Adam Sandler

Speaking through a microphone]
"Good morning students and faculty, If I could have your attention
please. As you may, or may not know, Principal Cambell will not be here
for the rest of the week due to a throat infection. Leaving me,
assistant principal Dunbar, as the school's lone administrator for the
next few days."

"Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the
same, there will be some additional regulations you must also follow."

"Number one - smoking outside the administration building will only be
allowed during lunch periods."

"Number two - the girls' showering facilities will be moved from the
locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their
breasts and buttocks while I play with myself."

"Number three - while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to
snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia. Eye contact with me is
also prohibited."

"Number four - girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build
towards orgasm."

"Number five - while I am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must
undress each other spread eagle in front of me and satify each other
orally until I have completed ejaculating."

"Finally, rule number six - any student caught writing grafitti or
defacing school property will be automatically suspended, unless they
are masturbating."

"If you have any questions about these new regulations, I will be in my
office spanking it with a thumb up my ass."

"Good day

Put your arms around me babe,
Can't you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
'Cause I'm about to begin
Lovin' you.

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.

You see that shampoo bottle?
Now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubs and punch me in the face.

Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and
Take my picture to show all the people you work with.

Now pull up my scrotum and
Take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I'm the pizza delivery guy and
Watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me slow down and do it at a medium pace.

I feel so humiliated.
I'm about to blow my load.
You tell it's time to make love but
I can't 'cuz I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I'm so sorry I spunked all over my stomach.
Maybe next time I'll be better at loving you

Moving Train]
"Next stop! Coopersville!"

[Two guys talking]
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy!"
"How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?"
"Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!"
"Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!"
"Buddy I know."
"Buddy, M&M's?"
"Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!"
"Buddy definitely"
"Hey get in on this drink Buddy!"
"Buddy, don't mind if I do"
"It's a bloody, Buddy"
"Buddy, it's killer!"
"BUDDY!"
"Sorry Buddy"
"Save me some Buddy!"
"Buddy I said I was sorry!"
"That's ok Buddy"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Dude!"
"Hey Buddy!"
"Dudes, you know this dude?"
"What's up Dude?"
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy, sit down"
"Have some bloody Buddy"
"Dude"
"Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time"
"Yeah, Bud Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Cold ones Dude"
"Buddy, killer!"
[Drinking]
"I'm buzzing Buddy!"
"Dude, I know!"
[Female walking by]
"Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!"
"I want some of that Buddy"
"Oh Buddy, save some for me"
"Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend"
"Oh, sorry Buddy"
"Just watch it Dude!"
"Hey lay off him Buddy"
"Dude, don't get him started"
"I said I was sorry Buddy"
"Dude, let's just drop it"
"Buddy?"
"It's cool Dude"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Homey's"
"What's up Homeys?"
"Hey Buddy"
"What's up Dude?"
"Just chillin' Homey"
"Cool Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Buddy"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Buddy"
"Dude, check it out, a prison"
"Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there"
"I know Dude, that would suck"
"Homey, my brother is in there"
"Oh Buddy"
"Sorry about that Dude"
"Bummer Buddy"
"Bad timing Homey"
"I know Buddy"
"Sorry Dude"
"Not your fault Homey"
"I know, but Buddy"
"No, it's cool Homey"

"Dude, there's another train on this track"
[Sound of another train]
"Uh Buddy, it's coming at us"
[Train horn sounding]
"Dude!"


"Homey!"
"Buddy!"
"Buddy!"
"Homey!"
"DUDE!"

[Trains crashing]
"Dude?"
"Buddy, my head"
"Homey, get off me"
"Buddy, I can't see"
"What just happened to us Dude?"
"Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!"

[Talking quietly]
M1: "Ms. Murphy is such a pain, man."
M2: "We just had a test a week ago. Now we gotta take another one tommorrow. This sucks!"
M1: "And it counts for 80 percent of our grade."
M2: "Well we better study our butts off."
M1: "Well we came to the right place, the ever so quiet library."
M2: "Ok, enough talking, let's study!"
M1: "All right."
[Turning pages]

[Heavy steps]
M2: "Uh oh"
M1: "Oh no! Fatty McGee is coming. We'll never get any studying done with him in the library."
[Heavy steps continue]
M2: "Oh god, he's taking the stairs! That means he's going to be way out of breath!"

[Fatty whining, try to catch breath]
M1: "Oh no, he's going to sit with us."
Fatty: [Annoying whining voice] "Hey fellas, studying for the big test?"
M1: "Uh, yes Fatty, we were."
Fatty: [Still trying to catch breath] "Great! I'll join ya."
[Fatty pulls out chair and falls into it, still whining horribly]
M2: "Hey Fatty, why don't you go to the bathroom 'till you catch your breath?"
Fatty: "No, no, I'm catching it!"
[Fatty continuing to whine and snort]
M1: "Ok, ok Fatty, but try to keep the wheezing level down, we're trying to concentrate."
Fatty: [Continuing to wheeze and whine louder] "Sure, no problem."
M1: "Oh man."
Fatty: [Still snorting and whining loudly] "This test counts for eighty percent of our grade, you know."
[Whining continues even louder]
M1: "Yes Fatty, we know, we just said that."
[Wheezing continues a little softer]
M2: "Fatty! Please keep it down!"

[Fatty makes snoring/whining sounds]

M2: "Is he sleeping!?"
M1: "No, it's his deviated sceptum. Seriously Fatty, keep the breathing down." [Snoring stops, more weird noise starts]
M2: "Ahh geez Fatty, what's wrong with you!?"
Fatty: [Pausing, snorting] "I'm trying."
[Whining continues]
M1: "Fatty, you know what's going to happen! Stop breathing so heavy! Please we gotta study!"
[Whining gets higher and higher until it's continuous]
M2: "Oh no, that one's going to do it!"

[Fire alarm sounding, fire trucks honking their horns, sirens reeling]
M2: "Fatty, the fire department thinks the fire alarm went off again!"
Fatty: [Continuing his LOUD annoying whine] "I'm sorry!"
Fireman Ray: "Fire! Man the building!"
M1: "Sorry Fireman Ray, it's not the fire alarm."
Fireman Ray: "Fatty McGee, is that you again!?"
Fatty: [Stillin whining annoyingly] "Yes." [Snort] "Sorry." [Snort]
Fireman Ray: "Didn't we tell you not to take the stairs anymore!?"
Fatty: [Whiney voice] "But I like the stairs!"
Fireman Ray: [annoyed] "Why!?"
Fatty: [Still whining horribly] "They're fun!"
Fireman Ray: "Oh Fatty McGee, you're the fattest!"
[Everyone laughing at stupid joke]
[Raspberry]

Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom

Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah

Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious

[Sound of crickets. Guy walks across grass]
[Joe:] "Hey pal! How ya doin?"
[M2:] "I'm so wasted, man."
[Joe:] "Yeah, you are, oh ho ho!"
[M2:] "Thanks man."
[Joe:] "It's good party, huh?"
[M2:] "Oh, it's great man."
[Joe:] "Hey that's some good acid, huh?"
[M2:] "Oh, killer man."
[Joe:] "Hey, my pleasure."
[M2:] "I've never been higher."
[Joe:] "Oh ho, you must be freaking out."
[M2:] "Acid's great man."
[Joe:] "It's the best."
[M2:] "Everytime I do acid man, I'm so high."
[Joe:] "Yeah, oh, you must be flipping out right now."
[M2:] "This is the best acid, man."
[Joe:] "What are you seein, man?"
[M2:] "Oh, I, that cloud up there, man."
[Joe:] "Whoa"
[M2:] "It's got a vein in it."
[Joe:] "Oh-Holy Cow! Really!?"
[M2:] "And it's bleeding on me, man."
[Joe:] "It's bleeding on ya? Well watch out!"
[M2:] "Look at my hand, man."
[Joe:] "Yeah?"
[M2:] "It-It's moving, but it's not moving."
[Joe:] "It's not?"
[M2:] "It's still there, but it looks like it's moving."
[Joe:] "Hey, yeah to you it is."
[M2:] "I'm so high."
[Joe:] "Yeah, you must be flipping out."
[M2:] "I'm flipping out off it."
[Joe:] "Hallucinations, man."
[M2:] "Acid..right."
[Joe:] "Hey, I got some news fer ya."
[M2:] "I'm seeing stuff, man."
[Joe:] "Yeah, yer seeing stuff."
[M2:] "RIght."
[Joe:] "Well, that's what happens when you take acid, but you know what?"
[M2:] "What man?"
[Joe:] "Uhhh, that really wasn't acid.
That was just a little piece of paper I ripped off of my notebook."
[Silence]

[M2:] "Wha? It's probly this weed I'm smokin', man."
[Joe:] "Oh, that weed."
[M2:] "That Thai bud, man."
[Jo

This is a song...
"This is uhh, This is a new song..."
"It's through the eyes of one of the greatest people alive, I feel..."
"The Lunchlady"
[Laughing]

Woke up in the morning
Put on my new plastic glove
Served some reheated salisbury steak
With a little slice of love
Got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of
Just know everything's doing fine
Down here in Lunchlady Land

Well I wear this net on my head
'Cause my red hair is fallin' out
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
'Cause I got a bad case of the gout
I know you want seconds on the corndogs
But there's no reason to shout
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in Lunchlady Land

Well yesterday's meatloaf is today's sloppy joes
And my breath reeks of tuna
And there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose
In Lunchlady Land your dreams come true
Clouds made of carrots and peas
Mountains built of shepherds pie
And rivers made of macaroni and cheese
But don't forget to return your trays
And try to ignore my gum disease
No student can escape the magic of Lunchlady Land

Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans, navy beans
Hoagies & grinders, hoagies & grinders
Navy beans, navy beans
Meatloaf sandwich
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe

Well I dreamt one morning
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-looking at me
It screamed, why do you burn me
And serve me up cold
I said I got the spatula
Just do what you're told
Then the liver & onions
Started joining the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all its might
And the chop suey slapped me
And it kicked me in the head
It's called revenge Lunchlady
Said the garlic bread
I said what did I do
To make you all so mad
They said you got flabby arms
And your breath is bad
Then the green beans said
You better run and hide
But then my friend sloppy joe came
And joined my side
He said if it wasn't for the Lunchlady
The kids wouldn't eatcha
You should be shakin' her hand
And sayin' please to meet ya
She gives you a purpose
And she gives you a goal
You should be kissin' her feet
And kissin' her mole
Now all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home

Thanks to
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe
sloppy joe, slop, sloppy joe

[Spoken]
Well me & sloppy joe got married
We got six kids and we're doing' just fine
Down in Lunchlady Land

[Phone Rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
Student: [Whispering] ";Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?"; [Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: ";Whut!?";
Student: [Whispering] ";You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!"; [Chuckling]
Mr Spindel: ";Hey! Who is this!";
[Student Hangs up phone]

[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Who is this!?";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Answer me!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Who is this!?";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";For God's sake! Who are you!?";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Dial tone]

[Operator recording playing ";If you'd like to make a call...";]
Mr Spindel: ";Who is that!?";
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: ";Who are you!?";
[Recording continues]
Mr Spindel: ";Please answer me!";
[Silence]

[Bleeping noise]
Mr Spindel: ";Oh God! Who is this!?";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";WHY!? WHY!?";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";Just tell me your name.";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";Please.";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";I'm gonna hang up!";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";I'm warning you!";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";Hullo!";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!";
[Bleeping]
Mr Spindel: ";That's it!";
[Bleeping]
Mr Sp

When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk

You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

Silverware clicking]
M1: "Can you pass the beats please?"
F1: "Here you go"
M1: "Thanks"
Brad: "Hey Mom, guess what? I got invited to a party tonight! And I'm
gonna go if that's ok with you."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why not Mom?"
F1: "Yeah, why mom? He should go."
Brad: "It's gonna be fun. I'll get to meet new people..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Brad: "Oh mom..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F1: "Don't wory Brad."

F2: "Hey mom, I saw this great skirt at the mall today, but it was $34,
which isn't that high of a price, but I was nervous to buy it. What do
you think?
Mom: "NOOO!!"
F2: "Really? I really like it..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Oh mom, who is?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
F2: "Mom, you're so paranoid."
Mom: "NOOO!!"

M3: "Hey mom, I gotta get up pretty early tommorrow for Little League
try-outs."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
M3: "Yeah, I have to be at the field at 9 o'clock..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Do you think you could drop me off there?..."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "How am I gonna get there?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "I'll walk I guess."
Mom: "NOOO!!"

Cindy: "Mom, can you pass the salad dressing?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Please?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, mom."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "I'll get it for you Cindy."
Cindy: "Thanks Brad."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Cindy: "Thanks for the tip, Ma."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Brad: "Hey everyone, let's just go out for ice cream."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Brad: "Why are we eating inside? It's a beautiful night. We need to get
out more."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Mother, Brad is right."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "We should go out, it'll be fun."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "Come on, let's go, I could go for some Maple Walnut."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
M3: "Yeah, we haven't gone out together in a long time."
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Cindy: "You wanna come Dave?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "No, I'll hang out with mom."
M1: "You sure?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Yeah, go without me."
M3: "All right, see you guys later."
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

Dave: "How are you, mom? Great meal tonight. Sure is... You sure know
how to cook! Boy, oh boy, you're quite a lady. Say mom, uhm, can I go
canoeing next weekend with my friend Barry?"
Mom: "NOOO!!"
Dave: "Please?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom, you're over reacting!"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Why are you so overprotective!?"
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
Dave: "Mom! I'm going to the ice cream place! You're just so set in your
ways it drives me crazy!"
[Bangs on the table, gets up]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at you!"
[Screen door closes]
Mom: "They're all gonna laugh at him

Russel: [Shouting] "Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby! We're
behind you here in right field! One down! Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah!
Show 'em the magic! This chump can't hit!"
[Whispering to himself] "Please God, don't help him hit it to me.
Anywhere but to right field. Please God, I beg you."
[Shouting] "Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big
whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me."
[Shouting] "Steam it baby! Steam it!"
[Whispering] "Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no."
[Ball is hit]

Russel: [Shouting] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
[Whispering] "Oh good! It's not to me."
[Shouting] "Good catch, Steven! Nice glove! You da man! Two away now!
Lookin' good! We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert! This
lump of crap can't hit!"
[Whiserping] "Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie! Total power to hit
it. He's gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop
him."
[Shouting] "Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless. Please
God, take his life. Make him die."
[Shouting] "No batter! No batter!"
[Ball is hit]

Russel: [Whispering] "Oh God. This is not happening. No, don't do this
to me. Please. Make it stop."
[Ball hits Russel]
Russel: "OWWWW! My elbow!"
M1: "Throw it to second! Pick it up already!"
Russel: "Take it! Just take the ball!"
[Russel tosses the ball]
M2: "Nice throw, you pansy!"
Russel: [Whispering] "Ok, get under control. Easy now, easy. Say
something to the team."
[Shouting] "Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!"
[Whispering] "That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?"
[Shouting] "Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight! You get
it across the plate! We'll take care of the rest!"
[Whispering] "Oh no, another lefty."
[Ball is hit]

Russel: [Shouting] "NOO! Why me again!?"
[Ball hits Russel]
Russel: "OWWWW! My neck!"
[Panting & Whining] "I can't breath. I can't breath."
M2: "Pick it up and throw it, you moron!"
Russel: [Whining] "Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!"
[Russel kicks ball]
M1: "Way to kick it in, Pele!"
Russel: [Shouting] "Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe.. Ok! Come on!
Suck it up guys! We'll get those runs back! This is where we dig down!
We just need one more out!"
[Whispering] "Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much.
I owe you."
[Shouting] "This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we
take them out!"
[Whispering] "Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What?
Who's this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!"
[Shouting] "Why's he pointing at me!?"
[Ball is hit]

Russel: [Shouting] "Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!"
M3: "I got it! I got it!"
[Running over to the ball near Russel]
[Thud! Crashes into Russel]
M3: "Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?"
Russel: [Shouting] "HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a
little ass!"
M3: "All right, Russel. I think you're up first."
Russel: "NOOOOO

Richie: "So ya doin' good?"
Samantha: "Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?"
Richie: "How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours."
Samantha: "Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall, and he
doesn't want me on the
phone. So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming."
Richie: "Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance
thi..."
[She hangs up phone]

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello?"
Samantha: "Sorry, I thought he was coming."
Richie: "That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
Samantha: "Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights."
Richie: "Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..."
[She hangs up phone]
Richie: "Come on.."

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hey."
Samantha: "Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom."
Richie: "That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying? Oh yeah, should I
pick you up at like
seven-thirty or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really
kickin.."
[She hangs up the phone again]
Richie: "Give me a break..."

[Phone rings]
Richie: "Hello."
Samantha: "Sorry. It was just my dog."
Richie: "Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?"
Samantha: "He just thinks I'm on the phone too much. Oh my God, uh, I
gotta go."
Richie: "Don't hang up!"
Samantha: "Richie, I can't talk!"
Richie: "No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk
to him."
Samantha: "It's not my dad."
Richie: "What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?"
Samantha: "Uh, just look Richie, someone is here."
Richie: "Who's there? Is it a guy!?"
Samantha: "Richie!"
Richie: "I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!"
Samantha: "oh.. it's just.. hold on."

[Hands phone to guy]
Richie: "Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my
girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never
born!"
Buffoon: "Fuckin' shit!"
Richie: "Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy! Don't think I'm kidding
around, man! I'm crazy! I'll
smash your head in! I swear to God!"
Buffoon: "One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts
above her belly
button."
Richie: "Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there
and beat your face in!"
[Richie slams down phone]

Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?"
Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!"
Samantha: "Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest." [Whispering] "I love you.

And now, the sever beating of a high school bus driver.

[Kids getting on the bus]
"How are ya, Bryan?"
"Good morning, Lisa."
"Good to see ya, Tommy!"
"Hey, good morning, Cyle! Nice new backpack!"
"Watch your step now, Joseph."

"Uhh, young man. Can I help you? Can I see your bus pass, please?"
[Beating sounds]
"Sir, please!"
[Beating sounds]
"I drive with that hand!"
[Beating sounds]
"Children! Call for help!"
[Beating sounds]
"Holy geez, no!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's me! Oh yes, oh!"
[Beating sounds]
[Final crack, horn sounding]

[Mopping sounds]
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song

[Sound of someone walking towards him]
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine

"Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!"
[Person walking quickly towards him]
[Beating sounds]
"Hey!"
[Beating sounds]
"Get offa me!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's my bucket!"
[Beating sounds]
"Let go of my side burns!"
[Beating sounds]
[Sound of falling down into glass]

And now the severe beating of a high school science teacher."

[Lecturing]
"Zinc is by far the best element."
"I also like plutonium."
"It's just fun to say."
"Plutonium."
[Sound of someonee walking towards him]
"How's your plutonium?"
"Good, thank you."

"Excuse me!"
"Hello! The office is closed. So, if you wouldn't mind,.. Sir, what are
you doing?"
"Hey! Get off of me!"
[Beating sounds]
"You're breaking the beakers!"
[Beating sounds]
"Those are my best goggles!"
[Beating sounds

And now the severe beating of a high school spanish teacher.

[Lecturing]
[Writing on chalk board]
"Juan es muy guapo."
[Door opens, walking towards her]

"Hola."
"Senor?"
"Hay problema?"
"Mi casa es su casa."
[Scream]
[Beating sounds]
"Ayuda! Ayudame!"
[Beating sounds]
"Ayudame!"
[Beating sounds]
"Bibliotecha!"
[Beating sounds]
"No!"
[Beating sounds]
[Beating sounds]
[Falls to the floor]

And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a
prestigious college."

Dean: "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations
on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in
matriculating here in the fall."

Buffoon: "I got a snake, man!"

Dean: "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus. Be it the traditional dog,
or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

Buffoon: "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way
and that! It was all fucked up!"

Dean: "I'm sure it was. Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among
both students and pets here on campus."

Buffoon: "Fuckin' Shit!"

Dean: "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So tell me a
little bit more about your background."

Buffoon: "My father's a fucking asshole, man!"

Dean: "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age
son."

Buffoon: "My mother's a piece of shit too!"

Dean: "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the
summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to
learn."

Buffoon: "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! She had her
head way up her ass!"

Dean: "Well the quality of the faculty at a University such as ours far
exceeds that of a local public high school."

Buffoon: "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"

Dean: "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

Buffoon: "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!"

Dean: "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a
pleasurable experience. So have you given any thought to your choice of
major?"

Buffoon: "I've got a big fucking boner right now."

Dean: "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods of
nervous tension. I do not take offense."

Buffoon: "One time I ate my neighbors shit!"

Dean: "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you. We'll be
sending you our decision by the end of the month."

Buffoon: "I bet you got really hairy balls."

Dean: "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye

And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's
valedictorian."

Valedictorian: "I really appreciate you're asking me out. Most people
are intimidated by my high academic achievement."

Buffoon: "This movie sucks shit!"

Valedictorian: "Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up, but Ciscel thought it was
too preachy. Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly."

Buffoon: "Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!"

Valedictorian: "Yes, well, she recently had a child. I think her
maternal biology may play a role in that. She looks fabulous for a woman
her age, doesn't she?"

Buffoon: "I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin'
head off."

Valedictorian: "Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon
for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their
maturing process."

Buffoon: "That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives
everybody head."

Valedictorian: "Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels
promiscuity is the only way to obtain it."

[Buffoon eating popcorn]
Buffoon: "This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed
all over it."
[Buffoon continues to eat popcorn]

Valedictorian: "Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly
disturbing. Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome by
the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank."

Buffoon: "I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin'
mind!"

Valedictorian: "It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd and
unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.

Buffoon: "My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!"

Valedictorian: "It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more
overpowering than another's. I wonder whether it is a function of the
food digested or that person's internal metabolism."

Buffoon: "I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl."
[Gets out of the car]

Valedictorian: "Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt
conclusion."
[Buffoon walking away]
"I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future
rondevue."

Buffoon: "I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!"

Valedictorian: "Bye bye! Have fun."
[Buffoon continues to walk away

Sound of pom-poms]
Cheerleader: [With annoying feminine voice] "Ok you guys, let's hear
some spirit!"
[Performing cheer]
Cheerleader: "United, we are united.. We'll be 'cause we're the Tigers,
we're out for vic-tor-y
- Yeah!"
[No response]
Cheerleader: "Come on you guys! I wanna hear you!"
[Still no response]
Cheerleader: "Come on! The girls volleyball team's got a big game
tonight! And we're gonna win 'cause we're the -"
Guy in crowd: "Sit down!"
Cheerleader: "You guys are assholes!" [Whining] "You think this is easy
being a cheerleader!? Let's see you come down here and try it!"
Guy: "Shut up!"
Cheerleader: "You're the one who should be shutting up! This is my
senior year of cheerleading and you're ruining it! I paid for my
pom-poms with my own money." [Half-crying]
Guy: "You suck!"
Cheerleader: [Hurt] "I was gonna do a split for you guys, but now I'm
not gonna cuz you
guys don't appreciate anything."
[Something hurled and hit Cheerleader]
Cheerleader: "Owwww! Who threw that!? I'm gonna get a bruise now! I hate
my school!"
[Whining]
[Crowd cheering softly in background]
Guy: "We're sorry."
[Pause]
Guy: "Just kidding, you suck!"
Cheerleader: [Half-crying] "Ahhaw..No.

Line of people talking]
"Hey man, let me in there first"
-"Go ahead man, take it easy"
"Thanks, I really gotta pee"

[Open door, close door]
[Unzip pants]
[Start pissin..........groaning....]
"Oh man"
[.....]
"Ohhh yeah"
[.....]
"Ahhhh"
[......Stop Briefly]
"Ahh"

[Start Pissing again..]
"Oh man"
[........]
"Oh man"
[...............]
"Oh Man"
[.......gets louder]
"OH MAN"
[..........and louder]
"OH MAN!!"
[............as loud as a hose]
"OH MAN!!! OH.."
[...........]
"Oh no!"
[........]
"Oh Man!"
[...............slows down]
"ahhh"
[Stops]
"Ahhhhhh...There ya go"

[Fart! Starts pissing loudly again]
"Oh! OH MAN!"
[..............]
"OH MY GOD!"

[Banging on the Door]
[Pissing slows down to dribble]
"I'll be out in a minute!"
[....dribbling...]
"oh..oh my"
[Stops]
"oh...Oh thank God"

[Zips up pants]
[Pisses in pants]
"Awwww MAN!"

[People laughing]
-"Hey man, you pissed in your pants"
"I know"
-"So did I"
"I guess that makes us piss pals"
[Horrible annoying laughter]
[Rasberry

They wanna hear the thanksgiving song! All right..
"This is uhh, This is the Thanksgiving Song"
"I hope you enjoy it."

[Starts playing]
Love to eat turkey
Love to eat turkey

Shout from Crowd: "I love you Adam!"
Adam Sandler: "Ohhh, I love you!"
Love to eat turkey
'Cause it's good
Love to eat turkey
Like a good boy should
'Cause it's turkey to eat
So good

Adam Sandler: "That clappin's messing my head up man. I appreciate it. But I was trying to think of the next line and all I hear
is clapping. Here we go... Thanks anyways"

Turkey for me
Turkey for you
Let's eat the turkey
In my big brown shoe
Love to eat the turkey
At the table
I once saw a movie
With Betty Grable
Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night
Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite
That's right
Turkey with gravy and cranberry
Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry
Turkey for you and
Turkey for me
Can't believe Tyson
Gave that girl V.D.

White meat, dark meat
You just can't lose
I fell off my moped
And I got a bruise
Turkey in the oven
And the buns in the toaster
I'll never take down
My Cheryl Tiegs poster
Wrap the turkey up
In aluminum foil
My brother likes to masturbate
With baby oil
Turkey and sweet potato pie
Sammy Davis Jr.
Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and
Turkey for the boys
My favorite kind of pants
Are corduroys
Gobble gobble goo and
Gobble gobble gickel
I wish turkey
Only cost a nickel
Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Car approaches]
Toll Booth Willie: "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
M1: "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
M1: "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch! I'll come right
outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!"

[Another car approaches]
M2: "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
M2: "Oh, great, great. How much?"
Toll Booth Willie: "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
M2: "That's fine. Now should I give you the money, or should I shove the
quarters directly up your fat ass!?"

[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' hard on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk
yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger! Whadya think of
that ass fuck!?"

[Another car approaches]
F1: "Hi Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
F1: "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear your the
best with directions."
Toll Booth Willie: "Well I know my way around New England. I can tell ya
that much. So where ya headed?"
F1: "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive
up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me, I'd appreciate it, you fuckin'
prick."
[Drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you! You forgot to pay the
fuckin' toll you dirty whore! I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the
fuckin' skull you cum guzzling queen!"

[Another car approaches]
M3: "Hey Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, how are ya?"
M3: "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Dah, you fuckin' prick! I hope you choke on a
fuckin' bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck! Eat shit! Eat my shit!"

[Another car approaches]
Bishop Nelson: "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya. That was quite
a sermon you had the other day."
Bishop Nelson: "Hey, well I do my best."
Toll Booth Willie: "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
Bishop Nelson: "Dollar twenty-five, Willie. Isn't that the same price
your mother charges for a blow job, you piece of dog shit!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush! It's not
my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!"

[Another car approaches]
M5: "Hey!"
Toll Booth Willie: "Well hey!"
M5: "Yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters
directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Well, I already heard that one you fuckin'
unoriginal bastard! Go suck a
corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!"

[Another car approaches]
F2: "Hi."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
F2: "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
Toll Booth Willie: "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
F2: "Here ya go."
[Pays toll]
F2: "Thank you."
[Begins to drive off]
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with
that?"
F2: "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
[Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her]
Toll Booth Willie: "And here ya are."
F2: "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, uh.. sign it?"
F2: "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
[Signing receipt]
F2: "Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest
fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive. You understand."
[Drives off]
[Crumples up paper]
Toll Booth Willie: "Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch! I'll fuckin' fuck
you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fuckin'
mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!" [Opens
the door and runs out of the booth]

[Car screeches and hits him]
Toll Booth Willie: "Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!"
M6: "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
M7: "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over
a dried up stinky dick licker."
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' pricks. I fuckin' hear every fuckin'
word yer saying!
When this fuckin' leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new fuckin'
assholes!

[Everyone cussing eachother out

(Adam:) You don't mind that I think everybody's a robot and all my conversations are being recorded
(Lisa:) And you don't mind that all of my pants are way too short on me
and I also stabbed someone with a pair of scissors a long time ago (ha-ha-ha)
(Adam:) And you don't care that I collect dead animals from the side
of the road then pretend they're alive and think I'm a famous football player
(Lisa:) And you don't have a problem with me
when I follow people I've never met before and force them to look
at the portrait of Neil Diamond I have tattooed on my back
(Adam:) It's very pretty, baby
(Both:)
Well you must have been sent from above
You're all that I can think of
You're just as psychotic as me
My crazy love
(Adam:) Well it never bothers you when I wear my snowsuit
to bed every night and I make you speak in tongues to me until I fall asleep
(Lisa:) Blah bloo blah bloo bloo
(Adam:) Thank you
(Lisa:) And you don't make fun of me 'cause I still make out
with my stepfather and I also tell everyone I was on a UFO
for two and a half years
(Adam:) I believe you sugarpie
(Both:)
'Cause our love is right on track
I'm yours, your mine it's a fact
Don't forget to take your Prozac
My crazy love
(Adam:) Well yesterday I tickled a man who wasn't even there
(Lisa:) Oh three days before that I ran down the street in my
Wonder Woman underwear
(Adam:) I didn't care Babe I know I never had a job 'cause I'm afraid
to talk to people 'cause I know that they're all robots who are seeking information
(Lisa:) They can't fool you sweetheart
And I know that you know that I'm the one who burned my cousin
Chester's house to the ground but you told the cops we were out
ballroom dancing when the came and questioned you
(Adam:) I ain't no fink, dollface
(Both:)
'Cause we know that it's true
Only I could love you
We both eat with our hands
My crazy love
(Lisa:) My crazy, crazy love
(spoken to end)
(Adam:) Oh I wish everybody was dead except for you, baby
(Lisa:) I feel the same way Would you throw some macaroni on me?
(Adam:) Oh yeah, here you go
(splurt)

Jabawokee ding dong
Slip slap slee
Dipstick paddywhack
Pee pee googalee gee
Polly wolly sling slang
Skooey dibbily doo
Wing wong ping pong King Kong Cheech 'n Chong
Hop hip kagagoogoo

Hickory dickory slickory flip flap
Dip stick to my Lou
Flim flam wham blam Sam bam Cunningham
Whack snack koochie koochie koo
Plus you gotta dip, you gotta doodle
You gotta eat Grandma's stroodle
'Cause she stayed up all night to make it from scratch
You gotta gish, you gotta gash
You gotta wax Grandma's mustache
And lay out socks
To make sure they match
Whoa, you gotta help out your Grandma

Slappety dappety sling skism skasm
Bing bang boo
A yip, a yap, a snippety snap
Walla, walla scrappy dappy doo
Piddle paddle fiddle faddle widdle waddle
Awhee clunkety clang
A plop, a fizz, a whackety whiz
Chitty chitty bang wang lang
Zippity doo dang lipidee ay
Oompa loompa doo
A piggly wiggly dooda
Stinky winky linky foo man choo
Plus you gotta dip, you gatta doodle
You gotta shave Grandma's poodle
'Cause Grandma would do the same for you

You gotta libby, you gotta labby
You gotta hug Grandma, even though she's flabby
'Cause you should know Grandma's are people too
Whoa, you gotta love your Grandma

Now if you listened to the words of this song
You know they're comming straight from the heart
Never make fun of your Grandma
Even when he rips a juicy fart

And rember to dip you gotta doodle
You gotta stop playing with your noodle
'Cause Grandma said it would make you go blind
You gotta girpper, you gotta griper
You gotta change Grandma's diaper
And then pretend you really didn't mind
Whoa, respect to the Grandma

Performed by Adam Sandler, Frank, Judd, Jon, Katie, and Brooks Arthur


J.N.: "I can make a bigger splash than you!"
Jimmy: "Oh yeah, give it a shot."

[While jumping up and down on diving board]
J.N.: "Can opener!"
[Big splash]
Jimmy: "Man, that one was huge."
J.N.: "You go."

[While running towards pool]
Jimmy: "Ahhhh, jacknife!"

[Jumps in and small splash]
Tracy: "That was a dud, Jimmy."
Jimmy: "Shutup, Tracy."
Tracy: "You shutup."

[Door opens, walks over]
Momma: "Lunch time kids."

[Kids yelling happily]
Momma:"I made some jelly sandwiches and sliced up some cantelope. I figured you could eat a little food and and then maybe play with yer cock and balls fer a while."
J.N.: "I'm just gonna eat, mom."
Momma: "All right. And then maybe a little later, you can play with yer cock and balls fer momma."
J.N.: "I don't think so."
Momma: "Ok. Slow down Jimmy, yer already halfway done with yer sandwhich. You're gonna get a belly ache."
Jimmy: "No I'm not. I'm hungry."
Momma:"I know, but you shouldn't so fast. You're rushing honey, you're gonna choke. Put down your sandwhich and beat off your cock and balls for a little bit. Pace yourself."
Jimmy: "Oh god."

Momma: "Tracy, do you want some fruit or a sandwhich?"
Tracy: "No mom, I'm trying to lose weight. Guy said I'm getting fat."
Momma: "What? You look beautiful honey. He's crazy."
Tracy:"Guy said last summer I looked better in a bathing suit, so I'm gonna try to lose like three or four pounds."
Momma:"Awww, sweetheart. You've got so much to learn. Guy doesn't want you to lose weight, baby. It's just his way of telling you he wants you to smack around his cock and balls some more, honey. He's got some balls and some cock. You gotta stroke his schlong or at least bite his nuts."
Tracy: "Mom!"
Momma:"You're scared, aren't ya honey. You want momma to help you? Momma will stroke Guy's penis for him. No one has to know. I'll sneak in when it's dark."
Tracy: "No! Mom, please!"
Momma:"You don't know how to tug on the cock and balls? You need momma to show you? Get me a carrot, sweetheart. Where are you going!?"

J.N.: "Mom, where's the suntan lotion?"
Momma: "It's under the chair baby. You gonna lube up yer cock and balls and wack it for a little bit?"
J.N.: "Uhh, no. I'm just going to put some on my face so I don't get sunburnt."
Momma:"Smart thinking honey. And while yer at it you can put some on your brother's ding dong and knock around his nuts for him."
Jimmy: "Mom!"
Momma:"What Jimmy. Why don't you let your brother wack your cock and nuts for a little bit. You're not playing with them right now so why not let him. Share, baby!"
Jimmy: "You're weird mom! I'm going swimming!"
Momma: "Oh, you shouldn't swim for a half an hour. I read that."
Jimmy: "Why?"
Momma:"Because you just ate, honey. And you'll get cramps. Why don't you just lay on the side of the pool and jiggle your balls for momma."
Jimmy: "It's ok. I'll stay in the shallow end."
Momma: "Ok, baby. But don't hurt yourself with that big juicy hog of yours."

Jimmy: "Hey, J.N. Throw me that frisby."
J.N.: "Here! Whoops!"

[Sails over and falls to the ground]
Jimmy: "Nice throw. Right over the fence and into the Chasen's yard."
Momma:"Don't get all huffy puffy. I'll get it. Momma will make everything all right. J.N. you watch Jimmy and make sure he's safe in that water."
J.N.: "Ok, ma."
Momma: "And if you want you can beat your cock and balls. Hi Mr. Chasen!"
Mr. Chasen: "Oh, hi Emily. How are you?"
Momma: "Oh, the boys threw the frisbee over the fence again. And there it is under the bush."
Mr. Chasen: "I'll get it for you."
Momma:"Sorry. Thank you. And while your under that bush, why don't you jack around your cock and balls for yourself. You can stare at my jugs and play with that healthy wang of yours."
Mr. Chasen: "No, I'll just.. I'll just get your frisbee."
Momma: "All right baby."
Mr. Chasen: "Here you go."
Momma: "Thank you. Thanks. Thank Mr. Chasen, boys!"
Boys: "Thanks Mr. Chasen!"
Mr. Chasen: "You're welcome fellas."
Momma:"Have a good day. Oh, and..and tell your son Tommy, if he wants to come over later and play with his cock and balls with the kids he's always welcome. I don't know what happened with him and the boys, but they don't seem to be friendly anymore."
Mr. Chasen: "I'll do that Emily."
Momma: "All right. He's got a big one. You know that."

Momma: "Tracy! You're boyfriend Guy's car just pulled up."
Tracy: "Ok mom. Please don't embarass me!"
Momma: "Everything embarasses you at this age, but I'll do my best. Don't worry."
Guy: "Is it ok to come in?"
Tracy: "Come on back here guy!"
Momma: "Oh!"
Tracy: "Thanks for coming over!"
Momma: "Nice to see you Guy."
Guy: "Hi Mrs. Tucker."
Momma: "Why don't you go for a swim with the others?"
Guy: "I didn't bring a bathing suit with me."
Momma:"Oh no! You don't need a bathing suit. Just pull off your clothes and let your cock and balls feel the nice warm water."
Guy: "Uhhh, that's ok, Mrs. Tucker."
Momma: "Come on! Pull out your cock and balls. The water's heated. You'll love it."
Tracy: "Mom! Stop it! Now!"
Momma:"What are you talking about, honey!? This way his balls are out, you can stroke his ding dong in front of all of us. Come on, pull out that hog of yours. I wanna see it anyways. I wanna know what my daughter's been stroking."
Tracy: "Mom! Stop it!"
Momma:"In fact, everybody, pull out your cock and balls and rub it for momma. Play with yourself. It'll be good. Everyone. Wack away!"
J.N.: "You're sick mom! I'm leaving."
Jimmy: "I'm going to Billy's house. I can't take this anymore."

[Walking away]
Guy: "Come on, let's go."
Tracy: "You've humiliated me and Guy. We are so outta here."

Momma:"What did I do? What is the matter with you all? Come back here! You're ruining the day! It's so beautiful out. This is too much of a..."

[Picks up phone and starts dialing while car drives off]
"I can't take these kids anymore..."

[Phone rings and gets picked up]
Grandma: "Hello?"
Momma: "Momma, it's me, I'm very upset,"
Grandma: "Oh, what's the matter, baby?"
Momma: "The kids are yelling at me and they left me here all alone."
Grandma: "Did you tell them the kids to play with their cock and balls?"
Momma: "I told them to play with their cock and balls."
Grandma: "And what did they say?"
Momma: "They don't wanna play with them anymore."
Grandma: "Why don't they wanna play with them anymore?"
Momma: "I don't understand. They've got cock and balls. They should play with them."
Grandma: "Poppy always loves when I play with his cock and balls."
Momma: "You smack around daddy's cock still, why shouldn't they beat theirs?"
Grandma: "Tell them to come over to grandma's house. I'll play with their cock and balls."
Momma: "Oh momma."

Performed by Adam Sandler and Allen

Transcribed by Big Brother.

[Sounds of Basketball being shot around]
Sandler: "Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult."
Allen: "Now, that's ridiculous."
Sandler: "Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too."
Allen: "What are you talking about?"
Sandler: "Hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up."
Allen: "No, I'm not going to join a cult!"
Sandler: "I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after Monday night --"
Allen: "What?
Sandler: "-- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show -- I did that for you!"
Allen: "Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game."
Sandler: "I WANTED TO SEE THE FUCKIN' SCORE! Whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?"
Allen: "Well, I was gonna go sunbathing."
Sandler: "Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that. Because this guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --"
Allen: "-- yeah --"
Sandler: "-- he was rambling on during one of the speeches about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something -- you show up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!"
Allen: "Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!"
Sandler: "Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying -- some of it makes a lot of sense!
Allen: "Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult. We can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you."
Sandler: "The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!"
Allen: "So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out."
Sandler: "No, the weekends are like the busiest time -- that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!"
Allen: "Can I join for just a little while? I told my dad I'd go visit him in Florida in three weeks."
Sandler: "Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now."
Allen: "What's the hurry?"
Sandler: "There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?"
Allen: "Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do I?"
Sandler: "No, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go, "Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast."
Allen: "I don't know, man. This is crazy."
Sandler: "Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --"
Allen: "-- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?"
Sandler: "It's gonna be a haircut, all right? You said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair. You're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!"
Allen: "Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?"
Sandler: "Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!"
Allen: "Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man."
Sandler: "OK, that's up to you."

"Three weeks later!"

[Chanting repeatedly] "The night time is the right time! The night time is the right time!"
Sandler: "Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?"
Allen: "Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you."
Sandler: "You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?"
Allen: "You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him."
Sandler: "You're a good guy."
Allen: "You're a better one."
[Chanting resumes]

Performed by Adam Sandler, Frank, Judd, and Allen

M1: "Hey, it's great to have us all out on a road trip again this is gonna be fun"
[all agree]
M2: "Whoa, do you smell that skunk?"
All: "Yeah
M2: "You know, even though it stinks it kinda reminds me of growing up"
[all agree]
M3: "It kinda reminds me of smelling weed"
[all agree]
M1: "Hey, it reminds me of smelling a pussy"
[all agree]
M2: "It reminds me of smelling an ass"
[all agree]
M4: "It reminds me of smelling a 60 year old guys ass"
[car screeches, he drops out of the car]
M4: "Hey, screw you guys! I am who I am! Deal with it"

M1: "I'm glad we got rid of him. He was a weirdo!"
M3: "Oh my God, that was a little out there, hey check out a water slide, man, those things always remind me of my 13th birthday party, remember that"
[all agree]
M1: "Hey, it reminds me of that girl I met last year who was a lifeguard at one of those things, she was unbelievable"
[all agree]
M2: "Hey, it reminds me of that rich girl I went out with and when her dad went out of town we fooled around in his Jacuzzi"
[all agree]
M3: "It also reminds me of the time I saw a 60 year old guy slide down one of those things and he was going so fast his bathing suit fell off, and I just stood there at his big beautiful hairy balls flopping around, holy geez I wanted to lick em'"
[car screeches he drops out of it]
M3: "I hate you guys, you tricked me into sayin' that. You'd better not tell anyone!"

M2: "I always knew that guy was a little weird"
M1: "Hey, there's a pizza place it smells awesome"
M2: "It reminds me of the time I used to work in a pizza place"
M1: "It reminds me of my first date with this girl named Ginger, I took her to a pizza place"
M2: "Hey, it also reminds me of the time I ate a slice of pizza, and then went over to a 60 year old man's house and made him fuck me in the ass in front of his kids"
[car screeches, he drops out of it]
M2: "Hey don't get all high and mighty! He wanted me to do it!"

M1: "Man, they were all crazy. Hey, what's that!"
Cow: "Moo"
M1: "Oh my god! Ahhhhh!"
[car chrashes]

"Hey that last skit was written for a reason. If any of your buddies have fooled around with a 60 year old man, don't throw them out of your car, or you will die. Now enjoy the rest of the album."

Performed by Adam Sandler

Transcribed by The Brave Raven.

I'm sitting in my chair watching the TV
It's not even on but there's plenty for me to see
I just lit some crazy ass shit
that my friend overnight mailed to me

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever tasted
I think they fucking laced it
Cause I'm so damn lambasted

Oh my friend came over so I packed him a pipe
I told him he better go easy with this shit but he didn't believe the hype
He sparked three bows just to show he could take it
Two minutes later he was playing backgammon naked

He's fucking wasted
It's the best shit he ever tasted
He's lost in fucking spaced-ed
Cause he's so wicked wicked wasted

Oh I spent the last two hours
hiding under my bed
Cause I looked in the garbage can
and I think I saw my Uncle Louie's head

I'm fucking wasted

Well my friend blew a hit into my pet bird's face
The bird laughed hysterically and started to moonwalk all over the place
He tripped over the toaster wire and fell on his beak
He looked at the two of us and he started to speak

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I've ever tasted
My brain's been erased-ed
Well fucking fried

I'm sitting in the bathtub wanting something to eat
I wanted a pizza the bird said Pepperoni would be sweet
Delivery guy showed up four hours later, handed me his shoe
I said we ordered pizza buddy, what the hell's up with you

I'm fucking wasted
It's the best shit I ever fucking tasted
Oh fucking shit

I'm way too baked

Here we go!

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick!
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole!"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do?
What the fuck did I do?
What the fuck did I do,
To get stuck with you?
You're too wide for drive-thru
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets da pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(You got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
73 colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect

[Repeat Over And Over]

(Adam Sandler):
Hey how ya doin'? My name's Barry Lakin and I'm here with the man on the street
quiz. This weeks's show is a doozy man, it really is. I went around the country
with my tape recorder and I taped different people having sex. I would just sit
outside their bedroom windows without anybody knowin' and I would press record
and these people would wail away on each other man they would really go at it
and I captured it on tape. Also I went around the country and I taped people in
weight rooms workin' out man. I would just sit there with my tape recorder,
press record, and these people would have themselves a workout man and I got
that on tape. Now I'm gonna play these tapes for people on the street and see
if they know the difference between people working out and people havin' sex.
Sir, what's your name?

(Man):
Hi, how ya doin'? My name's Gregory Miner.

(Adam Sandler):
Oh terrific. My name's Barry Lakin.

(Man):
Uh huh

(Adam Sandler):
And let me tell you what I did man. I went around the country and taped people
having sex

(Man):
Uh huh

(Adam Sandler):
I also taped people workin' out in a weight room man. I'm gonna play one of the
two tapes for you right now

(Man):
Ok

(Adam Sandler):
You dig? You tell me which of the two they're doin' okay? Workin' out or havin'
sex?

(Man):
Yeah I got ya

(Adam Sandler):
Alright I'm pressing the play button...Now.

{Moans and screams}

(Adam Sandler):
What do you think?

(Man):
Well that's people having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
No they were doing a Military Press

(Man):
But..but they...

(Adam Sandler):
No you're wrong. Thank you very much for stopping by. Amazing what people will
hear. When the human ear wants to hear sex, it hears sex. Hmm. Let's move on to
someone else. Sir, what's your name?

(Man):
Uh hi my name is Ron.

(Adam Sandler):
Ron, what's your last name, quick.

(Man):
Ron Johnson.

(Adam Sandler):
Alright, that's good enough. My name's Barry Lakin.

(Man):
Nice to meet you Barry.

(Adam Sandler):
Terrific. What I'm gonna do now is play a tape for you. And you tell me if
these people are havin' sex..

(Man):
Yeah?

(Adam Sandler):
See how he says yeah? Or working out in a fitness center.

(Man):
Uh huh

(Adam Sandler):
I'm pressing play...Now.

{Moans and screams}

(Adam Sandler):
And what do you think?

(Man):
Uh, that was two gay men having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
No those were two men doing Butterfly Curls.

(Man):
Sounded like two gay guys having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
Well no sir, you are dead wrong.

(Man):
Alright.

(Adam Sandler):
Thanks for stopping by. Wow, interesting. Two men, on tape, working out,
building their pectorial muscles. And this man hears gay sex. Which leads me to
the conclusion that this man is either gay himself or not straight. Moving
along. And older gentleman. How are ya sir, what's your name?

(Man):
Uh Larry Bartowski

(Adam Sandler):
And Larry, how old are you?

(Man):
I am 62.

(Adam Sandler):
My name's Barry Lakin.

(Man):
Nice to meet you Barry.

(Adam Sandler):
Terrific. Larry, I'm gonna play a tape for ya. Now you have to tell me if these
two people are having sex or working out. Are you ready sir?

(Man):
I think I'll be able to do this.

(Adam Sandler):
Alright sir. Here we go. And play.

{Moans and screams}

(Adam Sandler):
Okay sir. What was that? Sex or weight lifting?

(Man):
That was definitely two people having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
No they were doing Leg Squats.

(Man):
You're kidding me? They were not having sex?

(Adam Sandler):
No sir, you are way off base.

(Man):
I don't believe it.

(Adam Sandler):
Alright I'll play it back for you again sir. And if you get it right this time,
you will...be the only one who did. Okay so...play.

{Moans and screams}

(Adam Sandler):
Okay, here's your second chance. What do you think?

(Man):
Those people were definitely having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
No wrong again, sir. Thanks for playing the game.

(Man):
You're kidding me. They, they...

(Adam Sandler):
Alright sir, I'm moving on, I appreciate it.

(Man):
They were having sex.

(Adam Sandler):
Alright that's in your head. Bye bye. Well we learned a lot about men today.
Let's move on to women. How are you?

(Woman):
Okay.

(Adam Sandler):
My name's Barry Lakin.

(Woman):
Hi.

(Adam Sandler):
Hi. What's your name?

(Women):
Uh Jessica Sanders.

(Adam Sandler):
Okay Jessica. What I'm gonna do right now is record something, not play, but
record.

(Woman):
Oh okay.

(Adam Sandler):
I'm gonna ask you to close your eyes now. And I'm gonna record something. Then
I'm gonna play it back to you. And you're gonna have to tell me if these to
people are having sex or working out in a gym.

(Woman):
Okay.

(Adam Sandler):
Okay, close your eyes. I'm hitting record now. Pay no attention to what's going
on.

(Woman):
You're unzipping my pants.

(Adam Sandler):
Yeah that's right. Keep your eyes closed I'm recording something.

(Woman):
Oh that feels good.

(Adam Sandler):
Mm-hmm, yeah it feels good here too. Alright. Okay, I'm gonna slow down or I'm
in trouble. Ahh too late I'm gonna blow it here we go

(Woman):
uh! shoot it all over me!

(Adam Sandler):
Alright. Okay let me hit stop. And let me rewind that one. Alright now I'm
gonna play it back for you. Are these people having sex or are they in a weight
room. Here we go.

{Playback}

(Adam Sandler):
Now what do you think?

(Woman):
That was you having sex with me.

(Adam Sandler):
That's right and thanks for stoppin' by. Okay. Well, until next time this is
Barry Lakin sayin all the world is schlach.

I'm a big fuckin' dick
I'm a pain in your ass
I drink all your beer
I'll eat the last slice
I'll give you charley horses
I'll pull your shorts down at the beach
I always need a ride
Nobody likes me

My name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I spit when I talk
I swear in front of your mother
I throw shit at the movies
I wear tight pants
I ask you to buy an extra Yankee ticket
And then I don't show
I tell you I saw your girlfriend
Fucking two guys at a party

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

I'll piss on your toilet seat and tell your dad you got stoned
I'll borrow your jacket and never think of returning it

Polychronopolous
Pansy
Pussy
Shit for brains
Douchebag

I'll leave your gate open
So your dog runs away
I'll make fun of your pimple
Then I'll grab your sister's ass

'Cause my name's Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

And I don't care
And I don't give a shit

I'll break your brother's stereo
And then tell him it was you
You think you're better than me
Well you're fucking wrong

Everybody knows I'm Steve Motherfucking Polychronopolous

Deal with it

Performed by Adam Sandler, Frank, and Randi

Transcribed by a fan

"And now a cow at bat in the bottom of the 6th inning of a little league game getting hit by a pitch"

(Baseball sounds and cow bell ringing,ball is hit and hits cow)
Cow: Moo

"And now a cow who goes skydiving for the very first time, and thinks his parachute isn't gonna open when it finnally does 40 feet from the ground"

(Plane sounds)
M1: Alright cow, don't even think about just jump and enjoy the ride down, quit being a pansy and do it
Cow: Moo
(Ripcord sounds)
Cow: Moo,mrr
(Parachute opens)
Cow: Moow
(Thud)

"And now a cow who goes to the chicken hot drivethru and then gets halfway home before realising they forgot his french fries"

(Cow opening paper bag)
Cow: Moo,moo
(Car screeches, and turns back around)
Cow: Mrr

"And now a cow winning first prise in the bellyflop contest at spring break and then realises he can't swim"

(Cow walking towards pool, big splash)
Cow: Moo
(Crowd cheering)
Cow: Mrr,mrr
(Underwater moo)

"And now a club gets a dance at a classy strip club, when a bouncer notices he doesn't have any shoes on"

F1: Ohh baby you like it when I dance with you
Cow: Moo
F1: Uh uh uh, you can't touch that
Cow: Moo
Bouncer: Keep your hands off the girl
Cow: Moo
Bouncer: Hey cow, you got no shoes on you gotta leave
Cow: Moo
M2: Hey watch it cow

"And now a cow playing tennis against farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle when the farmer makes an obvious bad call"

(Tennis ball being hit)
Farmer: That was out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Don't tell me it wasn't cause I saw it and that was out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: By at least 3 feet that's how far, come in look there is still a mark where it's out
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Don't tell that was from an old ball, that was this ball and this ball was out
Cow: Mrr
Farmer: You cannot see from that angle
Cow: Moo

"And now a cow recieves a phone call who he thinks is from a famous actor but he soon finds out it's just a practical joke"

(Phone rings, cow picks it up)
Farmer: Hello may I speak to the cow
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Hi, I'm a famous actor
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Oh, thank you very much, I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me
Cow: Moo
Farmer: Why don't I make reservations?
Cow: Moo
Farmer: And why don't I tell you my real name? farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle
Cow: Mrr
Farmer: Take that fatty
Cow: Mrr
(Slams down phone)

"And now a cow gets his revenge on farmer Stinky Thumbs Arbuckle"

(Car sounds)
Farmer: Pull over, pull the vehicle to the side of the road, I am warning you for the last time.
(Car hits farmer)
Farmer: Oooh
Cow: Mooooooooooooo

Okay
This is a song that uhh
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh
Not too many Chanukah songs
So uhh
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Chanukah songs
Here we go!

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Hanukkah
So much funukkah
To celebrate Hanukkah

Hanukkah is
The Festival of Lights
Instead of one day of presents
We have eight crazy nights!

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

David Lee Roth lights the Menorah
So does James Caan, Kirk Douglas and the late Dina Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli?
Bowzer from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli

Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine looking Jew!

You don't need "Deck the Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs
Celebrates Hanukkah

O.J. Simpson: not a Jew
But guess who is?: Hall-of-famer Rod Carew (he converted)
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish - not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is?: All three Stooges!
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
Its time you celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah

So drink your gin and tonic-ah
And smoke your marijuani-kkah
If you really, really wanna-kkha
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah!

(Adam Sandler):
And now the excited Southerner has a job interview.

(Man):
So why don't you tell me why you would be an asset to this company.

(Excite Southerner):
...Good question, I have a good answer for that...first first first of all I am
a very...very hard work...vocational skills...I went to...willing to work on a
holidays...I had a tango and mirumba lessons...learning to get along with other
people...but I'm sorry I got my G.E.D....with a overtime...time and a
half...speakin in two languages...Spanish and a...a..another one....and I and
and...loyal like a dog...tell you that much...willin to start at the
bottom...and also willing...to stay there...your intestines...completely
flawless...drug-free with a...whoo-wee..good references...if you call my last
boss...he was..actually he was gonna inform me...with a...I got no dependence
with the W-2 form...and I was wondering..

(Man):
You know what? That's great but uh we don't have anything open right now.
Thanks for comin' down.

(Excited Southerner):
Cool.

(Man):
Are you alright?

(Adam Sandler):
And now the excited Southerner gets pulled over by a cop.

(Cop):
Do you realize how fast you were going sir?

{Excited Southerner):
Yes..yes I do...and uh there is an explanation for that...first of all..let me
start off by saying...I...I...I...I...I...you...you...you... you...work very
hard...and I do respect what you do...protectin and uh
servin...I...I...I...speedometer...got the...lead foot...you got the radar
gun...not reliable...I...I...got the diarrhea...got to...get home..for
the...whoo...it...uh...it pregnant wife...she's at the hospital right
now...giving birth to twins...I gotta get there...got...the guy next to me
was...going faster than me....just keeping up...with the traffic...my
cousin's....also a state trooper...in New Jersey...maybe you could talk to...a
tree branch was...covering the speed limit sign...with a...and a truck was
tailgating me...I just hope...

(Cop):
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Here's your ticket. Save it for the judge.

(Adam Sandler):
And now the excited Southerner gets to meet his favorite film actor, Mel Gibson.

(Man):
Mr. Gibson? I'm sorry to bother you sir but this gentleman is a big fan and he
just wanted to say hello.

(Excited Southerner):
Well I...I can't...believe...I'm in the...laser disc...Mr.Gibson...I...I
...I...such a...got to...I...Braveheart was...you...you're...got your
autograph...with a 8X10 gloss...your face was burnt though...Tina
Turner...singing a song to the...mama...mother...mother...loves you too...got
to...Bird On the Water...not such a good picture but...you made up for it with
the Mad Max...got a...mail...mail was very...got so much going...and the koala
bears...got...I'm a big fan...Golden Globe awards...if maybe the people's
choice...

(Man):
Alright. That's enough. I'm sorry Mel let me get this moron outta here.

Performed by Adam Sandler and Jon

Contributed by Chris Durkin

Adam: And the now the excited southerner orders a meal at his favorite
diner.

Waiter: Hi, what can I get you today?

Excited Southerner: Hi, how are you...I was...if you could, tell me, if you...eh,
the chef salad, if it, does it come, if you come... a la carte, if you see the...I
saw the breakfast menu and the, and they got the, and the different entrees
with the dspe-dspe-dspe-dspecials today, and the the and...I'm watching my
weight...diabetic, with the low sodium...if you could broil...i-i-i-instead
of fried, I ya, just, hash browns...I wanted to mix the ketchup with the
may-mayonaise, make my own sauce, if that's, could bring out a separate
plate for that with the chicken, your chicken fried steak...the blue plate
special, does that come with the soup of the day, or-

Waiter: I'll come back when you're ready.

Excited Southerner: Hoooo...

Performed by Adam Sandler and Tara

Transcribed by Big Brother.

(Setting: A restaurant with music playing in the background)
"And now the Excited Southerner proposes to a girl."

Girl: "You wanted to ask me something?"
Excited Southerner: "Yes, I did. I - first of all I just wanted to say that you're -- very pretty girl, and I, I -- hoo -- you'the -- we've known each other for so long now, and-uh, it's about time that the two of us -- we're both getting older right now, and-uh, and I don't want to die alone, I -- tell you that much -- hoo -- getting ahead of myself -- got ta slow down, hoo-hoo, concentrate on what I'm trying to get across to you right now, hoo, I mean, whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-willing to be a house husband, you don't have to qu-qu-qu-qu-quit your job there, there, I'm, I'm, the-, I'm, I'm -- hoo, honeymoon in the Poconos, with the -- hoo, woo hoo -- sex optional -- you don't have to do what you don't want to do, hoo hoo hoo hoo, someday you're going to love me, and that -- that's fi-- til death do us part I, we'll get the chocolate cake and the sunrise and the sunset -- no prenuptial agree --"
Girl: "Look, are you trying to ask me to marry you? Because I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment."
Excited Southerner: "Coooooo."

ADAM: I am a simple goat.
I live on the back of a pick-up truck.
The Old Man tied me here with a 3 ft. rope.
Am I happy?
He don't give a fuck.
OLD MAN: Hey goat!
I'm gonna beat your head in with the hickory stick!
ADAM: Sometimes he uses his fists-a.
He's filled with anger and filled with rage,
and tells me I smell like piss-a.
His drink, Jimmy Beam.
His chaser, a beer.
After that, various alchohols.
That's when the beatings get so severe,
I sleep,
I pray he falls.
But don't feel sorry for me.
Things weren't always this bad.
Why when I was a young talking goat,
the Old Man was just like my dad.

I come from the hills of Europe.
That's where I met the Old Man.
He was lost in the woods,
I gave him directions,
He gave me a tuna can.
Then he stopped in his tracks and he said,
OLD MAN: Hey goat!
ADAM: Would you like to live with me?
I got a house with a pick-up truck
in a place across D.C.-a.
I said, "sure why not? I got no family. You seem like a nice guy."
So we went off to America,
the home of apple pie.

On the boat the Old Man told me,
I would be a present for his wife.
"A talking goat," he exclaimed,
"She's never seen this in her life!"
I felt so special.
Well, I just couldn't believe it,
after all these years,
I finally had a friend.
He trimmed my beard,
he scraped my hooves,
I prayed it would never end.

But when we got to his house,
there was no wife.
Only a short, short letter.
It said : I'm leaving you for your brother
because he fucks me better.
His eyes filled with tears of sadness.
His heart was filled with grief.
To suit himself he drank a pint of Old Grandad,
and beat me like a side of beef.
I screamed, "send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said,
OLD MAN: Nope!
ADAM: No one will ever leave me again,
to make sure,
put on the 3 ft. fucking rope-a.
Present-day I've been on the truck for 51 years.
My only friend is the A.M. radio.
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by,
but it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw.
At first they're excited to see a talking goat,
they gather 'round to hear what I have to say.
But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long,
so they leave and giggle,
I need a bidet.
But you know there was a night
that I did get off the truck,
when the Old Man was passed out drunk.
Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock and roll concert.
The kind of music?
Old school funk.

It was the first time I'd been off the truck,
the music made me lose control.
The lead singer asked if we were having fun,
I said, "fucking crank that rock and roll-a!"
The women at the show were beautiful,
as they danced sexily on the soft grass.
One of them even petted my fur.
Fuck me in the goat ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
and threw me in the mosh pit-a.
They passed me around and treated me nice
til I nervously sprayed them with shit-a.
Then the music stopped.
And everything was quiet.
And all the rock and rollers started a
fucking goat riot.
ROCK AND ROLLERS: Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
ADAM: They chased me under the bleachers.
They chased me onto the street-a.
They chased me into an alley and said I was dead fucking goat meat-a.
But then I saw a sight,
that I'd never thought I'd see.
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick,
but he wasn't swinging at me.
OLD MAN: Fuck you pot smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!
ADAM: The long-hairs ran away screaming
as I scrambled onto the truck-a.
When we got home the Old Man said, "goat you broke the sacred law."
ADAM: No!
Please!
Sorry!
Shit!
"I'll let it go this time,
but if you leave again,
I'll break your fucking jaw."
Super!
Great!
Okay!
Thank you Old Man for saving my life.
Thank you again and again.
You could have let them barbeque me,
but you acted like a friend.
"I'm not your friend.
I don't even like you.
I'm just not drunk," he said.
To prove his point,
he drank a bottle of grain alchohol,
and beat the fucking shit out of my head.
Ow! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me Old Man.

That night I suffered a concussion,
Deep inside my goat brain.
I still cannot feel my tailbone.
And I'll probably will never walk straight again.
I guess you'd call me,
escape goat.
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock.
Just because his wife left him,
for his brother's abnormaly large cock.
He could've been my buddy.
But instead he's a crazy old fuck.
And once again I go to sleep,
in my eternal home.......
the back of the pick-up truck.
Good night Old Man!
OLD MAN: Yeah, good night goat!

Performed by Adam Sandler and Kevin

Transcribed by Big Brother.

(typing sounds)
Dr. Stewart: Hi, (I'm) Dr. Stewart.
Gary Phelps: Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
Dr. Stewart: My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
Gary Phelps: No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
Dr. Stewart: All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
Gary Phelps: To be honest with you, I saw your name in the Yellow Pages, and It said you're good at this stuff, so I just, I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
Dr. Stewart: So smoking is your problem?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's -- it's finally, like, affecting everything I do, I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I, I gotta give it up.
Dr. Stewart: How long have you smoked, Gary?
Gary Phelps: Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?


Dr. Stewart: Yeah, right. (small, barely noticeable fart) All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax -- what I do is hypnosis.
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: Basically I just want you to sit back and relax -- let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and , um, just feel comfortable and trust me.

(bigger fart)
Gary Phelps: (noticing fart sound) Uh...
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps: O-kay....
Dr. Stewart: That's it.
Gary Phelps: That was...o-kay...
Dr. Stewart: All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes, and I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing. Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
Gary Phelps: Right.
Dr. Stewart: -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind -- of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable, I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax, and just think of nothing.
(three farts in succession)
Gary Phelps: Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it. Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now. We're very comfortable. Five (small fart), we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable and nothing's bothering us. Okay. When I say the word "relax," listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, (medium fart)
Gary Phelps: Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
Dr. Stewart: Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay. You're very stressed -- you're very stressed. Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable, you're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...(fart)
Gary Phelps: Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
Dr. Stewart: That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's -- the vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate. Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us, nothing bothers us -- (several farts)
Gary Phelps: Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe? I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
Dr. Stewart: Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing (fart and cough together) three, two, two --
Gary Phelps: I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that. I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
Dr. Stewart: This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing. We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go, don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here. Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax (fart), we're relaxing now --
Gary Phelps: Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was -- it's getting a little irritating --
Dr. Stewart: Hang on just a second here. Let me just step out a second here.
Gary Phelps: That'd be good.
Dr. Stewart: All right, and we're relaxing, as I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
(fart in the distance)
Gary Phelps: Jesus...Oh my God.
Dr. Stewart: We're relaxing.
Gary Phelps: (trying hard not to laugh)
Dr. Stewart: Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down, we're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air. Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. (fart)
Gary Phelps: Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'. But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
Dr. Stewart: That's it, you're all right, everything's good. All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair, we're relaxing, one (long fart), and we're coming down to zero and --
Gary Phelps: Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
Dr. Stewart: No, no, that time that was you.
Gary Phelps: That wasn't me!

Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh (fart), we're going to feel very healthy (fart), and let's take a nice, deep breath --
Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- ("squirty" fart)
Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --

Dr. Stewart: All right, we're relaxing -- that one probably squirted out a little into the pants, but we'll just continue with thte floating (fart) -- yeah, that was definitely a squirt -- but here we go, one, zero, we are under. Are you relaxed?
Gary Phelps: Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, relaxing, relaxing. You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore, you will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing but fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me, it wasn't me farting (fart) -- that was not me --
Gary Phelps: (hysterically laughing under his breath) You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
Dr. Stewart: You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down, nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go (long fart)
Gary Phelps: Oh man...
Dr. Stewart: -- that was you,
Gary Phelps: That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
Dr. Stewart: That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
Gary Phelps: What?
Dr. Stewart: All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. (fart) All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
Gary Phelps: OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
Dr. Stewart: Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five, you will snap out of this, and you won't remember this, especially the smell, the smell was from you. All right? And here we go. Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening, one, you're feeling good, and when you wake up, you'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and (fart) all-righty, I ripped that one out there and I apologize. I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
Gary Phelps: That was not nice.
Dr. Stewart: Here we go, and, we're coming right (fart)
Gary Phelps: What was that?
Dr. Stewart: That was three.
Gary Phelps: It didn't sound like three.
Dr. Stewart: three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go (fart) five, and -- (snap) Do you want a cigarette?
Gary Phelps: No I don't.
Dr. Stewart: Then my job is done.
Gary Phelps: (bursts into laughter)
Dr. Stewart: (fart) Please leave the door open as you leave. (fart)
Gary Phelps: OK, thank you, Doctor.

(typing resumes and another fart is heard)

Hey you guys, I just wanted to thank you for listening to the record and I hope you had as much fun as I did and here's one last little diddy just for you.

I used to ride my big wheel, and sell lemonade,
Eat popcorn with grandpa while we watched the parade
But now I'm only happy when I'm drinking J.D.
What the hell happened to me?

I used to have fun throwing snowballs with my best friend Billy
And Mom would make us cocoa if we got too chilly
But now I only get excited when I see a girl pee
What the hell happened to me?

I used to be the nicest kid in the neighborhood
I only did the things that Momma said I should
But now I just do whatever I want
I even whipped it out in a restaurant

I used to help clean the park in the middle of town
And then played kickball til the sun went down
But now all I do is get VD,
What the hell happened to me?

It makes no sense
I can't believe I ended on me
I'm out of my gourd
Won't somebody please, help me?

A do-do-do-do-do wop-bop doobaly do

I'm kind of a wierdo

Why don't you pick up after your done?
I'm not your slave
I'm not your mother
I'm not your maid
I mean I've got a life too
So fuck you!

Why can't you be nicer to my friend?
They're gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou
Fuck you!

Why don't you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class?
I only took it 'cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!

I'm sorry honey, about the way I've been acting lately
Fuck you!

Don't be like that, we'll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!

I had the beer at work, for God's sake
Fuck you!

By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!

I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don't you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There's an art gallery two blocks away
And we've never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!

You didn't notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn't notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don't you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there's a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!

Why won't I ever get out of this relationship?
You're such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!
Seriously

When I was a boy
There was no limit on what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin' around so fast
My body never gained no weight
That pissed off all my Momma's friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I'm a man
And all that food frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone
I'm too embarrassed to remove my shirt
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feets are becoming difficult to see
I believe it was my Daddy
Who led to this eating disease
By calling me "The Little Candy-ass"
When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma's good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain't wearing pants
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me
(You fat f**k, you fat f**k)
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me
(You fat f**k, you fat f**k)
And all that ice cream I been eatin' lately
My chins alone weigh 203
The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bowl of white rice
Dinnertime it's a saltless potato
I ain't allowed no spice
If this diet's gonna work
Tonight I can't eat no more
"Just go to sleep," I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly's hungry and achin'
Tiptoe to the kitchen, f**k the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother-f**ker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Make a tub o' shit outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately
I shoulda bought stock in Sara Lee

Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Jon Rosenburg, Frank Coraci, and Bob Glaub

When I was a young man
I didn't like to dance
I was shy
I'd stand against the wall all night
I'd never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn't get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots

But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain't too far away
It's just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
'Cause these folks don't fuck around

You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It's fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight

If you don't know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell

Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits

Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack

So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants

Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Jon Rosenburg

Hey
Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap

You
Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!

Now
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol

Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Well
I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold

I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother

where is my Peggy Sue
i could use a Rosaletta
if there is a long tall Sally out there
i'm dying to meet her
why can't i hear Beth calling me
why can't i be the one to make Sara smile
i wish i was arm in arm with Jeannie, Jeannie
walking down the aisle

oh yeah, all right

but i got no Mary Jane
there's no sloopy or dancing queen
i'm just a fool in the rain
waiting on my Billie Jean

Chorus

I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-o
a devil in a dress of blue
a Roseanna, Diana, Sweet Caroline
i'd even take a Runaround Sue

oh yeah, all right

well, i never got to scream for a Layla,
i never saw Mary Ann, walking away.
i never danced on the sand with a Rio
woke up with a Maggie Mae.

i dialed 8 6 7 5 3 0 9
but there was no Jenny, Jenny.
why can't get myself a brown-eyed girl
when Willie Nelson loved so many?
and why does Jack have Diane?
and Billy Joe have Bobby Sue?
and everybody had Roxanne
except you know whooooooo

Chorus

Come on

well, i'd take any ole Suzy Q
i got no reason to be picky
she could be a goody goody two shoes
or she could be my Darlin' Nikki

oh Brandy would be such a fine girl
and so would the sweet Judy Blue
i guess i sound just like that other fella
cause you know i wish that i had Jesse's girl too

oh yeah, all right

but i'd die for a kiss from Allison
even though i know she'd break my heart
or give me a lo lo Lola
minus the extra part

Chorus x 2

you know i'd even take a Runaround Sue
well i'd even take a Runaround Sue

oh yeah, all right

Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, and Jon Rosenburg

Schnine
He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut

But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda

Here he comes
Hey Larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda

[Chanting]
I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only Sigmund Freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder

("what's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
it's okay, mama will take care of you")
not really sick, but don't you know
i still say i am
dad just mumbles, 'there goes my girlie son
actin' up again'
("how could you be my kid?")
mom knows i'm fakin' it, but she understands
what'll happen if i go
the last four days
the tough guys have been on a roll
(they show him no mercy)
plenty of name calling and pushing my head
in the toilet bowl
(they call him a loser)
but they won't get their hands on me today
cause home with mama
is where i'm gonna stay
we're pickin' daisies
("who cares about them anyway?")
pickin' daisies
("they'll all be working for you someday")
pickin' daisies
("they're just jealous of you")
pickin' daisies
("next year you'll go to private school")
can't play sports or games,
i'm only really good at reading
(he can't catch a football)
apparently that's not too cool,
that's why my nose is usually bleeding
(plus they give him fat lips)
at this time yesterday, my underwear
was over my head
but i'll be safe today,
i know cause mama said
we're pickin' daisies
("who really cares what they think?")
pickin' daisies
("you should talk about it with your shrink")
pickin' daisies
("they'll all end up in jail")
pickin' daisies
("marshall's is having a sale")
i know tomorrow it'll all start up again
(he'll be greeted with a headlock)
and all that i can do is sit and pray
for the weekend
but i know when i'm older,
i'll look back and laugh
at all those kids who pulled my pants down
and took that photograph
cause we'll be through with kickball
we'll all be weak and old
but i will be the only one
with a magic place to go
pickin' daisies
("you're better off in the end")
pickin' daisies
("who cares? i'll be your friend")
pickin' daisies
("you can always count on me")
pickin' daisies
("i made you some iced tea")
pickin' daisies....
("you are, too, very handsome, just not in a traditional way"....
"when i was a kid we didn't have videogames, just pinball. but i could learn"..
"well they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs"....
"you can come to aerobics class with me and watch, all the ladies love you!"...
"who needs name brand shirts? yours is the same thing without a fancy tag"...
"why don't you go to sleep? and when you wake up, then i'll play you the eddie
fisher record"...)

My mom bought you when I was just 13,
the brightest red sweatshirt I ever seen.
She got an extra large so I wouldn't grow out,
"That's too big for you!" the other chlidren would shout.
But we stuck together, we didn't quit,
and now the children say, "What a perfect fit."

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

I like to rest my hands in your kangaroo pouch,
it makes them feel comfy like a big soft couch.
And I don't care if the weather's no good,
I say "See you later rain" as I pull up my hood.
Remember that long bus trip when I needed a nap?,
I used you as a pillow on that Spanish lady's lap.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

Oh what is it about you that makes me so jolly?
Is it your fifty cotton or your fifty poly?

I don't knoooooooww
ohh ohh hoo hoo hoo.

Oh red hooded sweatshirt we been through a lot together
like that time I played in that shirts
and skins basketball game and I had to take you off
and throw you in the corner of the gym.
I was midway through the game and then I saw you looking at me.
You were staring as if to say
"Adam, you suck at basketball, you dribble like a damn woman.
" I was so mad I challenged you to a game of one on one
and you know sweatshirt, even though I beat you 11 to 9,
deep in my soul I know you missed those lay-ups on purpose.
You let me win and that why Kevin- help me out

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ding dong
sweeeeatshirt.

Come on audience members, help me out here.

I love you sweeeeatshirt
red hooded
sweeeeatshirt
dip dip dip
sweeeeatshirt
shama lama ling dong
sweeeeatshirt.

I love you sooooooooooo.

Happy Valentine's Everybody!

Hangin' with my sweet amour
She came out with a lion's roar
Yellin' "I'm goin' to the corner store,"
Be back at quarter to four
"Don't slam you pinkies in the drawer"
She can be like a maiden from the days of yore
Hangin' out at Studio 54
Break-dancin' on the slick, brick disco floor
With Lionel Richie
Who, by the way, was a Commodore
One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle-tooth boar
Who couldn't breathe right since the Vietnam War
Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor
And went camping with Eva Gabor
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And, she's coming home
I got a picture of her down by the seashore
Wearing a bikini made of purple velour
Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour
With the smile of Guy LeFleur
She got the ups and the downs like an elevator
But deep inside she's a marshmallow s'more
Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor
Either/or, neither/nor
She'll share it with your Labrador
She can run faster than a blazing meteor
Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore
Can make a pipe out of an apple core
That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish
Down in Ecuador
You know why?
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
Well, for sure, she opened the door
Whipped out a three-foot fishing lure
Sexually, that made me feel insecure
Like the time I was a roadie
On Elton John's tour
She said "Let's go catch some Piscatore!"
I said "Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more"
She said "By G-d, you're right!"
So we took ourselves a snore
And when we woke up 10 hours later
We made "Love Du Jour"
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she came home
She likes to clean out the attic every now and then
She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag
We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie
Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel
She gonna try on my third grade mittens
She'll keep 'em on even though they're way to small
Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me
She ain't never gonna let me down
She ain't never gonna tell nobody
I'm afraid of birds and spiders
Well,
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
Bea-Bea-Bea-Beatrice
And she loves Pat Summerall

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
"Hey goat im going to beat your head in with a hickory stick"
Somtimes he uses his fists
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a beer
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to America
The home of apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all these years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your brother
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nice
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot

Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"

The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!

"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"

"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my head.

That night a suffered a concusion deep inside my goat brain
I still cannot feel my tailbone
And Ill probaby never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!

Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story

My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow

People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back

In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?

But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "Good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe

Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"Go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands

And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker

Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...

In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
and blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game

So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker

Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two
Oooh, ooh ooh

Performed by Adam Sandler, Don Heffington, and V. Gervickas

Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect

(Repeat Over And Over)

Performed by Adam Sandler, Alan Covert, and Jon Rosenburg



A 1, A 2, A 1, 2 voodoo.
ADAM: This song is intended as a warning,
to all the bad people of the world.
M1: You know who you are. Juan?
ADAM: Yes?
Hey there Mr. Leafblower Man,
keep is down for goodness sake.
It's way too early in the morning,
can't you please use your wooden rake?
You choose to ignore I even though me hungover,
and that's no being nice.
So tonight your head will be covered in lice.
Voodoo spell on you.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
ADAM: You shouldn't have given I that dirty stare.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
M1: Too late for sorries,
go cut off your hair.

ADAM: Hey there old, old woman.
M1: Old and fat.
ADAM: Shopping for food at the store.
Why'd you run your cart into I,
and knock me eggs on the floor?
Then took the last unbruised cantelope,
and laughed so loud with glee.
M1: That's not funny.
But you won't be laughing
'cause from now on it'll burn when you pee.
Voodoo spell on you.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
ADAM: You couldn't have made I any madder.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
M1: That's why he put a curse on your bladder.

EVERYONE: Boodaloo-boodalay
Boodalee-boodalie.
Are the words that he say,
ADAM: When you fuck with I!
Voooodoo!
Hey Mr. Big Shot in the Mercedes,
You should have let me merge.
Oh, oh, oh!
Hey there Mr. State Trooper,
me was only going 58.
Please don't you write up that ticket,
It'll ruin me insurance rate.
You say you have a quota to meet,
so straight to hell with I.
Me have only one response,
EVERYONE: Boodalee, boodalie!
ADAM: Voodoo spell on you.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
ADAM: You cost I 80 dollars cash.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
M1: We hope you like your new skin rash.
M2: Voodoo, voodoo.
ADAM: Boodalee, a boodalapa!
M1 & M2: Voodoo, voodoo.(repeat in background until end)
ADAM: To the TV repair man who didn't show up-a.
Anytime from 11 to 5 my ass.
M1: His ass.
M2: His voodoo ass.
ADAM: Boodalie, boodalaper.
To that chick who gave I a fake phone number.
Come on sweetheart,
don't tease I all night long and then pull that old trick.
M1: He's no dummy.
ADAM: Oh, and Mr. IRS Man,
we made a doll that looks just like you.
So lighten up with the audit crets
or I'll burn it's fucking toes off, OK?
Boodalie, boodalayhe

well I had myself a girlfriend
for almost two whole years
we had ourselves no secrets
we had no fears
there was nothin we wouldn't do
when we were in the sack
she'd even pop a zit on my back
one night I was out a-cheatin'
after i'd had a few
she caught me red handed
and said "we're through"
boo-hoo
now she got a new boyfriend
it nearly gave me a heart attack
cause who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
well I got a pimple and I don't know why
it keeps growin' in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
it's four days old and it hurts so bad
but it's ready for a squeeze
won't somebody pop it for me please?
i'll give you ten dollars
if you're a girl in this lonely world
and you're lookin' for a guy
i'll never cheat again, I promise
that's no lie
there's only one thing I ask of you,
could we name our first child zach?
oh, one more thing,
please pop this zit on my back
(i'm dyin' here!)
a pimple-ay-hee
a pop-a-doodle-e-doo
squirt-heedle-e-hoo
well i'm sittin' alone
by the phone
and no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off
on the kitchen wall
well that don't work
so I look around
and find a big shiny thumb tack
put it on the floor, layed down,
popped the zit on my back.
(yeah... rock steady man)

You don't know how much I need you.

While you're near me I don't feel blue.

When we kiss I know you need me too.

I can't believe I found a love.

That's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit !

It was a god damn joke !

And when I think of you Linda,

I hope you fucking choke !

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.

I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.

You left me here all alone tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill please somebody kill me please!

I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me !

I want to die put a bullet in my head.

[Billy Idol (Speaking):]
Good afternoon everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to thirty thousand feet, and then we got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin' you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first-class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers, and since we let our first-class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

[Robbie Hart (Singing):]
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if when you had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

I'm the seven foot man, I've commited no crime
Bumping my head into doorways, it happens all the time
I'm seven feet tall and I repeat
They don't make a ski boot that can fit my feet
I'm seven feet tall and I don't play basketball

I'm seven feet tall, but I'm still just a man
So of course it hurts me a lot when I walk into the ceiling fan
Small people say, "I wish I was him"
But it's been nine years since I've had a trim
The barber said, "I can't reach the top of his head"

Seven foot man
I cannot hide
Seven foot man
I know 'cause I've tried
Seven foot man
My last girlfriend died
Because my penis is seven foot wide

So the next time you see me walking around
And my head's right about to hit a tree branch tell me to duck down
And I'll pay you back soon you will see
By getting your frisbee down from that tree
I do what I can, I'm the seven foot man

Seven foot man
Seven foot man

-{Sean on the phone with a call-girl.}-

SEAN: What's your name, baby?

GIRL #4: Desiree.

SEAN: Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self.

GIRL #4: What's your name?

-{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}-

SEAN: My name's sean, I want to get it on.

GIRL #4: Ooh.

SEAN: you know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama.

GIRL #4: Oh sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want.

SEAN: Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you,--

GIRL #4: Oh my.

SEAN: --You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you?

GIRL #4: That's sounds nice, sean.

SEAN: You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears.

GIRL #4: I'm already naked, how about you?

SEAN: Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine.

GIRL #4: You must look good you stud, are you hard?

SEAN: Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go.

GIRL #4: ..."Tally-whacker"?

SEAN: No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat.

GIRL #4: Oh my god.

SEAN: What?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- I just heard some fucking idiot call it a tally-whacker.

-{Sean groans}-

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- your kidding?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- And his sweet-meat.

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- that's so gross.

-{she hangs up}-

SEAN: No. She did not just fucking hang up on me for 4 dollars a fucking minute.

-{hangs up}-

what the fuck is happening

-{weeping}-

... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. Fucking, this is so un-chill.

-{The Sounds of waves crashing-

SEAN:This is quite the chill night.kicking back on the beach with a fine girl such as yourself.

GIRL #2:Yeah, the waves are so calming.

SEAN:So, is your body.looking like michaelangelo made you or some shit.

GIRL #2:Thanks sean, that's so sweet.

-{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player-

SEAN:Let's see what's going on under this velvet top of yours.

GIRL #2:Uh-oh.

SEAN:Oh calming, your coming off strong with some beautiful waves of your own there, baby.

GIRL #2:Oh sean, you're so cute.

SEAN:Why don't we leave the summer skirt on, but let's take those fine panties passed those long, strong legs of yours, hmm?

GIRL #2:Oh my god.

SEAN:Yeah.

GIRL #2:And how about you take off clothes, sean.

SEAN:Oh, oh is that right, baby?You want me to show my stuff, too?
GIRL #2:My god, you look good, sean.

SEAN:Yeah, yeah baby I keep in shape, you know.



GIRL #2:Ooh.

-{she starts to unbuckle his pants-

SEAN:Yeah, unbuckle my pants, move hands on my wet weiner and let's get it swingin'.

GIRL #2:What's that?

SEAN:Let's get it swingin'.

GIRL #2:No, the other thing you said?

SEAN:...The wet-weiner?

GIRL #2:-{gasps- You know what?

SEAN:Yeah?

GIRL #2:I'm going to go throw up, now.See you.

SEAN:Hmm, leave me all horny here.How-- how you going to get home there, baby?

GIRL #2:I'll walk.-{She begins to walk away-

SEAN:Mm-hm. I'm-a call you.

GIRL #2:Don't. -{She's gone-

SEAN:A'ight, A'ight.I'm go in for a swim anyways, you know that baby.-{to self- Going to get this swing-ding wet somehow.
Salted off the rubarbs, ain't that a bitch?

THE END

-{Sean pouring champagne-

SEAN: Yeah.Yeah.That's right.Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there.

GIRL #3:Oh Sean, you're so sweet.

SEAN:Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I tink I want to taste'em.

-{He presses the 'play' button on his tape player-

I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes.

GIRL #3:Mm, sounds nice. what else?

SEAN:Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course.I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot.But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't.

-{she laughs sensually-

Ooh, zippity, dippity.

-{she takes a sip on the champagne-

-{she laughs sensually-


GIRL #3:Tell me, what do you want me to do to you?

SEAN:Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special:My pud.

GIRL #3:What did you just say?

SEAN:I said you going to like tonight's special...

GIRL #3:And that's your pud?

SEAN:Yeah.

GIRL #3:You got to leave.

SEAN:Mm-hmm.A'ight.Just let me find my pants and I--

-{looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on-

I'm leaving.

-{zips up pants--{stops tape player, pulls out tape-

Could you at least tell me the best way home?

-{Sean on the phone with a call-girl.}-

SEAN: What's your name, baby?

GIRL #4: Desiree.

SEAN: Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self.

GIRL #4: What's your name?

-{Sean presses 'play' button on tape player}-

SEAN: My name's sean, I want to get it on.

GIRL #4: Ooh.

SEAN: you know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama.

GIRL #4: Oh sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want.

SEAN: Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you,--

GIRL #4: Oh my.

SEAN: --You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you?

GIRL #4: That's sounds nice, sean.

SEAN: You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears.

GIRL #4: I'm already naked, how about you?

SEAN: Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine.



GIRL #4: You must look good you stud, are you hard?

SEAN: Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go.

GIRL #4: ..."Tally-whacker"?

SEAN: No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat.

GIRL #4: Oh my god.

SEAN: What?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- I just heard some f**king idiot call it a tally-whacker.

-{Sean groans}-

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- your kidding?

GIRL #4: -{To other call girl}- And his sweet-meat.

CALL GIRL #2: -{To Girl #4}- that's so gross.

-{she hangs up}-

SEAN: No. She did not just f**king hang up on me for 4 dollars a f**king minute.

-{hangs up}-

what the f**k is happening

-{weeping}-

... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. F**king, this is so un-chill.

-{Sean pulling up in his car to a hooker-

GIRL #5:Hey, honey.

SEAN:S'up baby?looking all smooth, standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit.You cold, baby?You want to use me as a blanket?

GIRL #5:I'm just doing my thing.

SEAN:Well, does doing your thing mean your tricky?'Cause I'd like to invest some of my hard earned money towards loving you, if you know what I getting at.

GIRL #5:Well, how much you got, big man?

SEAN:Well, I'm willing to drop 50 dollars on your ass, but there's a condition going on.


GIRL #5:What's that?

SEAN:You're going to have to put those lucious lips of yours on... my... slub-a-dub.

GIRL #5:Ooh, I can do that.

SEAN:You can?

GIRL #5:Mm-hmm.

SEAN:You mean, you ain't going make fun of the fact that I called my gizza-gazza a "slub-a-dub"?

GIRL #5:Honey you can call your thing what ever you want to as long as you got 50 bucks.

SEAN:oh sna-- well, alright then here's the 50 dollars,-{unzips pants- and here's my flip stick, now start wetting that thing up.

GIRL #5:-{Opens his door- Sir, you are under arrest.

-{police car pulls up-

SEAN:You got to be f**king with mind here.



GIRL #5:No, I'm not.

COP:Good job denise.we'll take him from here.

-{Cop hand cuffs Sean-

SEAN:WHAT?!?! You going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slip 'n' slide?F**k that shit.

GIRL #5:Hey honey,when you get to jail, you're going to be on the other end of a slip 'n' slide, and I hope you enjoy yourself.

SEAN:WWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!?!

-{cop throws sean in back of police car-

COP:Just get in the back, asshole.

GIRL #5:-{from outside- You sick f**k.

SEAN:Damn!!-{crying- This is a bunch of bullshit!!!

PEEPER: Piss on me.-{also in the back of the police car-

SEAN:WHAT?!

PEEPER:Please, piss me.

SEAN:NO!!!

PEEPER:Just a tinkle.

SEAN:F**k that, keep him away from me.

PEEPER:Urine.

SEAN:Keep this man away from me.

He said he'd be here at seven
The clock just hit 7:22
It's too cold outside
To wait for my ride
Watching mama try out a new doo (Bruins)

He said he'd be here at seven
But it just hit 7:35 (already?)
Here in Brockton, Mass.,
I got my thumb in my ass
Mama's combing up a big beehive (Celtics)

Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?

The bitch doesn't even bother calling
Even though it's 7:44 (I fell asleep, pally)
I'm feeling kinda antsy
Mama's getting fancy
Slicking back a wet pompadour (Red Sox)

He said he'd be here at seven
It's closing in on 8:01 (Trimmin' the ????stache, kid)
Me lookin' like a sap
In a wool knit cap
Mama's next move is a bun (fuckin' Patriots)

Where the fuck is he? (My pants are still in the dryer, dude)
Where the fuck is he? (I couldn't find my fuckin' snowboots, pal)
I wish I had a car (Huge, huge hangover)
Oh, no (Massive hailstorm, massive hailstorm, massive)

That stupid little punk
He's probably fuckin' drunk
I bet he drank a case
Wanna pop him in the face right now
Mama's eyebrow

Wicked good
Wicked good (Oh, GOD)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Fuck yeah)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Pisser?)

Well my friend is still a no-show
And I'm getting' fucking pissed (Why?)
????Cause I could've gone with Charlie
In the side of his Harley
Mama's on the phone with a stylist (Fuck Charlie!)

So I guess I ain't going out tonight
????Cause the digits say 12:09 (Shit-faced)
But call the operator
????Cause one perm later
Mama's hair sure do look fine (Heffenreffer!!!)

Where the fuck

Ryan, tomorrow's the big day your mom's coming home with your new baby sister
"baby sister"
That's right ryan, baby sister. Now, we have to go over a few safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
"safety rules"
Alright, rule number one: always wash your hands before touching the baby.
"wash hands"
Do you know why?
"no"
Well, because you have germs on your hands, and germs make the baby sick.
"germs make baby sick"
That's right ryan, germs make baby sick
Okay, rule number two: Dont feed the baby anything.
"why?"
Well, because the baby has to eat special baby food, because other food is bad for the baby.
"other food bad for the baby"
That's right ryan.
Now, rule number three: no hot water near the baby cause hot water will burn the baby.
"i don't understand, daddy."


Well, that's all I know so far, I'll update you on the rest later.

I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
A god among men, only without the tan
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
OK
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows"
Alright
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
OK
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
and Regis Philbin"
Yeah!

So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
Done, and done.
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
OK
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"

He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
Good idea
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
If you say so
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
and tiptoe around the airport."
Sounds like fun
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
to fit down the toilet?"
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
Will do

So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
Yeah!
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
pez, and lint."
With pleasure!
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
Yeah, I guess so.
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
You got it!
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
Oh... do I have to?

Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
Comin' home!!

Gaze upon the stake,
flames will soon start to embrace
Condemned, auto da f?
she about to fall from grace

In the land of the rising sun
shadows are falling again
The die is cast, the future and past
coming to her at last

Oh, oh, oh
All she needed was a Champion
Oh, oh, oh
Crying for a saviour to fight for her life

Behold, the freedom cries
by the dying of the light
Too late to justify
for vindication upon this night

In the land of the rising sun
shadows are falling again
From out of nowhere, a rider declared
to answer her final prayer

Oh, oh, oh
He stood up to be the Champion
Oh, oh, oh
He became the saviour that fought for her life


Face to face, eye to eye
The saviour fought to save her pride
Far beyond the starlit skies, the encounter went on

Gaze upon the stake,
as the flames start to embrace
A life, an act of faith,
long-lost gone without a trace

In the land of the rising sun
Shadows are falling again
The die is cast for the future and past
came for her at last

Oh, oh, oh
All she needed was a Champion
Oh, oh, oh
Crying for a saviour to fight for her

Oh, oh, oh
He stood up to be the Champion
Oh, oh, oh
He became the saviour that fought for her life

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me

Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein

Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew

We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real

Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo

Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.

Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.

So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't
But my mother thinks he is.

Tell the world-amanaka
It's time for Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So get your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!

singers: The Peeper, The Peeper, whats goin' through his head? woah!

(Leaves rusteling)

Peeper: Climin' the tree. slowly. quietly. lookin' for next branch. found it. got it. windo high. great view. settelin' in. keepin' it quiet. hidden. heart pounding through chest. waiting. lookin' around. nervous. lights on, jackpot, here she is. oh my. no pants. classey. not to tight. walkin around the room. no idea Im here. lovin' it. Rubbin her feet. tough day. relaxin'. hops off bed, goin twards bathroom. shuttin' the door. alone again... waiting. lookin' around. board. pullin' out nippel clips. Painful! ow... but these are a bit.

(door opening)

Bathroom door opens. lovin' it. oooh my.... hairs in a pony tale. she picks up the tv clicker. click

(tv makes noises)

sittin' back. watchin. watchin' her watch. lovin it.

(giggling)

she laughs. ha ha ha. I laugh. oh yea. sharin a moment.

(dog panting)

theres a dog. not good.

(sniffing)

he can smell me. should've shoured.

(barking)

barkin. wont leave. oh no, here she comes. stayin motionless. fuckin' dogs loosin it.

(window open)

girl: Bud! you be quiet and go home like a good boy.

(dog stops barking and walks off)

Peeper: dosnt see me. she's gorgous. Im grotesque.

(knock)

Peeper: knock at front door! she goes to answer!

(door opens)

Peeper: Its him.... chizzeled features.. they kiss. Im fuming. also hard. hatin' myself. sniffin fingers.

woman: ohhh...

Peeper: she moans! ohhhh! I moan. He looks up. busted. should not have moaned...

(footsteps)

Peeper: he walks toword windo. muscular

man: this guy. gotta be fuckin kiddin me

Peeper: full of rage. looking right at me.

man: theres a guy in the tree out here.

Peeper: full of shame.

woman: are you serious?

Peeper: completely worthless. hard as a rock.

man: I see you shit head! well the cops are comin you sick fuck! and if you even think of runnin away Ill bash your fuckin' skull with a lead pipe!

Peeper: stayin still. motionless. pretending to be a squirrel.

(squirrel noises)

(dialing)

Peeper: not working. shes calling. dreams shattered

(talking)

Peeper: ultamate humiliation.

(squirt)

Peeper: ejaculating.

man: AWWW!!! YOU GROSS PIG! YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT YA KNOW THAT!

Peeper: yes I do... cant help myself.

(car pulling up and door opening)

cop: L.A.P.D. get down from the tree buddy.

(squirrel noises)

Peeper: trying the squirrel thing again. looking for a nut.

cop: I said get down from there!

Peeper: down I go...

(Slam, slam, slam, slam)

Peeper: Oh!

woman: I hope they put you im for a long time! you need some serious help you ass hole!

Peeper walking away: I know I do... Its an addiction

cop: lets go big guy, c'mon

Peeper: wifes going to kill me.

cop: dont be doing this shit mr... nippel clips.

(Peeper slamming into cp car seat)

Peeper: handcuffed... cant sniff fingers...

(door slams and engine warms up)

Peeper: please piss on me...

cop: yea, this is officer Tyler, everythings under controle.

Peeper: PLEASE piss on me? If somebody could piss on me, that would be great.

singers: The peeper, belly eaper, hes goin off to jail! WOAH!

holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie.
It must be fast and shit.
This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom.
yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something.
One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit.
What do you mean?
I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot.
No fucking way! You shitten me?
Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times.
Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna
pass out.
I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed.

Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?

Soon enough you'll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you'll be talkin'
Only daddy can understand
We'll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed?

But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin'
You're now six years old
You're getting so good at your spellin'
But my mind is always dwellin'
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time

So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead?
There's other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking' your herb
You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
To buy so much Hawaiian dope?

Ground control to Major Tom
Ground control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Ground control to Major Tom
(10, 9, 8, 7)
Commencing countdown, engines on
(6, 5, 4, 3)
Check ignition, and may God's love be with you
(2, 1, liftoff)

This is ground control to Major Tom,
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is Major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do

Though I'm past 100,000 miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows

Ground control to Major Tom,
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you hear me Major Tom?
Can you...

Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the moon
Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do

Crazy Chinese Resturant Guy:
He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!

Police:
What?

Crazy Chinese Resturant Guy:
He no pay for his four Scorpion Bowl.

Davey:
Oh, boy.

I'm the kinda guy that can't stand the holiday
So I drink them all away
That's me

I don't decorate no trees
And I won't eat no potato lakees
But I'll give this old ladies melons a squeeze
That's just who I am

Well I'll never spin a dreidel
But I'll always throw an egg
And I'll charliehorse your leg- for laughs
While you're singing your holiday tune
I'm acting like the town Bafoon
Whipping out my big white scary moon
And blowing a beef your way

I hate folks who think reindeer are cute
to me they're just something to shoot
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me

Well I'm a snowmobile stealing
No 'tis the season' feeling
Kind of guy (kind of guy)

This time of year sucks
So I take my numchucks
And make sure every snowman dies

Believeing in Santa's all wrong
And Chaunaka's eight days too long
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me

A wont a you a dance wit me at the annual all star a banquet
A will a feel so fancy free at the annual all star a banquet
Everyone in town will be lookin their best,
Even Mrs. Selman with the one extra breast.
Its a kind of a nite when ur feet match
When u feel nearly 5 foot 3!

They'll laugh and they'll dance and they'll pee in their pants
Cuz there's a patch at the all star a banquet waiting for me!

Look you got to understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years
So she gets nervous around strangers
I wouldn't show that picture to any one, or they might try to take you 2 guys back to the laboratory
UHHH….
Listen we got rules in this house, and you better follow them or you'll find yourself outta of here,
Ya ya ya
This might be harder then I thought

If you're coming from street, with dirty shoes on your feet
That's a technical foul
If you switch the radio, to some modern music show
That's a technical foul
If you don't shut the door, after using the fridge-er-a-tor
That's a technical foul, A technical foul

If you touch the thermostat, (you'll get hit with a bat)
Cause that's a technical foul (You'll feel my wrath)
If your hair clogs the drain, (you'll know the meaning of pain)
Cause that's a technical foul (I'll show you no mercy)
Ohh… this is such bull shita
Hey… In this house we say bull spit
Or it's a technical foul, A technical foul

Let me get this straight, you expect me to change my entire life style in one night, because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks!

You got it bub,
Or you can go rot in the gutter it's up to you Yankee Doodle!

Well I don't want to do that, but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally.

If I don't spray Lysol, after moving a bowel,
That's a technical foul.
Okay!
If I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel,
That's a technical foul.
We say Hieney.
If I make fun of your crazy feeties,
Or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes,
That's not only technical foul...
But possibly a homicide…

Can I sleep past three?
If you do that you'll get a “T??
Take a wiz in those flowers?
Ill say hit the showers.
Use this horn as a bong,
Adios Tommy Chong.
Make some long distance calls,
You'll get a kick in the balls! (OOPS )
Can I walk around with my morning erection?
If you want an automatic ejection,
Cause that's a technical foul.

BUT ID LIKE TO SEE IT ANY WAY (JUST KIDDIN)

There are certain rules which apply in one's life
With your sister, friends or imaginary wife
(I can't believe I haven't killed myself) ? (Adam Sandler)
Respect carries over with me on the court
(Here with Wigs Magee, and a furry elf) ? (Adam Sandler)
Whether you choose diabetic or especially short
(She's neurotic and he's a troll) ? (Adam Sandler)
I see she's strange in my royal carry; my imaginary wife is short and hairy
(They took my wig; I remember the look in their eyes) ? (Elan)
(How did my life get stuck in this shit hole?) ? (Adam Sandler)
(Why o why wont someone retrieve my wig wig wig) ? (Elan)
(Guess I have to deal with your demands, but please don't touch me with your alien hands!) ? (Adam Sandler)

I got no right to growl
The whistle she's on the prowl
Without my wig, I look like an owl Hoo Hoo
(O MY GOD!!!)
Don't laugh at her

OR IT'S A TECHNICAL FOUL x 3

The Hukilau was the place
Where I first saw your face
We liked each other right away
But you didn't remember me the very next day
Forgetful Lucy
Has got a nice caboose-ie
I used to trick you into pulling your car over so we could chat
But my favorite time was when you beat the shit out of Ula with a bat
Than we drove up to see Dr. Keets
And find out why Doug always has to change his sheets
Forgetful Lucy
Cracked her head like Gary Busey
But I still love her so
And I'll never let her go
Even if while I'm singing this song
She's wishing I had Jocko The Walrus's shlong
Forgetful Lucy
Her lips are so damn juicy
How about another first kiss?

There's something I know
That no one else does
You want me to tell you what it is?
But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret

I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin'
Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin'

Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different
Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different

I've got a secret, my own little secret
No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret.

Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell

And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show
And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger I'm a half an inch longer

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!

Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes
The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows
I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party
i'm the super-star of the night, I did somethin naughty

I gave myself a haircut, don't tell
I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell
I've got a secret, don't tell
It's my own secret

I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell

And I feel so special and so beautiful
As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull
I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy
and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!

I can wear my pants extra low tonight

My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me
Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see
The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft
Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost

I had a secret, don't tell
But now you know my secret, don't tell
I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell
To emphasize my bare nuts

I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!

<i>[telephone rings]</i>

I'll be up in a few! Hello?

Hey, Sid, it's Alex. Just callin to wish ya a happy birthday, man.

Alex, Alex, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
for remembering, thank you.

My pleasure. Did you do anything fun today?

Nothing special. Amy made lasagna, we had cake, the kids
gave me a tie and some socks, terrific.

That's awesome, man. Hey, I got a gift comin your way too. I
Fedex'ed it so you should probly get it tomorrow.

<i>[Gasp]</i> Thank you, thank you, Alex, thank you. What is it?

It's pretty cool. You'll see tomorrow.

Aww, come on, give me a hint at least. Can I ride it? Can
I eat it?

Nope.

Can I fuck it?

Ahaha, no.

Can it fuck me?

No.

Is it hairy? Is it something I can shave?

No.

Can it blow me?

No....

Is it something I can blow?

No...

Can I fuck it?

You already asked me that...

If I take it apart, are there individual parts that I can fuck?

I don't think so...

Fair enough... If I sit on it for a while, will I cum?

Noooo....

Is it something Amy can strap on and fuck me with?

Sid! No!

If I get jizz all over it, will it be ruined?

I think...

Does it sweat?

Noo...

Is it something that can be used like... a pussy?

That's just another way of asking if you can fuck it...

My bad... Does it get big if you touch it?

No...

Does it get hard if you touch it?

Nooo...

If my Amy catches me blowing it, will she be mad?

Look, you can't blow it, man, we already talked about that...

Right, okay... let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with
just this item... am I getting a rim job?

NO!

Can I fuck it?

NO, it's a toaster, man, just a toaster!

Oh! So I can fuck it? In fact, two people can fuck it at the
same time! Alex, ya wanna come over and fuck my toaster
this weekend?

Don't mind if i doo doo....

Hahaha, oh, Alex

Hahaha, oh, Sid...