
It must be fast and shit. This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom. yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something. One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit. What do you mean? I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot. No fucking way! You shitten me? Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times. Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna pass out. I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed. |
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| 17. |
| 1:01 |
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