Weird Al Yankovic

Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular (popular, ooh)
But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh)
My life is filled with such regret
A bad mistake I can't forget
And now I'll never be the same

Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone

When my phone goes off at work
I look like the biggest jerk
Total strangers wanna slap me around
When it's ringin' on the terrace
My neighbors get embarrassed
They're beggin' me to move outta town
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick
But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine
It's a pain, I sure don't need it
And I probably should delete it
But for me that would be crossin' the line
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine
Hey, I paid good money for this...



Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone

Ringtone
Ringtone
Ahh, ooh

Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers)
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea
Every single person everywhere unanimously
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway

Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry, I'm telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you before you died
Everyday he' make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene

Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya

Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape
But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR
No, no, no
Talkin' about CNR

Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway

Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry, I'm telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you before you died
Everyday he' make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene

Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya

Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape
But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR
No, no, no
Talkin' about CNR

Whoa, yeah!

You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist

Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah

Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed

On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo

An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard:
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you

Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all

They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist

Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular (popular, ooh)
But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh)
My life is filled with such regret
A bad mistake I can't forget
And now I'll never be the same

Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone

When my phone goes off at work
I look like the biggest jerk
Total strangers wanna slap me around
When it's ringin' on the terrace
My neighbors get embarrassed
They're beggin' me to move outta town
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick
But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine
It's a pain, I sure don't need it
And I probably should delete it
But for me that would be crossin' the line
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine
Hey, I paid good money for this...



Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone

Ringtone
Ringtone
Ahh, ooh

Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers)
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea
Every single person everywhere unanimously
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again

Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Hey girl,
You know our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still going to treat you right

I said you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Take you out for dinner, anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey Ds
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can even have the large fry (large fry) yeah, yeah

Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue I always get the two-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here, yeah

You like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em coming
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it

Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play Cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

I can take you to the laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go round and round
And baby we can go wherever you like (if you like)
I said we can go wherever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Hottest shorty I know, if you had some lipo
You could be second-runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled
Up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
As long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't got to pay me, that's the way that I roll

My chick can have want she want
At Wal-mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that, Yeah

You like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kind of far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?

Mac and Cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like (if you like)
I said you can even have the last slice (the last slice) yeah, yeah

Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next do'
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can watch whatever you like (if you like) yeah

And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
It's all about the Washingtons, that's right

You want White Castle, need White Castle
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, we'll get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later

Thrift store jeans on sale half-price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Baby, I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like (if you like)
I said you can have as much as you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDB me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again

Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin their ears
Somebody shoot me cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Whoa, yeah!

You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist

Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah

Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed

On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo

An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard:
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you

Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all

They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist

Hey girl,
You know our economy's in the toilet
But I'm still going to treat you right

I said you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Take you out for dinner, anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey Ds
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can even have the large fry (large fry) yeah, yeah

Baby, you should know I am really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue I always get the two-ply
Want it, you can get it, my dear
I got my Costco membership card right here, yeah

You like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em coming
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it

Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play Cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

I can take you to the laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go round and round
And baby we can go wherever you like (if you like)
I said we can go wherever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Hottest shorty I know, if you had some lipo
You could be second-runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar bills rolled
Up inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day old
And you never ever gotta wear your sister's old clothes
As long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't got to pay me, that's the way that I roll

My chick can have want she want
At Wal-mart she can pick out anything she want
I know girl you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that, Yeah

You like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kind of far and I'm not made of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?

Mac and Cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like (if you like)
I said you can even have the last slice (the last slice) yeah, yeah

Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next do'
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can watch whatever you like (if you like) yeah

And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo, my wallet's fat and full of ones
It's all about the Washingtons, that's right

You want White Castle, need White Castle
Long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, we'll get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later

Thrift store jeans on sale half-price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like (if you like)
I said you can have whatever you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Baby, I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like (if you like)
I said you can have as much as you like (if you like) yeah, yeah

Weird Al Yankovic-Canadian Idiot Don't want to be a Canadian idiot 캐나다 바보가 되고 싶지 않아 Don't want to be some beer-swillin' hockey nut 맥주만 줄창 쳐마시는 하키 또라이가 되고 싶지 않아 and do I look like some frost bitten hosehead 난 동살걸린 호스 꼭지처럼 보일거야 I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed 난 절대 알파벳 A부터 Z까지 안 배웠어 They all live on donuts and moose meat 그들 모두 다 도너츠하고 무스고기만 먹고 살지 and they leave the house without packin' heat 보온 용품 없이 집을 나서지 never even bring their guns to the mall 쇼핑 몰에 총을 절대로 가져 가지 않지 and you know what else is too funny 그 밖에 웃긴게 너무 많은데 그 중에도 their stupid monopoly money can't take 'em seriously at all 어리버리 전매품인 돈은 그들을 진지하게 받아들이지 못하게 하지 Well maple syrup and snow's what they export 메이플 시럽과 눈은 주요 수출품이지 they treat curling just like it's a real sport 컬링을 진짜 스포츠로 생각하지 they think their silly accent is so cute 어리버리 사투리가 귀엽게 들린다고 생각하지 can't understand a thing they're talking aboot 야그하는 걸 전혀 알아 들을 수 없는데도 말이지.. sure they got their national health care 국립 건강 보험이 있긴 하지만 cheaper meds low crime rates and clean air 낮은 범죄율과 청정 대기 때문에 의료비가 엄청 싸지 then again well they got celine dion 하지만 그들한테는 셀린 디옹이 있지 eat their weight in kraft macaroni 그들 몸무게 유지용으로 마카로니를 먹지 and dream of driving a zamboni 잼보니를 모는게 꿈이지 all over saskatchewan 서스캐처원에서는 Don't want to be a Canadian idiot 캐나다 바보가 되고 싶진 않아 We'll figure out the temperature in Celcius 우리는 섭씨 온도를 알아낼거야 see the map they're hovering right over us 그들이 우리 바로 위에서 맴도는 낯짝을 봤지 tell you the truth it makes me kinda nervous 솔직히 말하면 그게 날 약간 초초하게 만들어 always hear the same kind of story 항상 같은 이야기만 듣지 break your nose and they'll just say sorry 코를 부러뜨리고 걍 미안하다고만 말할걸 tell me what kind of freaks are that polite 어떤 똘추 짓이 거기선 예의인지 말좀 해줘 It's gotta mean they're all up to something 그건 그들 모두가 뭔가 꾸미려는 걸 말하지 so quick before you see it coming 그러면 그들이 올거 같으면 재빨리 time for a pre-emptive strike 선제 공격을 가할 시간이야

Jillian was her name, she was sweeter than aspartame. Her kisses reconfigured my DNA and after that, I never was the same. And I loved her more than Marlon Brando loved souffle. She was gorgeous, she was charming, yeah she was perfect in every way. Except she was always using the word infer, when she obviously meant imply. And I know some guys would put up with that kinda thing, but frankly, I can't imagine why, and I told her I said

Hey! Are we playin' horseshoes honey, no I don't think we are. You're close, but no cigar.

Then I met sweet young Janet, prettiest thing on the planet. Had a body hotter than a habanjero, she had lips like a ripe pomergranite. And I was crazy like Manson about her, she got me all choked up like Momma Cass. She had a smile so incredibly radiant, you had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass. I thought after all these years of searchin' around, I found my soul mate finally. But one day I found out she actually owned a copy, of Joe Dirt on DVD, oh no! I said

Hey! Are we lovin' hand grenades kiddo, no I don't think we are. You're close! Oh so very close. Yeah, baby you're close, so close, but no cigar!

Julie played water polo. She wore a ribbon on her left manolo. She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was there, my heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rif solo. And she was every thing I've dreamed of, she moved right up to number 1 on my list. And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire bikini, super model astrophysicist. Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron, look like a big fat slobbering pig! The only caveat is one of her earlobes
was just a little tiny bit too big, oh no, I said

Hey! Are we doin' government work here, no I don't think we are. You're close! So very very close! Aw, baby you're close, so close, but no cigar.

Watch this

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I came up up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slip my mind the last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three of my confessions
First I told you about the skank that I was cheating with,then I mentioned she's having my kid
That's not all, now I recall more you see, so I'll give you part three of my confessions

Now this is gonna be the hardest thing I ever had to do,
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts one and two
Like remember when I told you I knew Paulie Shore (Paulie Shore)
That's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your chapstick (from you)
Without asking I tried out your nose hair trimmer (too)
And by the way your diamond ring is cubic circonium,
I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I needed to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
I threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There have been times when I've peed in your sink
Don't know why, but you and I should agree that belongs in part three of my confessions

Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grought
Oh and sometimes in private, I really like to dress up as Shirley Temple and spank myself with a hockey stick (hockey stick)
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, I didn't get that raise.
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days!
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you as a midget
I'm so sorry Debbi! I mean Bridget!

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I got a few more secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and then picked up off the floor
FYI it was not a cold sore
Oops my bad, but you'll be madder at me when I finish part three of my confessions

You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this, but remember that shirt that you got me for my birthday?
Well, I returned it for store credit. That thing was hideous, what were you thinking?
O and by the way, I wasn't really sick last week,
I just didn't wanna go to your stupid office picnic
Oh and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of rice krispies,
What I meant was that there was only enough left for me. Sorry.

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say, I thought of some more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and wiped it on your cat
And I lied, yes that dress makes you look fat
Anyway, I shouldn't say anymore 'til I give you part four of my confessions

I know that you don't know me very well
We've barely met, but I can surely tell
No one will ever love you like I do
I like to feel the warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool and usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum that you threw in the garbage

You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now is
Do I creep you out?

Everytime I shake your hand now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Do I creep you out?

Call you every night and hang up, whoa, up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg

Something I should ask about
Can I sniff the pit stains on your blouse?
And do I creep you
Do I creep you out?

Your restraining order's out
Still the only question with me now (oh, the only question)
Is do I creep you out? (is do I creep you out?)

Know exactly where you live now
Followed you from work back to your house
(Followed you from work back to your house)
Well, do I creep you out?
Do I creep you out?

once in a while
maybe you will feel the urge
to break... international copyright laws

by downloading MP3's
from file sharing sites
like morpheus or crocster
or limewire or kazaa

cuz deep in your heart
you know the guilt would drive you mad
and the shame would leave a permanent scar

cuz you start out stealing songs
then you're robbing liquor stores
and selling crack and running over school kids with your car

[chorus]
so don't download this song
the record store's where you belong
go and buy the CD like you know that you should
oh, don't download this song

oh, you don't wanna mess
with the R-I double A
they'll sue you if you burn that CD-R

it doesn't matter if you're a grandma
or a seven year old girl
they'll treat you like the evil hard-bitten criminal scum you are

[chorus]
so don't download this song
don't go pirating music all day long
go and buy the CD like you know that you should
oh, don't download this song

don't take away money
from artists just like me
how else can i afford another solid-gold humvee?
and diamond-studded swimming pools
these things don't grow on trees
so all i ask is "everybody--please!!"

[chorus]
don't download this song
(dont do it, no no)
even lars ulrich knows its wrong
(you can just ask him)
go and buy the CD like you know that you should
(you really should)
oh, dont download this song

dont download this song
(oh please dont you do it)
or you might wind up in jail like Tommy Chong
(yeah how bout Tommy?)
go and buy the CD like you know that you should
(go on buy it)
oh dont download this song

dont download this song
(no no no no no no)
or you'll burn in hell before too long
(and you'll deserve it)
go and buy the CD like you know that you should
(go on buy it)

*fades out*

I sued Taco Bell cuz I ate half a million chaloopas and I got fat
I sued Panasonic. They never said I shouldn't use their microwave to dry off my cat
I sued Earthlink cuz I called 'em up and they had the nerve to put me on hold
I sued Starbucks cuz I spilled a Frappaccino in my lap and brrr it was cold!
I sued Toys "R" Us cuz I swallowed a Nerf Ball and nearly choked to death!
Uh!
I sued Petco cuz I ate a bag of kitty litter and now I got bad breath!
I sued Coca Cola yo cuz I put my finger down in a bottle and it got stuck!
I sued Delta Airlines cuz they sold me a ticket to New Jersey, I went there, and it sucked!
Yeeeeeaaaaaaah!
If ya stare me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late!
I'm gonna sue sue yes I'm gonna sue. Sue sue yeah that's what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna sue sue yes I'm gonna sue. Sue sue yeah I might even sue you!
Uh!
I sued Duracell they never told me not to shove that AA right up my nose!
I sued Home Depot because they sold me a hammer which they knew I might drop on my toes!
I sued Dell Computers cuz I took a bath with my laptop now it doesn't work!
I sued Fruit of the Loom cuz when I wear those tightie-whities on my head I look like a jerk!
I sued Verizon cuz I get all depresed any time my cell phone is rolling!
I sued Colorado cuz ya know I think it looks a bit too much like Wyoming!
I sued Neman Markus cuz they put up their christmas decorations way outta season!
I sued Ben Affleck.. aww do I even need a reason?
Uh!
If I sprain my ankle when I'm robbin' your place!
If I hurt my knuckes when I punch you in the face!
I'm gonna sue sue yes i'm gonna sue sue sue yeah that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna sue sue yes i'm gonna sue sue sue that's right i'm gonna sue you!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
I'll sue ya I'll take all your money.
I'll sue ya even look at me funny. I'll sue ya I'll take all your money
I'll sue ya even if ya look at me funny! I'll sue ya! I'll take all your money!
I'll sue ya even if ya look at me funny!
I'll sue ya I'll take all your money!
I'll sue ya even if ya look at me funny!
I'll sue ya! ha ha ha ha ha!
I'll sue ya! whatcha think of that?!
I'll sue ya! ha ha ha ha ha! Booyah! I'll sue ya! Uh!

Oooh oooh oooh ee-oooh oooh oooh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh-oooh oooh
Oooooh

I'm always thinkin' 'bout it
I don't know what I'd do without it
I love, I really love
My pancreas

My spleen just doesn't matter
Don't really care about my bladder
But I don't leave home without
My pancreas

My pancreas is always
There for me
Ahh-oooh

Secreting those enzymes (bap bap bap)
Secreting those hormones too
Metabolizing carbohydrates
Just for me

Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas

Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba ba
My pancreas
Ba-ba ba ba-ba ba ba ba-ba ba
My pancreas
Ooooooh

My pancreas attracts every other
Pancreas in the universe
With a force proportional
To the product of their masses
And inversely proportional
To the distance between them

Woo woo woo woo

Don'tcha you know you gotta
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum

Won'tcha
Flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice
Flow, flow, into the deuodenum

Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow, flow, flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Insulin, glucagon
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow, flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenium)

Lipase, amylase, and tripsin
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
They gonna help with our digestion
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Can't you see I love my pancreas
{Lipase, amylase, and tripsin}
(Insulin, glucagon)
(Won'tcha flow flow flow, pancreatic juice)
Golly-gee I love my pancreas
{They gonna help with our digestion}
(Comin' from the islets of Langerhans...)
(Flow flow, into the deuodenum)

Can't you see I love my pancreas...

[Chicken Dance] ["Let's Get it Started" by Black Eyed Peas] Let's get it started (ha) let's get it started in here Let's get it started (ha) let's get it started in here Let's get it started (ha) Let's get it started in here And the base keeps runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' And runnin' runnin' ["Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand] I say don't you know You say you don't know I say... take me out! I say you don't show Don't move, time is slow I say (gunshot) take me out! ["Beverly Hills" by Weezer] Beverly Hills - That's where I want to be! (gimme, gimme) Living in Beverly Hills Beverly Hills - Rolling like a celebrity! (gimme, gimme) Living in Beverly Hills ["Speed Of Sound" by Coldplay] And birds go flying at the speed of sound To show you how it all began Birds came flying from the underground If you could see it then you'd understand (Accordion Solo) ["Float On" by Modest Mouse] And we'll all float on ok And we'll all float on alright Already we'll all float on Now don't you worry we'll all float on Alright... ["Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz] Feel good Feel good Feel good ["Don't Cha" by Pussycat Dolls] Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha? Don't cha? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha? Don't cha? Don't cha? Don't cha? ["Somebody told me" by The Killers] Somebody told me You had a boyfriend Who looked like a girlfriend That I had in February of last year It's not confidential Well, I've got potential A rushin' a rushin' around Hey! Hey! Hey! ["Candy Shop" by 50 featuring Olivia] I'll take you to the candy shop I'll let you lick the lollypop Go 'head girl, don't you stop Keep going 'til you hit the spot (woah) We'll take you to the candy shop (yeah) Boy one taste of what we got (un'huh) We'll have you spending all you got (come on) Keep going 'til you hit the spot (whoa) ["Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg] When the pimp's in the crib ma Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot When the pigs try to get at you Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot ["Pon De Replay" by Rihanna] Come Mr. DJ song pon de replay Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up? All the gyal pon the dancefloor wantin' some more what Come Mr. DJ won't you turn the music up? Hey Mr. Please Mr. DJ Tell me if you hear me Turn the music up! ["Gold Digger" by Kanye West] She take my money (she take my money) When I'm in need (when I'm in need) Yea she's a trifflin' friend indeed (friend indeed) Oh she's a gold digga way over town (way over town) That digs on me Hey! Hey! Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger But she ain't messin wit' no broke broke Now I ain't sayin she's a gold digger But she ain't messin wit' no broke broke Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl, go head get down (I gotta leave) Get down girl, go head But I ain't sayin' she's a Gold gold digger (gold gold) Gold gold digger (gold gold) Gold gold digger (gold gold) Hey!

Seven O'clock in the evening
Watchin somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me

She says "Is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard?"
And I say "I don't know.
Say, it's gettin' late...what you wanna do for dinner?

She says "I kinda had a big lunch.
So I'm not super hungry."
I said "Well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat."

She said "So what do you have in mind?"
I said "I don't know what about you?"
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat."
I said "That's what we're gonna do!"

"But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!"
And she says "Let me think...
...What's left in our refrigerator?"

I said "Well, there's tuna, I know."
She said "That went bad a week ago!"
I said "Is the chili OK?"
She said "You finished that yesterday!"

I hopped up and I said
"I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?"
She's like "Why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"

I'm like "No, I said 'delivered'."
She's like "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like "I should know what I said..."
She's like "Whatever, I just don't want any liver!"

Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID

It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today...
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail."
I said, "OK."

"Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right
So what d'ya want to do?"
She said "Why don't you whip up somethin in the kitchen?"
"Yeah," I said, "Why don't you?"

And then she said "Baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes"
I says "No"
She says "Yes...
...Oh, here's your keys"

I step a little bit closer
Say "OK, where ya want to go?"
She says "How about The Ivy?"
I said "Yeah, well I don't know..."

I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says "Olive Garden?"
I say "Nah, I'm not in the mood...

...And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt"
She says "Just forget about it"
I said "No, I swear I'm gonna take you out!"

Then I get an idea
I says "I know what we'll do!"
She says "What?"
I say "Guess"
She says "What?"
I say "We're goin' to the drive-thru!"

So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors

Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway

Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!

Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?

Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her.
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us.
All just waiting to order

There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
"Hey, What you trying to do, blind me?"

My wife says "Maybe we should park...
...We could just go eat inside."
I said "I'm wearin' bunny slippers
So I ain't leavin' this ride..."

Now a woman on a speaker box
Is sayin' "Can I take your order, please?"
I said "Yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese."

Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time"

I said "You always get a cheeseburger!"
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for."
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
"I don't know who you are anymore!"

The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said "Then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!

I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like "You want onions on that?"
I'm like "Yeah, I already said that I do...

...Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it."

Then I said "I'm guessin' that
You're probably not too bright...
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right."

She says "One, you want a chicken sandwich.
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"
"Stop, don't go no further!"

"I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!"
Then she says "We're havin' a special,
I supersized you at no charge."

"Oh." And that's all
I could say, was "Oh."
And she says "Now there is somethin' else
That I really think you should know.

You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more..."
I say "Great, except we're in the drive thru...
So what would I want that for?"

Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar...hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "No, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul?

She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me.
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry.

I said "I know a guy named Paul.
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer.

He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe."
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!"

And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "Next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents."

So we inched ahead in line
Movin' painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio...

<i>[Song plays]</i>

<i>[Click]</i> Turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake.

Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said "Um,
I think you have somethin' in your teeth."

She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "Did I get it?"
I said "Yeah. Well, I mean, most of it...
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it."

Then she said "How about now?"
I said "Yeah, almost.
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast."

Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!

And the lady at the window's like,
"Well, well that'll be five eighty two."
I turn around to my wife, and say
"How much have you got on you?"

She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess."
So she reaches into her purse
And busts out the American Express

I hand it to the lady
And she says "Oh, dear.
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here."

I took back the card and said
"Gee, really? Well that sucks."
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carryin' three bucks.

I said "I thought you were
Going to hit the ATM today"
She says "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?

And I said "Nevermind,
Just help me to find some change..."
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin at me kinda strange...

And she says "Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along"
I said "Now hold your stinkin' horses lady,
We won't be long."

We looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between he seats

Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"

And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"

And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said "OK
Forget the chicken sandwich then"

So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat

And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearin' a dorky nametag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene."

And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him "Hey, Eugene,
Can I get some ketchup for my fries?"

Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him

And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"

I say "Ketchup!"
And he says "Oh yeah, that's right...
...I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight."

And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally drivin' away
And the food is drivin' me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet

I'm starvin' to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say "Baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!"

So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger

And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
Really want to give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
'Bout a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get any mail with the subject: ""Stinky Cheese""
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances
Should you open it or else it will
Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record ""Gigli""
Neuter your pets and give your laundry static cling
(Look out!) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out!) Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
(Look out!) Erase your hard drive and your back-ups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you
Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then it will tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will
Decide to give you a permanent wedgie
Legally change your name to Reggie
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool
(Look out!) It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
(Look out!) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out!) And tell you knock-knock jokes while your tryin' to sleep
(Look out!) And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out!) Steal you identity your credit cards
(Look out!) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out!) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right, it's a…
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it e-mails your grandmother all of your porn…
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a 43-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn any clothes you may have worn at any time you were online
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Virus alert
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know
Hit… send… right…now

Faces filled with joy and cheer
What a magical time of year
Howdy-ho it's Weasel Stomping Day

Put your viking helmet on
Spread that mayonaise on the lawn
Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day

All the little girls and boys
Love that wonderful crunching noise
You'll know what this day's about
When you stomp a weasel's guts right out

So come along and have a laugh
Snap that weasely spine in half
Grab your boots and stomp your cares away
Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Day

People up and down the street
Crushing weasels beneath their feet
Why we do it, who can say
But it's such a festive holiday

So let the stomping fun begin
Bash their weasely skulls right in
It's tradition, that makes it ok

Hey everyone it's Weasel Stomping
We'll have some fun on Weasel stomping
Put down your guns it's weasel stomping
Daaaaayyyy

Hip-hip-hooray it's Weasel Stomping Daaaaayyyyy
Weasel Stomping Day, Hey!

They see me mowin' My front lawn I know they're all thinking I'm so White N' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy Look at me I'm white n' nerdy! I wanna roll with- The gangsters But so far they all think I'm too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy I'm just too white n' nerdy Really really white n' nerdy First in my class here at M.I.T. Jock skills I'm a champion of D&D MC Escher that's my favorite MC Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea My rims never spin to the contrary You'll find they're quite stationary All of my action figures are cherry Stephen Hawking's in my library My MySpace page is all totally pimped out I got people begging for my top 8 spaces Yo I know Pi a thousand places Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze There's no killer app I haven't run At Pascal, well, I'm number one I do vector calculus just for fun I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun Happy Days is my favorite theme song I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon They see me roll on, my Segway! I know in my heart they think I'm white n' nerdy! Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy Look at me I'm white n' nerdy I'd like to roll with- The gangsters Although it's apparent I'm too White n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy I'm just too white n' nerdy How'd I get so white n' nerdy? I've been browsing, inspectin' X-men comics you know I collect 'em The pens in my pocket I must protect 'em My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored Shopping online for deals on some writable media I edit Wikipedia I memorized the Holy Grail Really well I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL I got a business doing websites When my friends need some code who do they call? I do HTML do for them all Even make a homepage for my dog! Yo I got myself a fanny pack they were having a sale at the GAP Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap POP POP! Hope no one sees me get freaky! I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour cream I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team! Only question I ever thought was hard Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard? I spend every weekend at the Renaissance Faire Got my name on my underwear! They see me strollin' They laughin' And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white n' nerdy Just because I'm white n' nerdy Just because I'm white n' nerdy All because I'm white n' nerdy Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy I wanna bowl with- the gangsters but oh well it's obvious I'm white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy Think I'm just too white n' nerdy I'm just too white n' nerdy Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!

Uh huh... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges - what a shame
No one came
Just us, eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get
my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take the laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
I was feelin' pretty down
Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my
cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no
I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience , oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's all right, nothing is fine
I'm running and a-crying

Wake up (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
(Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
Here you go create another fable

You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

You wanted to
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table?
You wanted to

I don't think you trust
In my self-righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey

I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
I'm gonna get free
Ride into the sun

She never loved me
She never loved me
She never loved me
Why should anyone?

(Come here, come here, come here)
I'll take your photo for ya
(Come here, come here, come here)
Drive you around the corner

(Come here, come here, come here)
You know you really oughta
(Come here, come here, come here)
Move out to California

Do what I want 'cause I can
If I don't because I wanna
Be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna

Hate to say I told you so, all right
Do believe I told you so
Now it's all out and you knew
'Cause I wanted to

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love at once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading

Can't think of anything to do
Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting
She's just looking for something new
Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now

Last night, she said
"Oh baby, don't you feel so down
When you turn me off
When I feel left out"

So I (what'd you do?)
Well, I turned around (right around)
"Oh, baby, gonna be alright"
It was a great big lie (big old lie)

'Cause I left that night
Yeah

Ooh ah ah ah ah
Ooh ah ah ah ah

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Open up your hate and let it flow into me

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness

Get up
Come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift that has been given to me

We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk
We're the renegades of funk

This time I'm 'a let it all come out
This time I'm 'a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
My way or the highway

This time I'm a let it all come out
This time I'm a stand up and shout
I'm a do things my way
It's my way
[honk]
[honk]
Or the highway

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors

'Cause inside you're ugly
Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy
Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are, we are
The youth of the nation

We are, we are
The youth of the nation
We are the youth of the nation Hey

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up

I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please
Please, please stand up

Slim Shady won't you please stand up?
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)(Stand up)
(Stand up Shady)
Shady, won't you please stand up?
Hey

I, man, am regal - a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot or to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see god?
"Do nine men interprite?" "Nine men," I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfish as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?

Ah, Satan sees Natasha
No evil lived on
Lonely Tylenol
Not a banana baton
No "x" in "Nixon"
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
"Naomi," I moan
"A Toyota's a Toyota"
A dog, a panic in a pagoda

Oh no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies - run!
Senile felines
Now I see bees I won
UFO tofu
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog

Look if you had one shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV
you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it
or just let it slip
Yo Remote it ready
eyes wide palms are sweaty
There's Flinstones on the
TV already Wilma n Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
and I'm HD ready
So flip
Garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
always says omething foul
They're dyin' wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
time to throw in the towel
Shows based on reality
oh the humanity
Oh Ozzy's family
sho' love profanity
Whoa the insanity
oh dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity No
they live happily yo
Plus Da Ali G Show
and Celebrity Mole
Oh and there's Anna Nicole
she's scaring me
Look ma no cavities Oh
it's a station break
Better go out to the
kitchen and microwave something
You're gonna lose your mind
watchin' TV
They told me they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in
every show
My cable gets
C SPAN TV Land and HBO
The Travel Channel
Discovery and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind
watchin' TV
They told me cajoled me
Turn off those music videos
I'm gonna watch
CSPAN TV Land and HBO
The History Channel and
QVC and Lifetime You're gonna
My butt is aching
as I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King to 24 to
Law And Order
The Weather Channel's boring
like 60 Minutes
ancient reporters
Next up on E True
Hollywood Story
The rise and decline of
twelve actors named Corey
Shows for next fall
they've already been namin'
CSI Boise and Touched By
An Uncle both sound
pretty lamen n
So does Everybody
Tolerates Raymond
And King of Queens jumped
the shark the first minute
I can't believe
Richard Simmons ain't in it
I'll move right on to 8
Simple Rules For Dating
My Teenaged Daughter
Then I bet I watch bachelorette
Followed by Welcome Back
Kotter And The Muppet
Show where they go 'Mahna Mahna'
You're gonna lose your mind
watchin' TV
They told me they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in
every show
My cable gets
C SPAN TV Land and HBO
The Disney Channel and
A E and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind
watcin' TV
They told me cajorled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow
I'm looking at
C SPAN TV Land and HBO
They Playboy Channel and Court
TV and Lifetime You're gonna
Never missed Melrose
Place or Lost In Space
I've seen each Amazing Race
and Without A Trace
But I only watched
Will And Grave one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo
now thinks I'm gay
Oh and Fear Factor
I watched maybe a half hour
After that felt like
I needed a long shower
Network execs
with naked ambitions
Next week on FOX
watch lions eat Christians
Like to tie up
those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that
junk 'til their heads
explode just like Scanners
Leech covered grub eatin'
fools on Survivor
Look there's James Lipton
discussing the oeuvre
of Mr Rob 5 chneider
And there's Gilligan
and SpongeBob plus
there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna
hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig Latin
episode of Drew Carey
Wanna turn on E T
'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J Lo
is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
then we come back to
Are You Hot
I was planning on recording
The Sopranos ooh I forgot
I love shows with or without
a plot I'll stare
'til my legs are numb
my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life
watching television a lot
You're gonna lose your mind
watching TV
They told me they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in
every show
My cable gets
C SPAN TV Land and HBO
The Sci Fi Channel and
AMC and Lifetime
You're gonna lose your mind
watching TV
They told me cajoled me
Turn off that
Oprah Winfrey show no
I got it on
C SPAN TV Land and HBO
The Learning Channel and
MTV and Lifetime You're gonna
You can watch anything
you want to man

Yeah
A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay

My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

I'll buy ... your knick-knack
Just check ... my feedback
"A++!" they all say
They love me on eBay

Gonna buy (a slightly-damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies, new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found him on eBay

I am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to go, whoa
Got Paypal or Visa, what erev'll please
As long as I've got the dough

I'll buy ... your tchotchkes
Sell me ... your watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy ...)
I'm highest bidder now

(Junk keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage sale) (Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
(Hey! A Dukes Of Hazard ashtray)
Oh yeah ... (I bought it on eBay)

Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case on vintage tube socks)
Wanna buy (a Kleenex used by Dr. Dre, Dr. Dre)
(Found it on eBay)

Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcet poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why ... the kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)

What I bought on eBay-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box
Everyone says I'm dumber than a bag of rocks
I barely even know how to put on my own pants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka laka
Hoom chaka

I may not be the sharpest hunk of cheese
I got a negative number on my SATs
I'm not good looking and I don't know how to dance
But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be
A genius in France, a genius in France, a genius in France

People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak
An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique
If I was any dumber, they'd have to water me twice a week

But when the Mademoiselles see me, they all swoon and shriek
They dig my mystique, they say I'm c'est magnifique
When I'm in Par-ee, I'm the chic-est of the chic

They love my body odor and my bad toupee
They love my stripey shirt and my stupid beret
And when I'm sipping on a Perrier
In some cafe town in St. Tropez

It's hard to keep the fans at bay
They say, "Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"
"Sign my poodle, s'il vous plait"

Hemenene humenene
himenene homenene
Poodle... poodle...

Folks in my hometown think I'm a fool
Got too much chlorine in my gene pool

A few peas short of a casserole
A few buttons missing on my remote control
A few fries short of a happy meal
I couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Instructions on the heel
Instructions on the heel

But when I'm in Provence, I get free croissants
Yeah, I'm the guy every French lady wants
And if you ask 'em why, you're bound to get this response
(He's a genius in France! Genius in France!)

That's right
(He's a genius in France, genius in France)
You know it
(He's a genius in France, genius in France, genius in France)

I'm not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
But the folks in France, they don't seem to agree
They say, "Bonjour, Monsieur would you take ze picture with me?"

I say, "Oui, oui"
That's right, I say, "Oui, oui"
"Oui, oui"
He says, "Oui, oui"

I'm dumber than a box of hair
But those Frenchies don't seem to care
Don't know why, mon frere
But they love me there

I'm a genius in France
Yeah, I'm a genius in France

Gonna make a big splash when I show up in Cannes
Gonna make those Frenchies scream
"You ze man! You ze man! You ze man!"

Like a fine Renoir (waa), I've got that je me c'est quoi (quoi!)
Like a fine Renoir (ooh la la), I've got that je me c'est ...
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo
Quoi quoi quoi quoi quoi, oo-we-oo

Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow diddy bow di bow di bow bow diddy
Bow

[snort]

I'm a taco short of a combo plate
But by some twist of fate, all the Frogs think I'm great
Oh, the men all faint and the women scream
They like me more than heavy cream

When I'm in Versailles, I'm a popular guy
My oh my, I'm as French as apple pie (apple pie)
They think I'm awful witty, a riot and a half
When I tell a stupid joke, they laugh(haw haw haw haw haw)
And laugh (haw haw haw haw haw haw)

People in France have lots of attitude
They're snotty and rude, they like disgusting food
But when they see me, they just come unglued
They think that I am one happening dude

Bowm ba ba bowm ba bowm ba bowm
I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball
But they like me better than Charles de Gaulle

Entre nous, it's very true
The room temperature's higher than my IQ
But they love me more than Gerard Depardieu
How did this happen; I don't have a clue

Well, I'm not the quickest tractor on the farm
I don't have any skills or grace or charm
And most people look at me like I'm all covered with ants
But I'm a genius in France (yeah), genius in France, genius in France

And I'm never goin' back, I'm never goin' back
I'm never never never never goin' back home again
I'm tearin' up my return flight ticket
Gonna tell the folks back here where they can stick it

'Cause I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back
I'm never goin' back

The girls back home never gave me a chance
But I sho' 'nuff got them Frogs in some kinda trance
And I'm aware that it's a most improbable circumstance
But "Great Googily Moogily", I'm a genius in France

Every Frenchie that I meet
Just can't wait to kiss my feet
Get in line, pucker up! Tout Suite!

Bowm diddy bowm diddy bowm diddy

I'm gettin' even more famous by the hour
I'm stuffed with pastries and drunk with power
Now they're puttin' up my statue by the Eiffel Tower

A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left
A little more to the left, boys, a little more to the left

I'm the biggest dork there is alive
My mom picked out my clothes for me 'till I was 35
And I forgot to mention
I'm not even welcome at the Star Trek convention

But the Frenchies think
That my poop don't stink
I'm a genius in France

Say, would you pass the Grey Poupon?
Merci beaucoup

Nothin' ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Until a friend told me the news

He said, "Hey, you know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"

Since then I've been walking on air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since last June

For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside
Well, I hope they open soon

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of them will be all mine

Guys with nametags walking down the aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged alphabetically

And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will get a ball peen hammer free

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tacks, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers

I can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open the door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the
Hardware store

Peter Parker was pitiful
Couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire

But then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swingin' all over town

La li la, li de da
La la, li le la da dum

Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
'Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil doers to fight

Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his
Who horns in on Mary Jane
But to his great surprise it seems she prefers guys
Who can kiss upside down in the rain

Finger food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a hand

Saturday night, it's the place to be
Everybody cut footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey

Met a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a little talker 'till the cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed

I said, "Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried her eyes out - literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Hey, hey

Hey now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head for dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait a minute, it looks like Stu

Well, hold the phone now, what do I see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony

There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)

Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper colony
Well, there's a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Hey

Rotten So rotten here So rotten
Oh
It was like, the last day before trash day
My place was gettin' kinda nas-tay
Even though the garbage I knew would reek
(You know) Thought that I could leave it for one more week
Then, um, I'm takin'
Birthday cake 'n'
(Oh) Chili and greasy old bacon
Throw it all on top of the mess I been makin'
Wife's so mad, she starts to shakin'
Leaky bag, 'n' now that girl is gaggin'
She's naggin'
"I need you to get that stuff off the kitchen floor"
"Is that too much to ask you for?"
But I see no reason why
Can't let a few more weeks go by
And now garbage is piled up high
And buddy, you should see the flies
I said...
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Boy there's a lot in here (a lot)
And every day it grows
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
Look at all this garbage that I keep generatin'
(Come on) I sit around all day and watch it biodegradin'
Bet there's a hundred health codes that I'm violatin'
Even my dog passed out and needed resuscitatin'
You won't believe it, take a whiff of that aroma
Sure to put you in a coma
It's so messy, can't find my toenail clippers
It's so bad, the roaches wearin' slippers
Warm, sweaty clothes piled up in this joint
Stand up by themselves at this point
It's so filthy, now baby, I can't lie
I wipe my feet before I go outside
I wonder what crawled in here and died
(You know) Walkin' 'round barefoot, I'd be terrified
But it gives me stuff to talk about with my friends
Like "Hey, I think them rats gettin' big!"
Oh
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Look what we got in here (now what?)
Let's watch it decompose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit of a... and a little bit of a...
Make me wanna throw up
It makes ya wanna... just makes ya wanna...
Oh
Some Lysol, some Comet
I got a mop and it's got your name on it
(What?) I'm just kiddin', doggone it
(Oh) Unless you gonna do it
Careful not to breathe the fumes
Check it, garbage piles are goin' all the way to the bathroom
Turn into toxic waste sometime this afternoon
Better get a Hazmat suit and a push broom
Oh
There's somethin' rotten here (say what?)
You better hold your nose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
It's gone to pot in here (to pot)
Bring out the firehose
(Hey, you disgusting slob, you gotta take the trash out)
Make ya wanna throw up
With a little bit a... and a little bit a...
Make me wanna throw up
Give a little bit a... and a tiny bit a...
Make ya wanna throw up
Mix a little bit a... with a molecule a...
Make me wanna throw up
It makes me wanna... just makes me wanna...
Oh

I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt

Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear

I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you'd like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in

Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier

You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet

Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too

I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh

I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?

There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"

My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face

Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I was watching my TV one night when they broke in with a special report
About dsome devistating earthquake in Peru
There were thirty thousand crushed to death, even more were buried alive
On the Richter scale it measured 8.2

And I said, "God, please answer me one question?"
"Why'd they have to interrupt 'The Simpsons' just for this?"
What a drag, 'cause I was taping it and everything
And now I'll have to wait for the rerun to see the part of the show I missed

Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba

I was driving down the highway when all the traffic slowed to a crawl
There was a twelve-car pile-up, everybody dead
And I saw brains and guts and vital organs splattered everywhere
As well as my friend Robert's disembodied head

And I thought - Poor Rob, I just had lunch with him
Hey, wait a minute, he still owes me money - what a jerk
Well, there's five bucks that I'm never gonna see again
Plus now, on top of everything else, it looks like I'm gonna be late to work

Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
(Why) Why does this always happen to me?

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba

Oh, the other day, my boss said we were running low on toner
And he told me I should buy another case
Well, I told him I was busy, but he still just kept on asking
So, I turned around and stabbed him in the face (right in the face)

Oh, and wouldn't you know it, my knife got stuck
I guess that's probably bound to happen now and then
But I'm afraid I may have bent the tip a little
And I know that blade will never ever be quite as sharp again (quite as sharp again)
Oh, tell me

Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?
Why does this always happen?
Why does this always happen to me?

Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)
Why does this always happen to me?
(Why does this always happen to me?)

Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba

Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba
Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba

&quot;Another One Rides The Bus&quot;
Ridin' in a bus down the boulevard
And the place was pretty packed
Couldn't find a seat, so I had to stand
With the perverts in the back
It was smellin' like a locker room
There was junk all over the floor
We're already packed in like sardines
But we're stoppin' to pick up more
Look out!

Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
And another comes on
And another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus

There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs
There's an elbow in my ear
There's a smelly old bum standin' next to me
Hasn't showered in a year
Well, I think I'm missin' a contact lens
I think my wallet's gone
And I think this bus is stoppin' again
To let a couple more freaks get on
Look out!

Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
And another comes on
And another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus

Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus (ow)
Another one rides the bus (hey, hey!)
Another one rides the bus (hey-y-y-y!)

The window doesn't open, and the fan is broke
And my face is turnin' blue
I haven't been in a crowd like this
Since I went to see The Who
Well, I should'a got off a couple miles ago
But I couldn't get to the door
There isn't any room for me to breathe
Now we're gonna pick up more, yeah

Another one rides the bus
Another one rides the bus
And another comes on
And another comes on
Another one rides the bus
Hey!
He's gonna sit by you
Another one rides the bus

&quot;Buckingham Blues&quot;
Gonna tell you a story about Chuck and Diane
Couple British kids from the palace at Buckingham
Chuckie wants to grow up and be a polo star
And ride his little horsies all around the backyard

You know they really paid their dues
I said hey, lady mama, they got them Buckingham blues

Now Chuckie goes hunting, and leaves Diane alone
So she fixes her hair, and she talks on the Princess Phone
Chuckie's still tryin' to figure out what his job's supposed to be
And Diane's the fashion leader of the aristocracy

I said hey, Lady Di, tell me where'd you get them shoes?
Ah, well hey nonny nonny, looks like you got them Buckingham blues

Aw, bein' heir to the throne, well it must be awful hard
Gotta pose for pictures out on the front yard
And Lady Di, well, she must have it pretty rough
Gotta hang around the house all day, makin' babies and stuff
Another game of croquet, then they're off on a Caribbean cruise
Well hey bop-a-re-bop, they really got them Buckingham blues

They don't serve no Twinkies with their afternoon tea
Never had a dinner made by Chef Boy-ar-Dee
Bein' in the spotlight is a hard life to choose
Diane drops half a pound, it's on the six o'clock news
Ah yeah, those kids have really paid their dues
Aw, what a royal pain it is, when you got them Buckingham blues

&quot;Gotta Boogie&quot;
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
Gotta boogie
I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger
And I can't shake it off!

Well, I went out to a party
Just the other night
I was jammin' to the music
I was feelin' all right
I was burnin' up the floor
Like a disco maniac
When my woman said
&quot;Baby, why's your hand behind your back?&quot;

Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie)
I said boogie! (Gotta boogie)
I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger,
And I can't shake it off!

I can't pick it off!
(Oh no)
I can't flick it off!
(Oh no)
I sure ain't gonna lick it off!
(Oh no)
So I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with it

I gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie! (Gotta boogie, uh huh, he gotta boogie)
Gotta boogie on my finger
And I can't shake it off!

(Boogie!)
Gotta boogie
(Boogie!)
Hey, you wanna boogie?
No, man, I don't want a boogie!
Wanna boogie?
Get that boogie outta my face!
Do any of you wanna boogie?
No!!!

Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger
Gotta boogie on my finger
And I can't shake it off!

&quot;I Love Rocky Road&quot;
I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old
And vanilla just leaves me cold
There's just one flavor good enough for me
Yeah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon, I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supply is gone
Then I'll be movin' on
But I'll be back on Monday afternoon
You'll see
Another truckload's comin' in for me
All for me

I'm singin', I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

When I'm all alone
I just grab my self a cone
And if I get fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer, throw away the key

Singin', I love rocky road
So won't you go and buy a half gallon baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me!

&quot;My Bologna&quot;
Oooh, my little hungry one
Hungry one
Open up a package of
My bologna
Oooh, I think the toast is done
Toast is done
Top it with a little of my bologna

Never gonna stop
Eat it up
Such a tasty snack
I always eat too much
And throw up
But I'll soon be back
For my my my yi yi wooo!
M-M-M-My bologna

Spreadin' on the mustard now
Show me how
Spread it on a little of
This bologna
Hopin' that we don't run out
Don't run out
If we do, I'm sure that I'll
Miss bologna

Never gonna stop
Eat it up
Such a tasty snack
I always eat too much
And throw up
But I'll soon be back
For my my my yi yi wooo!
M-M-M-My bologna.

Goin' to the market now
Market now
I'm the city's biggest
Bologna buyer
Walkin' down the shopping aisles
Shopping aisles
Fillin' up my basket with
Oscar Mayer

Never gonna stop
Eat it up
Such a tasty snack
I always eat too much
And throw up
But I'll soon be back
For my my my yi yi wooo!
M-M-M-My bologna

&quot;Ricky&quot;
Hey Lucy, I'm home!
Oh, Ricky, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
Hey, Ricky!
Hey, Ricky!
Oh, Lucy, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey, Lucy!
Hey, Lucy!
Oh, Ricky, you're so fine
You play your bongos all the time
Hey, Ricky!
Hey, Ricky!
Oh, Lucy, you're so fine
How I love to hear you whine
Hey, Lucy!

Hey, Ricky!
You always play your conga drums
You think you got the right
You wake up little Ricky
In the middle of the night
Stop shakin' your maracas now
And just turn out the light
Ricky!

I'm sick of Fred and Ethel
Always comin' over here
'Cause Fred eats all our pretzel sticks
And then he spills his beer
Why don't you serve your casserole
And make them disappear
Lucy?

Oh, Ricky,
What's a girl like me supposed to do?
You really drive me wild
When you sing your Babalu
Oh, Lucy
You're so dizzy
Don't you have a clue?
Well, here's to you
Lucy!
I love you too, Lucy, too, Lucy
Let's Babalu, Lucy

Hey, Ricky!
You're always playin' at the club
You never let me go
I'm beggin' and I'm pleadin'
But you always tell me no
Oh please, honey, please
Let me be in your show
Ricky!
Waaa...

You always burn the roast
And you drop the dishes too
You iron my new shirt
And you burn a hole right through
You're such a crazy redhead
I just don't know what to do
Lucy!

Oh, Ricky,
What a pity, don't you understand
That every day's a rerun
And the laughter's always canned
Oh, Lucy
I'm the Laughin' leader of the band
So here's to you, Lucy
Let's Babalu, Lucy, do, Lucy...everybody rumba!

&quot;Stop Draggin' My Car Around&quot;
Had to park my car for just five minutes
I had to go inside to use the phone
When I came back again, my car was gone
Well, I didn't know it was a loading zone
What a bummer, I as so brought down
I had to chase that tow truck a over town, yellin'

Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around

Took my baby to the local disco
I was jumpin' like a maniac
But the owner came and pulled me off the floor
Then he took me to his little office in the back
He said, &quot;I really like your snaggletooth necklace
Your pants are groovy, and your hair's okay
But, man, that car of yours is so uncool
Like wow, I'm sorry, but we towed it away!

Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!

Now I'm at home
I'm watchin' &quot;Gilligan's Island&quot;
Guess it's time to trade my old car in
For twenty dollars and my '64 Plymouth,
Maybe I could get a second-hand Schwinn
Look out the window
There's a tow truck in the driveway
I grabbed the driver and I asked him why
He said, &quot;I'm sorry, kid, you're late with the payments
It's time to kiss your little car goodbye&quot;

Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my...
Stop draggin' my car around!
Stop draggin' my car around!

Listen, the check's in the mail. No, really!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Oh man, I just had the hub caps painted!
Stop draggin' my car around!
Hey! Hey, I left a sandwich in the back seat!

&quot;Such A Groovy Guy&quot;
I got my alligator boots
I wear my pants skin tight
I wear my dark sunglasses
In the middle of the night
And when I look in the mirror
Oh, it's such an awesome sight
It makes me want to kneel down and pray

I'm so adorable and charming
I'm sure that you can see
And everybody's always tryin' to hang around with me
They tell me I'm the greatest, and it's hard to disagree
'Cause I'm so perfect in every way

And I'm so cute
I can hardly stand it
And I'm so handsome, honey, I could just die
I know you'll never be as wonderful as me
But at least you can try

'Cause I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy

Baby, are you in the mood for a little romance?
Well, for starters, I could pour some chocolate pudding down your pants
And then attach electrodes to your brain, and watch you dance
Well, golly, wouldn't that be fun?
Oh, and then I might decide to tie you up with dental floss
I'll make you wear a harness, and I'll show ya who's the boss
Of course, if you refuse, well honey, it's your loss
I mean, I don't do this with just anyone

So baby, how can you say its all over?
So how can ya tell me goodbye?
So now you tell me that you're leavin' me for good
And all I wanna know is why?

I mean, after all, I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy

I mean you could do worse

I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
I'm such a groovy guy (such a groovy guy)
Yeah, I'm such a groovy guy

(Trigger happy! Trigger happy!)
Got an AK-47, well, you know it makes me feel alright.
Got an UZI by my pillow,
helps me sleep a little better at night.
There's no feeling any greater, than to
Shoot first and ask questions later.
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.
(Trigger happy every day)
Well, you can't take my guns away -
I got a Constitutional right. (Ooh-we-ooh)
Yea, I gotta be ready if the Commies attack us tonight.
(Bam bam bam)
I'll blow their minds out with my Smith & Wesson.
That oughta teach 'em all a darn good lesson.
Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.
(Trigger happy every day)

(Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.

Oh, I accidentally shot Daddy last night in the den.
(Shot daddy in the den)
I mistook him in the dark for a drug-crazed Nazi again.
(Drug-crazed Nazi again)
Now, why'd you have to get so mad?
It was just a lousy flesh-wound, Dad.
You know I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.
(Trigger happy every day)

Oh, I still haven't figured out the safety on my rifle yet.
(Bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa)
Little Fluffy took a round - better take him to the Vet.
(Bop doo wa, sh'wop wop doo wa)
I filled that Kitty-Cat so full of lead. (Ooh-ooh-ooh)
We'll have to use him for a pencil instead.
Well, I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.
(Trigger happy every day)

(Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.

Come on and grab your ammo.
(Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) What have you got to lose?
We'll get all liquered up
and shoot at anything that moves.

Got a brand-new semi-automatic weapon
with a laser sight.
(Shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill)
Oh, I'm prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight.
(Shoot to kill, now, shoot to kill)
I always keep a magnum in my trunk.
You better ask yourself,
"Do you feel lucky, punk?"
Because I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.
(Trigger happy every day)

(Oh, yea I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, baby I'm) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy.
(Oh, I'm so) trigger, trigger happy.
Yes, I'm trigger, trigger happy. (Trigger happy)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.

(Watch out or he'll blow you away)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.
(Watch out or he'll blow you away)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.
(Watch out or he'll blow you away)
Better watch out punk,
or I'm gonna have to blow you away.

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know I shun fancy things like electricty At 4:30 in the morning I'm milking cows, Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows...fool! And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone. I'm a man of the land I'm into discipline Got my Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin. But if I finish all my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699. We've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise I've churned butter once or twice living in an Amish Paradise It's hard work and sacrifice living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price living in an Amish Paradise A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek, I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell. But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it, An Amish with a 'tude you know that's unheard of. I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black...fool! If you come to visit you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years. But we ain't really quaint so please don't point and stare, We're just technologically impaired. There's no phones no lights no motor cars not a single luxury Like Robinson Crusoe we're as primitive as can be. We've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise We're just plain and simple guys living in an Amish Paradise There's no time for sin and vice living in an Amish Paradise. We don't fight we all play nice living in an Amish Paradise. Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter, raise a barn on Monday, Soon I'll raise another. Think you're really righteous, think you're pure in heart Well I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art. I'm the pious guy the little Amlets wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife. So don't be vain and don't be whiny or else my brother I might have to get medieval on your heinie We've been spending most our lives living in an Amish Paradise We're all crazy Mennonites living in an Amish Paradise There's no cops or traffic lights living in an Amish Paradise But you'd probably think it bites living in an Amish Paradise -&nbsp;

Hit my snooze alarm for the 27th time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I've got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say?
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today

I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear watching "Ernest Goes to Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy now anyway
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today

I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive!

Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today

Listen to the Muzak Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache This is it, pal Root Canal
My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities, Can you help me
Have mercy Doctor, please
My teeth are a fright Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me, Floss me, bill me

You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm in so severe Pain
Please stop for a bit
Now Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me, Floss me, bill me

You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment
for a week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon a little problem on
My x-ray Oy vey! It's getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me, Floss me, bill me

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
with a rabid wolverine in my underwear
when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?
I probably would have kept on guessing
but about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
and they took some Polaroids and said
I was a darn good sport
and as a way of saying thank you,
they offered to transport me back to any point
in history that I would care to go,
And so I had them send me back to last
Thursday night so I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders started yellin'
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil
twin when I got a nasty paper
cut and, well, to make a long story short,
it got infected and I died
so now I'm up in heaven with
St. Peter by the pearly gates
and it's obvious he doesn't like the
Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway,
but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity
and every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
doesn't really matter anymore,
because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
(Everything you know is)
Everything you know is wrong

Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
My name is Forrest, he'd casually remark
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates
He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?
Gump was a big celebrity
He told JFK that he really had to pee
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run, like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!
His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right
Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that

Say
do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he pulled my pants off
and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that
he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone
calls from midnight till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was
always foolin' around
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Say
do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey
how bout the day
he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue
All those wedgies he gave
all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies
he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar, I swear
it was a laugh a minute with you
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half
Well, he really got me good that time!
Say, do you remember
when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his
ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him
who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar were still with us today
He would have to agree with me
it was a pretty good gag
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry

You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
Your hair's a mess
and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call
you drive me up the wall
Honey
just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If only one little thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
What are you, in kindergarten
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin'up the air
Then you use
my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now
give me a break now
You even snore
when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends
we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name
It's like
I'm listenin' to a squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you ask me what I'm thinkin
honey, usually I'm thinking
how I'd really like to tie
your head completely up in duct tape
so I wouldn't have to listen to
you asking me those stupid questions
over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise
you make when you laugh
gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you came along I never dated anyone
this low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow
your butt's made of Jell-O
You wake up in a puddle
droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggravatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well
now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

Mom and dad are goin' out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decide
it might be fun to harrassomeone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell 'em
they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out
where you were callin' 'em from
They'd come and bust your head
right in with a ratchet
Listen to me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny
drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast

Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time
he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know
who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up
at three in the morning
Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin'
when they're tracin' his line
One day the phone
police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank
that phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on
Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Uh, yeah, hello, is Mike there?
Last name Rotch.
Hold on, I'll check Mike Rotch? Mike Rotch?
Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke!
One of these days I'm gonna catch you,
and I'm gonna carve my name
on your back with an ice pick!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
You went through the New York City
phone book and prank-called 'em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
Don't go makin' phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit
numbers you're used to

Since you've been gone
Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well, I'm feelin' like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know, I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red-hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here

My whole family
Loves Three's Company
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what to see
Got my TV Guide with me
MASH and All In The Family
The Munsters and Mayberry R.F.D.
I will always be busy
Watching my TV
Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
Wheel and Jeopardy
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I'm in such ecstasy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee
Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & amp Kathie Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV

Love The Partridge Family
And Dynasty
And Laverne & Shirley
And Hard Copy
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated

Soy un perdidor I'm a loser, baby
So why don't you kill me? Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? Hey!
I am I am I am I said I wanna get next to you
I said I'm gonna get close to you
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too
Hurt you, too I know what's on my mind
I know you like what's on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know you know, you know
Here I come I come I come I come
Here I come I come I come
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

Help me--I broke apart my insides
Help me--I've got no soul to sell
Help me--The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna [doink] you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna [clong] you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Hey! Hey! Hey!
You bang bang bang bang bang
Blame blame blame
You bang bang bang bang bang
It's not my thing so let it go
'Cause the love that you gave
That we made Wasn't able to make it
Enough for you to be open wide No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died?
'Til you died Well, you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You-ou-ou-ou-ou oughta know
Hey!
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
And someone will say What is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

I love all of you Hurt by the cold So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
Black Hole Sun Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun Won't you come, won't you come
Black Hole Sun Black Hole Sun
Won't you come Black Hole Sun
Black Hole Sun Won't you come
Black Hole Sun Black Hole Sun

Do you have the time To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up
And am I just paranoid Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned?

Down in the workshop
all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls
and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in,
nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands
and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots
he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk
disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said
with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all...
now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' the wrong deal
Something finally must have
snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone
now he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find
pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers
and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph
into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer
with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrowe
r and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said,
"It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly
walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin',
the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know,
oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend,
now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good
behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy,
and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs
working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus,
she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' '
bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like
he was tired of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' the wrong deal
Something finally must have
snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally
must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally
must have snapped... in his brain