APRIL, KATHY, MARTA: Doo-doo-doo-doo! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!
You could drive a person crazy, You could drive a person mad. First you make a person hazy So a person could be had, Then you leave a person dangling sadly Outside your door, Which could only make a person gladly Want you even more.
I could understand a person If it's not a person's bag. I could understand a person If a person was a fag. But worse 'n that, A person that Titillates a person and then leaves her flat Is crazy, He's a troubled person, He's a truly crazy person himself.
KATHY: When a person's personality is personable, He should not sit like a lump. It's harder than a matador coercin' a bull To try to get you off of your rump. So single and attentive and attractive a man Is everything a person could wish, But turning off a person is the act of a man Who likes to pull the hooks out of fish.
APRIL, KATHY, MARTA: Knock-knock! Is anybody there? Knock-knock! It really isn't fair. Knock-knock! I'm workin' all my charms. Knock-knock! A zombie's in my arms.
All that sweet affection! What is wrong? Where's the loose connection? How long, O Lord, how long? Bobby-baby-Bobby-bubbi-Bobby,
You could drive a person buggy, You could blow a person's cool. Like you make a person feel all huggy While you make her feel a fool.
When a person says that you upset her, That's when you're good. You impersonate a person better Than a zombie should. I could understand a person If he wasn't good in bed. I could understand a person If he actually was dead.
Exclusive you! Elusive you! Will any person ever get the juice of you? You're crazy, You're a lovely person, You're a moving, Deeply malajusted, Never to be trusted, Crazy person yourself. Bobby is my hobby and I'm givin' it up!
Easy now, Hush, love, hush, Don't distress yourself, What's your rush? Keep your thoughts Nice and lush, Wait.
Hush, love, hush, Think it through. Once it bubbles, then What's to do? Watch it close. Let it brew. Wait.
I've been thinkin' flowers, Maybe daisies, To brighten up the room! Don't you think some flowers, Pretty daisies, Might relieve the gloom? Ah, wait, Love, wait.
TODD: (spoken) And the judge? When will I get to him?
LOVETT: Can't you think of nothin' else? Always broodin' away on your wrongs what happened heaven knows how many years ago!
Slow, love, slow. Time's so fast. Now goes quickly, see Now it's past! Soon will come, Soon will last. Wait.
Don't you know, Silly man? Half the fun is to Plan the plan! All good things Come to those who can Wait.
Gillyflowers, maybe, 'Stead of daisies... I dunno though... What do you think?
Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry? You gave me such a -- Fright, I thought you was a ghost! Half a minute, can'tcher sit! Sit you down, sit! All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks! Did you come here for a pie, sir? Do forgive me if me head's a little vague -- Ugh! What is that? But you think we had the plague! From the way that people Keep avoiding -- No you don't! Heaven knows I try, sir! Ick! But there's no one comes in even to inhale! Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale? Mind you, I can't hardly blame them! These are probably the worst pies in London! I know why nobody cares to take them, I should know, I make them, But good? No! The worst pies in London, Even that's polite! The worst pies in London, If you doubt it, take a bite! Is that just disgusting? You have to concede it! It's nothing but crusting! Here, drink this, you'll need it! The worst pies in London... And no wonder with the price of meat What it is When you get it Never Thought I'd live to see the day Men'd think it was a treat Findin' poor Animals Wot are dyin' in the street! Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop! Does a business but I notice something weird. Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared! Have to hand it to her Wot I calls Enterprise Poppin' pussies into pies! Wouldn't do in my shop! Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick! And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick! No denying times is hard, sir Even harder than the worst pies in London! Only lard and nothing more Is that just revolting, All greasy and gritty? It looks like it's molting, And tastes like, Well, pity
JOANNE: It's the little things you do together, Do together, Do together That make perfect relationships. The hobbies you pursue together, Savings you accrue together, Looks you misconstrue together That make marriage a joy. Mmhmm...
It's the little things you share together, Swear together, Wear together That make perfect relationships. The concerts you enjoy together, Neighbors you annoy together, Children you destroy together That keep marriage intact.
It's not so hard to be married When two maneuver as one. It's not so hard to be married, And Jesus Christ, is it fun.
It's sharing little winks together, Drinks together, Kinks together That make marriage a joy. The bargains that you shop together, Cigarettes you stop together, Clothing that you swap together That make perfect relationships. Uh huh Mmhmm...
FRIENDS: It's not talk of God and the decade ahead that Allows you to get through the worst. It's, "I do," and, "You don't," and, "Nobody said that," And, "Who brought the subject up first?"
It's the little things... The little things, the little things, the little things. The little ways you try together, Cry together, Lie together That make perfect relationships. Becoming a cliche together, Growing old and gray together
I'd like to propose a toast. Here's to the ladies who lunch. Everybody laugh. Lounging in their caftans and planning a brunch. On their own behalf. Off to the gym, then to a fitting. Claiming they're fat and looking grim Cause they've been sitting choosing a hat. Does anyone still wear a hat? I'll drink to that.
And here's to the girls who play smart- Aren't they a gas? Rushing to their classes in optical art, Wishing it would pass. Another long exhausting day, Another thousand dollars. A matinee, a Pinter play, Perhaps a piece of Mahler's. I'll drink to that. And one for Mahler!
And here's to the girls who play wife- Aren't they too much? Keeping house but clutching a copy of LIFE, Just to keep in touch. The ones who follow the rules, And meet themselves at the schools, Too busy to know that they're fools, Aren't they a gem? I'll drink to them. Let's all drink to them.
And here's to the girls who just watch- Aren't they the best? When they get depressed It's a bottle of scotch, Plus a little jest. Another chance to disapprove Another brilliant singer. Another reason not to move Another vodka stinger. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! I'll drink to that.
So here's to the girls on the go- Everybody tries. Look into their eyes and you'll see what they know. Everybody dies. A toast to that invincible bunch. The dinosaur surviving the crunch. Let's hear it for the ladies who lunch- Everybody rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise! Rise!
There was a barber and his wife, And he was beautiful A proper artist with a knife, But they transported him for life. And he was beautiful...
(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker. TODD: What was his crime? LOVETT: Foolishness.
He had this wife, y'see, Pretty little thing, Silly little nit, Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing. Poor thing. There were these two, y'see, Wanted her like mad, One of 'em a judge, t'other one his beadle! Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle! But she wouldn't budge from her needle! Too bad, Pure thing. So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did, Leavin' 'er with nothing but grief and a year-old kid! Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid! Poor fool! Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...
(spoken) Johanna... That was the baby's name, pretty little Johanna. TODD: Go on. LOVETT: My, you do like a good story, don't you?
Well, Beadle calls on her all polite, Poor thing, Poor thing! The judge, he tells her is all contrite, He blames himself for her dreadful plight, She must come straight to his house tonight, Poor thing, Poor thing!
Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, They're 'avin' this ball all in masks! There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing! She wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing! The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing! 'Oh, where is Judge Turpin,' she asks... 'E was there alright, Only not so contrite!
She wasn't no match for such craft, y'see, And everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, y'see, So all of them stood there and laughed, y'see! Poor soul! Poor thing!
There was a barber and his wife, And he was beautiful A proper artist with a knife, But they transported him for life. And he was beautiful...
(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker. TODD: What was his crime? LOVETT: Foolishness.
He had this wife, y'see, Pretty little thing, Silly little nit, Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing. Poor thing. There were these two, y'see, Wanted her like mad, One of 'em a judge, t'other one his beadle! Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle! But she wouldn't budge from her needle! Too bad, Pure thing. So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did, Leavin' 'er with nothing but grief and a year-old kid! Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid! Poor fool! Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...
(spoken) Johanna... That was the baby's name, pretty little Johanna. TODD: Go on. LOVETT: My, you do like a good story, don't you?
Well, Beadle calls on her all polite, Poor thing, Poor thing! The judge, he tells her is all contrite, He blames himself for her dreadful plight, She must come straight to his house tonight, Poor thing, Poor thing!
Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, They're 'avin' this ball all in masks! There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing! She wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing! The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing! 'Oh, where is Judge Turpin,' she asks... 'E was there alright, Only not so contrite!
She wasn't no match for such craft, y'see, And everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, y'see, So all of them stood there and laughed, y'see! Poor soul! Poor thing!
There was a barber and his wife, And he was beautiful A proper artist with a knife, But they transported him for life. And he was beautiful...
(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker. TODD: What was his crime? LOVETT: Foolishness.
He had this wife, y'see, Pretty little thing, Silly little nit, Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing. Poor thing. There were these two, y'see, Wanted her like mad, One of 'em a judge, t'other one his beadle! Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle! But she wouldn't budge from her needle! Too bad, Pure thing. So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did, Leavin' 'er with nothing but grief and a year-old kid! Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid! Poor fool! Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...
(spoken) Johanna... That was the baby's name, pretty little Johanna. TODD: Go on. LOVETT: My, you do like a good story, don't you?
Well, Beadle calls on her all polite, Poor thing, Poor thing! The judge, he tells her is all contrite, He blames himself for her dreadful plight, She must come straight to his house tonight, Poor thing, Poor thing!
Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, They're 'avin' this ball all in masks! There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing! She wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing! The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing! 'Oh, where is Judge Turpin,' she asks... 'E was there alright, Only not so contrite!
She wasn't no match for such craft, y'see, And everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, y'see, So all of them stood there and laughed, y'see! Poor soul! Poor thing!
There was a barber and his wife, And he was beautiful A proper artist with a knife, But they transported him for life. And he was beautiful...
(spoken) Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker. TODD: What was his crime? LOVETT: Foolishness.
He had this wife, y'see, Pretty little thing, Silly little nit, Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing. Poor thing. There were these two, y'see, Wanted her like mad, One of 'em a judge, t'other one his beadle! Every day they'd nudge and they'd wheedle! But she wouldn't budge from her needle! Too bad, Pure thing. So they merely shipped the poor blighter off south, they did, Leavin' 'er with nothing but grief and a year-old kid! Did she use her head even then? Oh no, God forbid! Poor fool! Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...
(spoken) Johanna... That was the baby's name, pretty little Johanna. TODD: Go on. LOVETT: My, you do like a good story, don't you?
Well, Beadle calls on her all polite, Poor thing, Poor thing! The judge, he tells her is all contrite, He blames himself for her dreadful plight, She must come straight to his house tonight, Poor thing, Poor thing!
Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, They're 'avin' this ball all in masks! There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing! She wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing! The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing! 'Oh, where is Judge Turpin,' she asks... 'E was there alright, Only not so contrite!
She wasn't no match for such craft, y'see, And everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, y'see, So all of them stood there and laughed, y'see! Poor soul! Poor thing!
