Nerf Herder

When you met me at the party you thought I was a nice guy
But you didn't have a clue at what was going on inside
I ordered you a drink and asked you for a dance
But all I really wanted was to smell your underpants

I'm a pervert, a pervert
Can't change the way I am
I'm a pervert, a pervert
Don't want to shake my hand

That night you asked me over to watch Hollywood Squares
You left me in your room, I left a stain on your teddy bear
Can you see it in my eyes, can you see it in my smile?
Can you see the way I imagine you doing doggystyle

I'm a pervert, a pervert
I've got sweaty palms
I'm a pervert, a pervert
It just goes on and on
On and on, on and on, on and on, on and on

You called me on the phone, said you wanted to talk
But how could you have known what I was doing with my sock
Say you want to be my girlfriend but will you love me anymore
When you catch me with my polaroid outside the bathroom door

I'm a pervert, a pervert
Can't change the way I am
A pervert, a pervert
Don't want to shake my hand
I'm a pervert, a pervert
I've got sweaty palms
A pervert, a pervert
It just goes on and on
On and on, on and on, on and on, on and on

She works all day at the Burger King
Getting greasy for the dollars
Promoted to fries but theres tears in her eyes
Its not the grease or the pickles that upset her

California, Hotel California
California, Hotel California
California, Hotel California
You can't stab the beast

A look of disgust on her pimple marked face
No amount of mayonnaise can cover
She frowns at the kill, char boiling on the grill
Singing "death for no reason, death for no reason"
It's murder...

California, Hotel California
California, Hotel California
California, Hotel California
She can't stand the heat
She stabs it with her stealy knife but she just can't kill the beast

California, Hotel California
California, Hotel California

Girl sometimes you're hungry,
You want something to eat
You don't want no little salad yes you want a lot of meat
You don't want no pastrami,
And no corned beef on rye
Girl there's only one kind of sandwich that's really gonna satisfy

chorus:
Love sandwich
Love sandwich, uh huh
Love sandwich
Love sandwich, uh huh

This ain't the kind of snack
That you get from your mommy
Your mommy ain't never seen such a whole lot of salami
Girl I'm gonna take you on a superfantastic trip
'cause, baby you haven't had nothing til you've had my miracle whip

(chorus)

Yeah you, and me, and Steve makes three
And Dave has got the video, Dave has got the video


Yeah you, and me, and Steve makes three
And Dave has got the video, Dave has got the
Yeah you, and Steve, and Bernie makes three
And Fernando and Mr. Belvedere in the hot tub, yeah!

Girl sometimes you're hungry,
You want something to eat
You don't want no little salad yes you want a lot of meat
Let me tell you 'bout
The funky love sandwich
Me and Steve are the bread
And you're the meat, bitch!

(chorus)

Love sandwich, uh huh uh huh uh huh (4x)

Don't bother going to class
'cause nobody cares if you cut.
And it's not smart to experiment
With Ben Gay on your nuts.
If you ask her out and she says maybe
What she really means is no way.
And if you try to jerking off
behind the back stop
The team will be playin' that day.
Oh YeAh!

Chorus ---->

These are the things
I wish I knew...
These are the things
I wish I knew...
in high school
yeaaaah
These are the thingggs
I wish I knew in high school



Don't call the head jock a fag
Even if it's true,
And don't hold out for that one special girl
'cause she'll never have sex with you.
No Way!

Chorus

*guitar solo type thing*

Don't let 'em see you cryin
No matter how it hurts
And nobody ever got laid
'cause they were wearing a Rush t-shirt

Chorus

I know girls like you
Need someone to screw-up their life
And make you contemplate suicide,
When you need a friend to
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
Call on me... yeah

You need someone bad,
To irritate your dad,
Someone who'll make you cry,
And sock you in the eye,
When you need a friend to
Bring you to your knees,
Call on me... yeah

Am I crazy enough? Am I angry enough?
Am I stupid enough? Am I lazy enough?
Am I drunk enough? Do I flunk enough?
Am I jealous enough?
Am I selfish enough to be...
Your bridge under troubled water, yeah!

You like pain, you're insane
You can key my car,
And punch my face in the bar
When you blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
Call me... oh yeah



Am I crazy enough? Am I angry enough?
Am I stupid enough? Am I lazy enough?
Am I drunk enough? Do I flunk enough?
Am I jealous enough?
Am I selfish enough to be...
Your bridge under troubled water, yeah!

Am I boring enough?
Am I snoring enough?
Am I demanding enough?
Un-outstanding enough?
Am I fat enough? Mad enough?
Am I bad enough? Wear plaid enough?
Am I drunk enough?
Smell like a skunk enough?
Do I wank enough?
Do crank enough to be...
Your bridge under trouble
Your bridge under trouble
Your bridge under troubled water!

There's a place on Figueroa Street,
Where you can always go
Smiling faces you might meet,
Whoa-oa-oa, All Hail,
The Sportsman Bar
Whoa-oa-oa, All Hail,
The Sportsman Bar

The trophies on the mantel
Are covered with dust,
And the pretzels are from 1982
The soda from the bar
Tastes just like rust,
Nobody cares! All Hail
The Sportsman Bar
Whoa-oa-oa, All Hail,
The Sportsman Bar

There's Mike Green,
He's fallen to his knees,
He's mumbling 'bout the
State Street rock and roll
They took away the booths,
But unless they take the roof
We will see you again here tomorrow!



Say a prayer for friends
Who passed away,
Say a prayer for the lurkers
And the losers
And to all you bastards
That moved out of town,
We'll see you at Thanksgiving
At the Sportsman Bar
Whoa-oa-oa, All Hail,
The Sportsman Bar

Ned's our man,
With his Pabst Blue Ribbon can,
Uh-oh, he's looking for a fight!
He'll punch you in the face,
But it's your kind of place
So we'll see you again here tomorrow!

Everybody's drunk! Everybody's drunk!
Whoa-oa-oa, All Hail, The Sportsman Bar

They put you down and call you crazy
Say "You're disgusting and uncool!"
Just because you like to touch yourself
Out by the public swimming pool

You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!
You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!

You used to do it in the park
But the powers that be didn't like it
THey called you "pervert" and "criminal"
Now you have to use a blanket

You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!
You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!

You've got to fight!
Pass the acorn butter!
7-11 two for a dollar!

They say that you'll go blind
And your ruining your health
But how can anybody love anyone in this crazy world
If you can't love yourself?

You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!
You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!
You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!
You've gotta fight for your right to masturbate!

You've gotta fight! Awww...

I wanna take you out for ice cream
I wanna take you out for ice cream
I wanna take you out for ice cream
And show you a real good time

I wanna take you to the baseball game
I wanna take you to the baseball game
Buy you peanuts and crackerjacks
And show you a real good time

No I wont break into your apartment
Hit you on the head with a chair
Pull down my pants, take a dump on your rug
And wave my dick in the air, NO!!

I wanna take you out for ice cream
I wanna take you out for ice cream
I wanna take you out for ice cream
And show you a real good time

I know a girl, Nikki Webster
The cutest in the world, Nikki Webster
Strawberry curls, Nikki Webster
Yeah you're the tops of pops
Nikki Webster

So far away, across the sea
Down in Australia, that's where she be
At the movies, at the show
Eating Hungry Jacks, on the radio

She likes to ride her horse, Nikki Webster
Swimming's her favorite sport, Nikki Webster
She's only 3 foot 4, Nikki Webster
What can I do? I love you!
Nikki Webster

Can I take you home? Lock you in a cage?
Poke you with a stick, and feed you mayonnaise?
Won't you jump around like a monkey in a zoo
If I dress up like a clown, is it allright with you?
Is it allright with you?

We love you Nikki Webster!

Is there life on Mars girl
If there is I'd like to go there
Just like Elton John, the Rocketman
He sure bought some fucked up clothes there

I've heard it said that
Outer space is not the kind of place to raise your kids
But after my life so far here on Earth
I sure wish my parents did

I look up to the sky and I pray to the heavens
Won't someone come and take me away
Someone come and take me away to the stars, to the moon
Please make it soon, oh yeah

The aliens landed in Roswell
And the government hid them so no one could see
It happens every week on the X-Files
So why can't it happen to me

So yes, I might miss a couple friends
And summer barbecues on the weekends
Another 40,000 coming every day
So take me away I've got nothing to lose
Nike shoes, black jumpsuits, shaven heads and purple blankets

Won't someone come and take me away
Someone come and take me away
To the stars, to the moon
Please make it soon, oh yeah

Beam me up
Stray me down
Probe my brain
Cure my boredom

Won't someone come and take me away
Somehow come and take me away
To the stars, to the moon
Just make it soon
Someone come and take me away
Someone come and take me away

Down on Haley, Haley Street
Where the drugs are easy and the sex is cheap
You never know just who you'll meet on Haley
Crack dealer looks out his door
Winks his eye and waves to his whore
She don't wanna turn tricks anymore on Haley
You don't have to ride the straight and narrow
As long as you drive up in a Camaro
Tattoo parlor why don't you hang out
Let 'em show you what it's all about
We're gonna help you work it on out on Haley
Don't need no license don't need no subpoena
You can hook up with your favorite gina
Makin' fun if you know what I mean on Haley
You don't have to ride the straight and narrow
As long as you drive up in a Camaro
Goin down down ... on Haley (x4)

I'm not the one you dream about and
I'm not the one you can't live without
I'm not the one you want to see
I'm not the one who you want to be seen with
But when you're tired of all the jerks,
and you're tired of all the work
and you're tired of being hurt
You will long for the comfort of my golfshirt
I'm not the one who was an old time punk rocker
I was listening to Rush and trying to feather my hair back
when all that stuff went down
I'm not the one who was in a high school hardcore band
I sat in my room, scoring with Ms. Pac-Man
But when you're tired of all the jerks,
and you're tired of all the work
and you're tired of being hurt
You will long for the comfort of my golfshirt
Yeah!
No tats, no piercings
No hats, no grung beard baby, yeah
No tats, no piercings
No hats, no grung beard baby, yeah
Yeah, oh yeah

Sorry we broke up, sorry I missed you
Sorry I wanted only to kiss you
Sorry I promised to love you forever
Made you feel guilty oh when you left me
Sorry I showed up at your party
Sorry I drank up all the Bacardi
Sorry I puked up on your bedspread
Sorry I wanted to be your boyfriend again
What can I do?
It's over it's over it's over it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser
Sorry I saw you and I heard birds sing
Sorry I touched you and I heard bells ring
Sorry I jacked off outside of your window
While you were sleeping, I thought you'd never know
Sorry I showed up at your wedding
Sorry I tried so hard to get in
Sorry I screwed up your picture
Sorry I had sex with your sister
What can I do?
It's over, it's over, it's over, it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser
Sorry we broke up, sorry I missed you
Sorry I wanted only to kiss you
Sorry I promised to love you forever
Made you feel guilty oh when you left me
Sorry I showed up at your dinner
Sorry I said those things to your father
Sorry I crashed through your window on acid
Sorry I made a mess
Sorry I bled to death
What can I do?
It's over it's over it's over it's over
What can I do?
I am the loser

Yeah she... she's just a girl
Yeah she's just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world

And she rides that midnight train goin' anywhere
She's an easy mark

Yeah he... he's just a boy
Yeah he's a big city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit

And he catches that midnight train goin' anywhere
He's an easy mark

She lays down in the grass on Strawberry Hill
He is there smelling like nicotine and peanut butter
You gotta love her

Yeah she... she gets up off the floor
She says you can beat me all you want to
But I don't love you anymore
No I don't love you anymore

And she rides that midnight train goin' anywhere
She's an easy mark

I hate this world, this stupid world, this screwed up world
I hate this world, this fucking world

I bought Van Halen 1.
It was the best damn record I ever owned.
TG&Y, 1978.

Two hand tapping guitar technique,
really got me off,
eruption yah.
Ain't talkin' bout' love.
I'm on fire.

Tomorrow may come,
Tomorrow may never come again.
Can't you hear Jamie cryin'
She's runnin' with the devil.
Oh lord, oh lord.

I bought Women and Children First, Fair Warning,
and Van Halen 2.
Danced the night away.

1984, my favorite record yah, I wore it down.
Might as well jump. Might as well jump.

Tomorrow may come,
Tomorrow may never come again.
Can't you hear Jamie cryin'
She's runnin' with the devil.
Oh lord, oh lord.

Is this what you wanted?
Sammy Hagar. Sammy Hagar.
Is this what you wanted, man?
Dave lost his hair-line, but you lost your cool, buddy.
Cant drive fifty-five.
I'll never buy your lousy records again.
Again, again, never again, never again, never again,
never again, never again, never again, never again,
never again, never again, never again, never again,
never again, never again. NO NO NO!!

Tomorrow may come,
Tomorrow may never come again.
Can't you hear Jamie cryin'
She's runnin' with the devil.
Oh lord, oh lord.

Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, might as well jump,
jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, might as well jump.

Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh ohhhh

I saw her at the club,
She was standing with a french girl
Bonswashe Lepupe,
Yea she had a beautiful smile
And they met at face to face
Went back to his place,
She sat on his face
And now its history,
The rest is history,
She sat on his face,
And the rest is history

That's why he cried, he lost, he lost everything
That's why he cried,
He lost it all
He lost it all to Diana, Diana
Part German, part Hispanic
Diana, where did you go?

I saw her downtown,
She was hanging with the cougars,
She was hanging out with Steve,
And that was where she wanted to be,
She was workin' at the place,
Where they sell Real Parmesan
Yea she's gone, oh so gone,

That's why he cried, he lost, he lost everything,
That's why he cried,
He lost it all,
He lost it all to Diana, Diana,
Part German, part Hispanic
Diana where did you gooooo?

Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh oh...
Oh oh oh oh ohhhh x3

I... I met a girl
She was standing on the dance floor of the club
She was a very very pretty girl
So I went up and talked to her
And when you share your thoughts with someone you feel close to them

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

Yeah she had pretty hair and beautiful eyes
And a Dalmatian jacket (Dalmatian jacket)
And she was the kind of girl who you would give up eating meat for
No more salami
No more steak or potatoes
Yeah you would walk on down to the health food store
And buy hummus and tabouli and babaganoush and ricecakes ricecakes ricecakes

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

As it turns out, she was the cousin
Of the ex-girlfriend of my good friend Steve my very good friend Steve
But she didn't like me
She said I was a drunkard, an alcoholic, a weirdo, a freak (freak)

Nosering girl I love you
Nosering girl I want you I want you I want you

Wearing flash pants and her streetwalker shoes
Walkin' downtown with a pocket full of blues
She's the one you want so much
She's the one you can, you can never touch

Here comes Annalee
Annalee yeah, here comes Annalee

Standing on the corner you see her cuttin' a deal
Windows rolled down you can't believe she's for real
She's the one it ain't no joke
She's got lips ' lips just like Cherry Coke

Here comes Annalee
Annalee yeah, here comes Annalee